D
Dumbledore
Guest
I've just been going through some of my old .sig files and I thought I'd put them up here cuz they might make you chuckle. What favorite quotes do you guys have?
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes." -- Frieda Norris
"Where is fancy bread? In the heart, or in the head?" -- Willy Wonka
Interviewer: Do you still paint?
Syd Barrett: Not much, the guy who lives next door to me paints, and he's doing it well, so I don't really feel the need. (?????)
"That's all changed. I've been exposed to myself now, I don't have to go about doing it to others." -- David St. Hubbins
Cat: Wow !!! My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry! Hey there you are. Hey man, I'm so hungry I just have to eat.
Lister: Shhhhh. Not now, man. Rimmer's dad's died.
Cat: I'd prefer chicken. -- Red Dwarf
Question: "Ozzy - how much longer do you feel your career will last?"
Ozzy: "How long is a piece of string? "
"Many, many famous dead people, including Napoleon, Shakespeare, Socrates and Thomas Jefferson did not read American Gods and are now dead. Don't let this happen to you or your friends." -- Neil Gaiman, author of American Gods
"Often people come to me and say "As a bestselling author, with many published works to your name, and a basement full of awards, most of them in need of a good polish, you must have some words of advice for the world that you wish to share."
And I do.
It's this.
If you have a 25lb long-haired calico cat whose fur is all matted into evil dreadlocks, and who is too fat to properly clean herself, do not put fresh batteries into an ancient beard-trimmer and attempt to shave her. You will only cause distress to the cat, and create a mess. There are professionals who will happily do this kind of thing, for a small fee. Leave it to them.
(This has been a public service announcement on behalf of Furball the cat, currently believed to be hiding in the attic in a severely traumatised state.)" -- Neil Gaiman
"You take somebody that cries their goddam eyes out over phony stuff in the movies, and nine times out of ten they're mean bastards at heart. I'm not kidding." -- Holden Caulfield, The Catcher in the Rye
"And, sweet Jesus, there are a hell of a lot of them--still screaming around these desert-city crap tables at four-thirty on a Sunday morning. Still humping the American Dream, that vision of the Big Winner somehow emerging from the last-minute pre-dawn chaos of a stale Vegas casino." ---- Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas
"Wyle has also done his career a great service by keeping his private life private. When we see him onscreen, we have no reason to think of his many romantic conquests or the crack he smokes with homeless men in Brooklyn." -- Fametracker.com on Noah Wyle
Sufficiently entranced, she will pass the day somewhere else, in a world that understands her unelaborate hopes and grants to the lonely souls of the loveless, graceful peace. -- The Ephemeron by Steve Kilbey
"The mafia - it's like life! Nobody gets out alive." -- my ex-friend, Denise
"I am SO SICK of this work thing getting in the way of my EMAILING PEOPLE!" -- my ex-friend, Denise
"But you've got to look at him now, not years ago! Now, he's all man-meat. He's so manly, he's almost stupid." -- Cili Barnes on Morrissey
"Consciousness is a terrible curse. I think. I feel. I suffer. And all I ask in return is the opportunity to do my work. And they won't allow it... because I raise issues." -- Craig Schwartz, Being John Malkovich
"Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate." -- Craig Schwartz, Being John Malkovich
"You realize that suicide's a criminal offense. In less enlightened times they'd have hung you for it." -- George Spiggott, Bedazzled (with Dudley Moore and Peter Cook)
"Good afternoon, madam. We're the Frooney Green Eyewash men. Have you, by any chance, got ten bottles of Frooney Green Eyewash in your house?...Oh, what a pity. Cause if you had and could answer a simple question, you'd have won a beautiful silver tea service and a night on the town with Alfred Hitchcock..." -- George Spiggott, Bedazzled (with Dudley Moore and Peter Cook)
(Idiotic) Interviewer: The last public sighting of you was when you turned up at a signing at an HMV in New Mexico, apparently unbeknown to the organizers. Why did you show up?
Morrissey: Unbeknown! It was completely organized! Otherwise, why would there have been 'organizers'? Do you think I just turned up at a record shop in New Mexico carrying a wallpaper table, shouting at people to form an orderly queue? I somehow don't think so!
"I've got the bod of a sixteen year-old, and I should give it back, really." -- Morrissey
"I swim a lot. And when I say that to people their heads spin around. They can't really imagine me in a life that doesn't involve very heavy books and a small stepladder. It's very nice to be underwater. It gives you a very clear perspective on life. People look much better underwater. I like diving between people's legs. And obviously coming out the other side. I don't loiter." --- Morrissey
"We all have strength enough to endure the misfortunes of others." -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day." -- Unknown
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." -- Steven Wright
"If God dropped acid, would He see people?" -- Steven Wright
"If Dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?" -- Steven Wright
"Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back." -- Steven Wright
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research." -- Steven Wright
"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard." -- Steven Wright
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes." -- Frieda Norris
"Where is fancy bread? In the heart, or in the head?" -- Willy Wonka
Interviewer: Do you still paint?
Syd Barrett: Not much, the guy who lives next door to me paints, and he's doing it well, so I don't really feel the need. (?????)
"That's all changed. I've been exposed to myself now, I don't have to go about doing it to others." -- David St. Hubbins
Cat: Wow !!! My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry! Hey there you are. Hey man, I'm so hungry I just have to eat.
Lister: Shhhhh. Not now, man. Rimmer's dad's died.
Cat: I'd prefer chicken. -- Red Dwarf
Question: "Ozzy - how much longer do you feel your career will last?"
Ozzy: "How long is a piece of string? "
"Many, many famous dead people, including Napoleon, Shakespeare, Socrates and Thomas Jefferson did not read American Gods and are now dead. Don't let this happen to you or your friends." -- Neil Gaiman, author of American Gods
"Often people come to me and say "As a bestselling author, with many published works to your name, and a basement full of awards, most of them in need of a good polish, you must have some words of advice for the world that you wish to share."
And I do.
It's this.
If you have a 25lb long-haired calico cat whose fur is all matted into evil dreadlocks, and who is too fat to properly clean herself, do not put fresh batteries into an ancient beard-trimmer and attempt to shave her. You will only cause distress to the cat, and create a mess. There are professionals who will happily do this kind of thing, for a small fee. Leave it to them.
(This has been a public service announcement on behalf of Furball the cat, currently believed to be hiding in the attic in a severely traumatised state.)" -- Neil Gaiman
"You take somebody that cries their goddam eyes out over phony stuff in the movies, and nine times out of ten they're mean bastards at heart. I'm not kidding." -- Holden Caulfield, The Catcher in the Rye
"And, sweet Jesus, there are a hell of a lot of them--still screaming around these desert-city crap tables at four-thirty on a Sunday morning. Still humping the American Dream, that vision of the Big Winner somehow emerging from the last-minute pre-dawn chaos of a stale Vegas casino." ---- Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas
"Wyle has also done his career a great service by keeping his private life private. When we see him onscreen, we have no reason to think of his many romantic conquests or the crack he smokes with homeless men in Brooklyn." -- Fametracker.com on Noah Wyle
Sufficiently entranced, she will pass the day somewhere else, in a world that understands her unelaborate hopes and grants to the lonely souls of the loveless, graceful peace. -- The Ephemeron by Steve Kilbey
"The mafia - it's like life! Nobody gets out alive." -- my ex-friend, Denise
"I am SO SICK of this work thing getting in the way of my EMAILING PEOPLE!" -- my ex-friend, Denise
"But you've got to look at him now, not years ago! Now, he's all man-meat. He's so manly, he's almost stupid." -- Cili Barnes on Morrissey
"Consciousness is a terrible curse. I think. I feel. I suffer. And all I ask in return is the opportunity to do my work. And they won't allow it... because I raise issues." -- Craig Schwartz, Being John Malkovich
"Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate." -- Craig Schwartz, Being John Malkovich
"You realize that suicide's a criminal offense. In less enlightened times they'd have hung you for it." -- George Spiggott, Bedazzled (with Dudley Moore and Peter Cook)
"Good afternoon, madam. We're the Frooney Green Eyewash men. Have you, by any chance, got ten bottles of Frooney Green Eyewash in your house?...Oh, what a pity. Cause if you had and could answer a simple question, you'd have won a beautiful silver tea service and a night on the town with Alfred Hitchcock..." -- George Spiggott, Bedazzled (with Dudley Moore and Peter Cook)
(Idiotic) Interviewer: The last public sighting of you was when you turned up at a signing at an HMV in New Mexico, apparently unbeknown to the organizers. Why did you show up?
Morrissey: Unbeknown! It was completely organized! Otherwise, why would there have been 'organizers'? Do you think I just turned up at a record shop in New Mexico carrying a wallpaper table, shouting at people to form an orderly queue? I somehow don't think so!
"I've got the bod of a sixteen year-old, and I should give it back, really." -- Morrissey
"I swim a lot. And when I say that to people their heads spin around. They can't really imagine me in a life that doesn't involve very heavy books and a small stepladder. It's very nice to be underwater. It gives you a very clear perspective on life. People look much better underwater. I like diving between people's legs. And obviously coming out the other side. I don't loiter." --- Morrissey
"We all have strength enough to endure the misfortunes of others." -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day." -- Unknown
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." -- Steven Wright
"If God dropped acid, would He see people?" -- Steven Wright
"If Dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?" -- Steven Wright
"Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back." -- Steven Wright
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research." -- Steven Wright
"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard." -- Steven Wright
