USA-UK Assasin Guild Movie (cast and director named)

[Greasetea]

In the vein of Dirty Dozen, movie goers will flock to see this wonderful action film about a group of US and UK soldiers out to assasinate Osama Bin Laden-like bad guy named Omar Bin Jamal.

It will be co-directed by famed pseudo Brit Ridley Scott and pseudo action director (who has experience with the English with that Kate Winslett..yummy) Cameron (first name not needed).

Cast

Hugh Grant---the chaplain with Clark Gable charm and veddy veddy English qualities who just wants to fox hunt and drink brandy.

Tom Sizemore---the gruff good ol American Joe who just wants a beer.

Morrissey---the Frank Sinatra like crooner who just wants to sing, not kill.

George Clooney---the womanizing American with a heart of apple pie.

Anthony Hopkins---the womanizing Brit with a heart of Yorkshire pudding.

Harry Connick Jr.---the young American turk who is Morrissey's foil and nemsis (ooh how will they get along?)

Jackie Chan---the comic relief and group's ninja, hey who doesn't love a funny shinobi??? Remember Sonny Chiba?

Arnold Shwartzeneggar-the troop's leader who is so American, he bleeds 100 dollar green.

With Marketing ties at McDOnald's, Tesco's and Virgin we can't lose.

Pledge your money today so this movie can be made.

Address:

Moustapha Akkad (yes, I know Halloween 3,4,5,6 and H20 sucked but my hands were tied)
129 Universal Studios
Lot 666
Hollywood, California
90122

P.S. Bruce Campbell and that idiot who played Father Ted on that hilarious British comedy didn't return calls. Pricks.

 

[Grim O'Grady]

take 2.

There's a rival film from Maddie & husband.
"Bin Snatched & 2 Smokin' Blokes."
It starts off in the U.S. with the F.B.I. searching every strip club for the notorious Binny Lad (He's the baddie) played by the ever popular Vinny Jones. As we all know baddies are played by the English since the end of the cold war. Trouble is Binny Lad's religion forbids him to enter a strip club (nice use of female bodily parts for arts sake of course - the producers).
Next cut to a grocery store, you'll have the obligatory mother & child walking by with child in one hand & brown paper bag with a french stick visible in the other. Our F.B.I. agent (top notch actor Tomarse Cruise) runs up & down the aisles looking for Binny, who is obviously nipped in to the bathroom & slid into the air ventilation system & as full control of the situation & is watching Blip (Tomarses character) from all angles.
Next cut to a battered caravan in some barren wasteland, possible Liverpool, England. Blip turns to one of his buddies, 'Cleatus' (obscure actor last seen as a dancer in a Pepsi ad) who's sat writing a letter to his sweetheart about how horrible life is 'here' & how he can't wait to get his ass back in the States to the cutest little girl he knows. O.K. as soon as he shows Blip the photo of his bride-to-be & mother of his 3 kids, you know his numbers up & that Blip will have to go see her & the kids to explain how he died in saving the world from evil, when has we'll see on the film what actually happened was he forgot that they drive on the left in the U.K. & was hit by a double decker bus looking the wrong way has he crossed the Charring Cross Boulevarde.
Next cut to Binny Lads den in the far Eastend, Binny has a white fluffy cat on his knee & his head & in the Farmers Weekly magazine (incorporating Fox Hunters Trot) in deep concentration, salivating over some seedy snaps that we never quite get to see. Fortunately although in a strange accent we can understand every word from Binny & his gang, here we learn of their evil plan on how to take over the world, saves time & money (should have not spent the first 10 minutes of the film in the strip clubs - the producers).
Next cut to France, recruiting more baddies from some hotel, Binny strolls menacingly up & down the room, as he passes by the window we get a glimpse of the Eiffel Tower, trouble is Blip is in the south of France cut to Blip pacing in a more controlled menacing way past his hotel window we see a bevvy of beautiful women scantily clothed as the way of the french. (dribbles - the producers).
Back to Binny, he's struggling to understand the evil French person, Dejavou (played by Sir Athony Hopkins) although he also speaks in english with a terrible french accent it is slightly more muffled due to the head restraint contraption he as to wear (the film makers say we're running low on budget & never get to explain why he's dressed as such, no apologies from - the producers). They are haggling over something to do with who gets to be Le Boss!
Cut back to Blip who's counter debating with a French agent waving his hands in an unusual manner only known as Croisant (played by Nicholas Cage) who are using the age old method of 'stone', 'scissors' & 'paper' as to who becomes Top Boy in the investigation, amazingly (yeah right) Blip wins & out Stones, Croisants Scissors, who for some strange reason carries on doing his 'scissors' routine through out the film.
Blip phones F.B.I. H.Q. to tell them of his marvellous 'Stone' 'Scissors' 'Paper' victory. The F.B.I. Chief O'Goldstein (played by Sly Stallone) is Black (as all police Chiefs are), tells Blip he's only got 24 hours to save the world & if he doesn't he will be suspended, but Blip ever so cunning manages to negotiate up to 48 hours & a final written warning.
Cut to battleground, It's Blip & his good ol' boys versus Nasty Binny & his dirty cousins. It's a close thing but Blip manages to just win & save the world, with only 2 seconds to go or else 'his ass would have belonged to the Captain' but only after him & Croisant save each other, twice. Blip is wounded in 2 places, firstly Charring Cross Boulevarde as he was just to the right of (Now appearing in the Coke ad guy, no loyalties these bit actors) was killed earlier on. & secondly on the battlefield were his 13" scar across his back appears given by the nasty Binny Lad in their fight whilst everyone else just stood & watched, of course Blip didn't even scream in pain.
Cut to California, Blip still bleeding but in the arms of his loving wife who'd ended her affair with O'Goldstein only minutes before to run back in to the loving embrace of our hero Blip, next to the bedroom scene, blip his lying on his back & whincing & shreaking like a baby as Mrs Blip (played by the loverly Nichole Kidman) is sowing him up by hand whilst slugging on a double vodka which is why their marriage went off track in the first place.
==================The End==================
*roll credits - The Beach Boys 'Californian Girls' plays*
Exit cinema.

& now for the Sequel.... (stop groaning)