Yesterday I stood on a windswept jetty staring out at the ocean with the ashes of four of my relatives on my fingertips.
While not close to them and myself not overly sentimental it has left me feeling quite grim today.
The ocean is beautiful though, a place that calms me down & perhaps it is upon the ocean waves where I will one day belong.

The morning feels like it is already slipping away and I just sat down at my desk. This morning I was so full of good intentions too - the top of the list being, just write the damn thesis! But little things keep getting in the way, getting me sidetracked.
Tuesday/Wednesday of this week I attended an Arts Festival workshop, roughly on the area of internet/visual arts/web 2.0 - it was with one of my theory 'heroes' too - however I just didn't really get out of it what I was really hoping too (my only mistake...) So I think it has left me a litte apathetic about my own work. I always seem to be walking that line between super-optimism and the utter futileness of everything. No inbetween for me.

Last Sunday I caught up with a couple of high school friends - one I hadn't seen since 1995 maybe - a long time anyway. It was nice, we still got along really well and I hope to see her again. It can be difficult though - I often feel like I haven't really changed since then, "do you STILL like Morrissey?!!" - "Yes". It feels like that interview that Moz did with Pat Phoenix where she said something like (sorry don't have exact quote) - she still feels like rushing into the sea at midnight. I totally understand that sentiment. My passions/hates are maybe more balanced than when I was a teenager, but I still feel quite passionately, which my friends seem to have grown out of.

This weekend I have a trip to Market - a childrens market, which is good timing as both the little ones have their birthdays coming up. One will be 4 in only a few days! I think that is when I began this journal, when he was only a few days old. The other is nearly 8 and it is becoming increasingly more diffccult to keep her protected from the influences of other school children/peer group/school in general. But I do try.

Then we have a party for some close friends who are leaving for Canada (sob). However, it will provide me with an excellent reason to visit that part of the world - really hoping to see some snow sometime in my life.

Now, back to the real world.

January already.

The last few days we've been stuck in the house due to a 5 day heatwave - and the other side of the world is freezing. It's school holidays and we've had a pretty good time over all. Christmas went by quietly, I learnt to take it a bit easier and spend time with my family instead of rushing to and fro.
My Grandma died the Wednesday before Christmas - the first of my grandparents to go. It was difficult as I never really got along with her or felt a kind of connection. She wasn't that nice to my mum and I remember on my 18th birthday as I was blowing out the candles she said "well we didn't want you at the time but we are glad you are here now" - kind of harsh. My parents were young when I unexpectedly came along and I guess grandma thought they were too young.

We had her wake on Saturday night - well it was a party really. Lots of people there to remember her and that is when I thought that instead of being harsh and stewing on the things that I thought she failed on - maybe I should think about the good things about her. Her love a good time, always dancing, singing, drinking the last one to leave a party. I don't know much about her but I think when she was young she might have had a hard time and it was great that she was able to keep a smile on her face and focus on living life to its fullest.

The next morning/day was rough though - drank way too much champagne and spent the next day sleeping in and being in a bad mood. I snapped myself out of it by dinner time though. It made me not miss "the old days" too much, just don't have the constitution for too much drinking anymore.

This weekend my partner and I are going away to Melbourne for 2 nights, 3 days - primarily to see David Sedaris - yay! But it is our first time away without children - well our first time away - ever! I'm getting quite excited and hope that it goes as plans. We are going to do boring things but made exciting by being able to do them uninterupted - like eating out, sleeping in...I think it is going to be pretty great.

My close friend is in Norway at the moment, she's been there for about 4 weeks now and my other dearest friend booked her tickets to Canada. I'm feeling like my friends are moving on and it makes me want to move too. Or it makes me sad that they are going. But in the spirit of positive thinking - at least I will have somewhere new to visit.

I know it is probably a cliche - being the start of the year and all - but I want to try and be more positive about things - I was going to write "more outgoing" but I'm not sure that is possible or even necessary. Will settle for positivity.

Our car got side-swiped by an old man this morning. I was in the left most lane and he decided that he wanted to be in that lane too - so over he went and into the side of the Volvo. He didn't stop, so as the car wasn't too damaged I drove up to him at the lights and raised my hands in a "WTF?" gesture? and he said through his wound-up window "you were in my blind spot" and off he went when the light changed to green.
So my daughter and I continued on our journey and then checked the damage, which I guess is minimal...some scratches, broken plastic and thing on the side completely gone. Then I thought maybe I should go to the Police about this.

The police man was very nice and took down what I was saying then came out to see the car. Later on he called me and said that he couldn't get the old guy on the phone but his wife was home and she said "but he wouldn't have know what he's done as he is deaf". (!) So - I'm not too bothered about the damage but should get the car checked in case something else has happened, like maybe the wheel alignment, I don't know, I'm not a mechanic.

It sure does add drama to the day!

* * *
We are in the first week of school holidays and have been lucky to have lovely weather. Today its just me and my girl home, so we've been playing board games and just 'chillaxin'. Its nice to do that. This weekend we are going camping in the Flinders Ranges. I haven't been camping for about 21 years! So this is going to be a huge adventure. At the moment we don't have a tent - or any camping equipment - so I'm hoping that we can all that sorted tomorrow. There is supposed to be rain coming in but I'm hoping that it won't.

Last night I went out with my friend for a belated birthday celebration. We had a lovely dinner out at the Belgian Beer Bar, had an Oost plate to share, then to the movies to watch The September Issue. I had really been looking forward to seeing this movie/doco - and it didn't let me down. I loved it and would actually like to see it again. Not sure what got me so into it, what I did like was witnessing the dynamics between the Vogue staff and just how they work to put the magazine together. It was representative of the working process, how it goes from ideas to the resulting product - and then the gap between intentions and result.

My daughter is listening to a Charlie & Lola CD and it is quite distracting...but anyway...

Uni was so frustrating yesterday I really wanted some kind of physical act to occur! My supervisor seems to have amnesia and is very forgetful about what we've agreed on etc, so it feels like I am doing the same things twice. Or what was important is suddenly not important. It always feels like I am uncertain as to what to do. But my progress report is signed off for the year - so that is the important thing.

Heavy rain fell today and it has made me a little stir crazy, being stuck inside. My two little ones have been moving from game to game and causing mischief in between. The youngest decided to make himself a cup of Ovaltine and ended up with a ratio of half the tin and milk all over the floor! My daughter lost a tooth at breakfast time, but she must have swallowed it as we could not find the tooth anywhere. She is playing Barbie's at the moment, she hasn't played with them in about 18 months and as I mentioned to her this morning that I might store them away - she suddenly wanted to play with them again.

I'm working on another presentation of my work - filling in for someone who couldn't make the date - at least I've had some feedback so I can add some bits here and there.

Earlier in the week I met with an artist/writer and it was a really motivating conversation...I feel like I can go forward with some ideas that I've had brewing in my mind over the last year or two. I'm trying to believe that positive thinking (and hard work of course) will see these things come reality. I am feeling like I might have finally reached a place where I know what I want and can go after it.

Last year it was my 30th and I made that vow not to cut my hair - well I still haven't - but it is now looking quite bad...so I'm off to the hairdressers early next week. Not sure what I want done yet so need to maybe look through some magazines for inspiration, but shorter for sure. This year I am not planning on doing anything for my birthday, which I am quite relieved about. I'm being a bit of a hermit at the moment.

I decided to give reading Harry Potter a go, but at the half way point of the first book, I'm a little bored by it now. However, I will push on as it gives me a break from Adorno and Bourdieu. My daughter and I are reading the 2nd Karlson book by Astrid Lindgren, which we just love.

Oh, I also finally figured out how to knit last weekend, which was such a relief! My nan tried in vain to teach me as a child and gave up. After many, many attempts I finally got it! Although I am still very much in the early stages, here's hoping that I have many peaceful knitting times ahead.

trying to work again and block out all the noise from the open plan office. so far i have been privy to overhear stories about nude art models having toilet paper stuck up their bottom and how to make spinach pie...oh boy! eavesdropping can be fun, but sometimes you just don't wanna know. i used to listen in on my mum's telephone calls when i was young - at the time i thought it was pretty daring and full of mysterious adult things - now, i'd probably be bored out of my mind. sharing a wall with a neighbour is also another way to listen in - however, i am now well aware that if i can hear them then they must be able to hear me.

tomorrow i am presenting a paper on indie craft -i've been trying to think of ways to get out of it. think i am suffering a bit of stage fright. but after we are going to an exhibition opening at a gallery on our street then i am heading out for a "girls night" - haven't been out in the longest time. so a bit of retail therapy and i scored 3 new tops and one pair of new shoes. lavender coloured.

then after this - a bit of a break from work for about a week. it will be good to have the pressure off for a bit and spend some weekends at home with the family.

So I haven't written in here for a while...just been doing the normal day-to-day things. Rearranging furniture in the house as a form of procrastination. Whenever I have a major project due, that is when my house will be at its tidiest!. I am spending the weekend at my desk here at University, all alone. It is nice in the silence, well every now and then I hear the elevator go up and down as the cleaners move between floors.

I've bought a thermos of tea to see me through the day and some crackers, Philadelphia cream spread and a banana. May need to take a trip to a vending machine later on.

All has been well at home, my two little ones continue to keep me busy and smiling. Yesterday my daughter was doing her homework, which was to draw a cartoon character, and I joined in by drawing a "Super Moz" (I'll never be anybodys hero now). She thought it was hilarious, my partner wondered what I do with my time all day!

I also managed to find time to frame the setlist from the Adelaide show in 02 that had been sitting in the bottom of a drawer and some tickets...it looks ok but partner said "is that for the bathroom wall? you are a mega fan". It is kind of corny I guess but I thought it was better than them being all lost amongst phone bills and the like.

Well, think I have put off working long enough time to get stuck into writing. I borrowed the iPod so I can write as I listen to Morrissey - funny that I so often find phrases or certain Moz words in my work :)

I've been back home just a week and feel that I am feeling a bit more myself again. I think the jetlag was pretty bad as I felt so out of it, really tired and in a kind of fog. So this past week has been pretty much useless. No work done to speak of.

My time o/s was mixed...some things I really loved but it was always with a tinge of homesickness. I missed my two little ones much more than I thought that I would - it was tough for me. The Morrissey Symposium in Limerick was fantastic & kept my mind from home. It felt like such a relief and indulgence to be able to just talk Morrissey for hours. I met some great people there and hope that we all stay in touch and maybe meet again at the next Symposium. I got to see These Charming Men & was quite impressed and had a fun night out.

In Killarney I was just really biding my time until the Morrissey concert on the Tuesday night. It was my first experience staying in a Hostel & that went ok, I had the room to myself. This turned out to be quite fortunate as on the Monday night I suffered from a vomiting (maybe food poisoning type thing). Killarney is a pretty town and the scenery is so different from home - so green - almost overwhelming. I went for a nice walk through the National Park and to see Ross Castle. That was when I thought I was going a little mad from not eating and having no-one to talk to.

The Morrissey show was of course one of the highlights of my trip! Got to the venue around 4:30pm and chatted to people in the bar and saw someone from the Symposium which was great company. Got to hear the soundcheck and just hearing Moz start to sing 'Something Is Squeezing My Skull' was so out of this world, very swoon-worthy. It was fun just being part of it all, speculating about Morrissey type things. Then to get on the rail was more than I had hoped.I thought I would be back in the middle somewhere, but in the end there wasn't many there and no real rush to get to the front - so quite easy.

I always think it might be a feeling of simulacrum - suddenly Morrissey is 'there' on stage and it feels oddly familiar and not as 'magical' as I always imagine it will. Kind of like that is how it always should be. I think I focus way too much on what he does on stage, his movements and forget the order of songs and what he says inbetween songs. After the encore I went around to the stage door and waited out in the cold with several others for the walk of Morrissey from the venue to his shiny bus. We were all rewarded with handshakes - but no signings or photos. I asked him about touring Australia (or something) and immediately regretted it - I spent the night back in the Hostel going over it and just wishing that I had said NOTHING!

After that I went back inside the venue and got to meet Boz - who was way cool!! He spoke about the '02 tour of Australia and at least knew where Adelaide is! All in all...it was such an out of this world night for me and I don't think I could ever top it.

Then it was on to London. Immediately I was happy to be there - the sun was shining and it lifted my spirits. No more rain! I spent time shopping and just looking around, taking in the differences and the similarities. Maybe in hindsight I wasted my time there by not planning properly but I also think that you could have more time and still not see it all. I had a couple of nice dinners with my brother-in-law and spent most of my time by myself. Overall I was really impressed with the public transport & didn't find it as large or as crazy/busy as I thought I would. I could easily live there if I had my two children with me. One day I walked from where I was staying in Fulham, down Kings Rd and to Sloane Square, I enjoy just walking and seeing what I discover.

After a couple of days in London it was then time to head out to visit almareallymatters and family!! I've been wanting to do this for the longest time - so it was a huge privilege and pleasure and I had the most wonderful time - and was fed really well! We made our way through some Morrissey videos :)

But it is good to be home & being away has made me appreciate that even more. However I think my partner thinks I am being a bit of a pain - I think I really overindulged in the whole Morrissey thing while I was away and it is hard to reign that in at times. Also, it does seem a little boring here at home now. Must get on with planning the next trip!

Leaving tomorrow! Woo hoo!
At the moment I am watching a TV show about Australian gardens - but I really need to get onto packing and updating my partners ipod with music that I like (meaning Morrissey of course) and check all my travel documents are in order and then book the taxi for the airport trip tomorrow.

I've had a lovely week at home with my two children, we went to the beach yesterday and it was just bliss! The weather was perfect - we ate chips down on the sand sitting in the shade of the jetty. Then we built sandcastles and my daughter suggested that we add a shell for how old we were - so I had to hunt out 30 shells! I stopped at around 21 though :) Today we stayed home, my dad come over to say goodbye and after I had a nap with my 3 year old - as he has been waking at 5am!! eeek!! Then we met friends at the park - oh I'll miss our little park and all my friends there.

We also went out for dinner - so all up - a very nice time. Tomorrow I'm expecting to be hard - saying goodbye to my babies...don't even want to think about it.

But - in about a week - I'll be seeing Morrissey....

Exactly one week to go!
I'm feeling quite prepared now & have had some excellent travel advice - so now just waiting.
Can't believe that I'll be seeing Morrissey in 2 weeks time - because I'm not sure he will be making his way down here anytime soon.

We are just enjoying the school holidays here at the moment. Went away to our beach house for Easter & had a great time on the beach & walking in the scrub. We were lucky enough to see huge groups of Kangaroos hopping in the scrub - it was a beautiful sight. And the next day at breakfast I could spot one close to the house - just across the road.

This morning we are watching 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang' - for I think the 3rd time since Monday. But it is a good movie so I don't mind them watching it so much. They love Dick Van Dyke...was he in any other children's movies other than Mary Poppins?

My daughter has her 7th Birthday on Sunday - so we are having a lunch in a nearby playground. No theme this time around, think she is getting a bit too old for that. So we are just going to play games like Capture the Flag and Red Rove and have typical party food like Fairy Bread. Hoping that this beautiful weather we have been having holds out 'til the weekend.

I'm trying to think of a good book to read on the plane - after all I'll have about 22 hours to spare! Any suggestions?