I was looking at some design websites & came across an article about a Lauren Child exhibition at the Manchester Art Gallery (until Sep 21)...I would so love to be there. Her work - Charlie & Lola being the most well known is such an inspiration to me & I love it. I bought the Pippi Longstockings book that Lauren Child illustrated, it is such a beautiful book.

I almost sent out Charlie & Lola inspired invites for my 30th...but then thought better of it.

My daughter is reading really well (top of her class!) - it is an extraordinary thing. Watching her learning & getting better. At the moment, nothing is better than seeing her engrossed in a book. A book of her own choosing! Even if it is Rainbow Magic books...after art class yesterday she read a Dr Seuss book to the children while they were waiting for their parents.

So, I have decided to have a party for my 30th, kind of got coerced into it. But, hey it only happens once. By September the weather will be much better, so I'm having a casual affair in the backgarden. A friend from school is a chef, and I'm going to ask her this week to make a cake & some other yummies. I'm sure she'll say yes. The guest list is at about 55 people & I'm even considering buying something new to wear. I keep thinking "silver".

The TV is so loud at the moment, it is the gymnastics at the Olympics & the Chinese team is celebrating a Gold medal. It's probably just because I have a headache. My 2 y.o is slightly sick & wasn't sleeping very well, so I sat up to sleep with his body laying down mine...heartwarming but not exactly a comforable way to sleep.

Grand Designs is on soon...I so LOVE it!!! My two children "sing" the theme tune & when playing with Lego, talk about constructing "a build". Anyone else watch it?

Tomorrow and Thursday I am meeting with two University supervisors about future options. The one from the art school (my school) seems totally uninterested. The one from the school of Communications has been so positive & encouraging. In my heart I think I might make the change from Visual Arts & go to Communication Studies. It seems like a big decision, like I am turning my back on what I have been involved in for so long, but really, I have never felt that the School is very supportive. So, might as well go where one is appreciated.

The rain falls hard...

It is absolutely pouring with rain today, which is great for farmers but I'm just finding it miserable. I'm really aching for sunshine. I feel that it will just make me feel a whole lot better.

Today, I am home alone! Just finished listening to You Are the Quarry, an album I rarely listen to, but for some reason it was at the forefront of my mind today. So I put it on as I did the dishes (yes, time to myself & I spend it doing housework) & found myself getting a little teary during Comeback To Camden. Anyway...

This afternoon I have art class - we are doing texture collages. The students have been so fantastic & have progressed since when we first started. It has been great to see them become more confident within the group and also become more focused on their work. The 45 mintues fly by.

Our friends got back from Norway on Saturday. I wasn't expecting them as I thought they returned on Sunday - however a phonecall in the morning & a meeting in the park was arranged. Seeing the children playing again was lovely. But I feel that they are growing up & I'm feeling uncertain in my mothering skills. My daughter is 6 and seems kind of in-between stages at the moment. Some of her classmates/friends are getting more into things like High School Musical, Hannah Montana, ipods, boys, kissing....I kind of want her to stay away from that. But I know that she might be labelled a 'baby'. Guess not to worry about it overly. But it is interesting watching children go from pre-school to 6/7/8 years old.

Still looking for work...kind of because I feel that I have to. I don't like feeling unproductive & at times the 'stay at home mum' thing does feel like that.

Am off to the local library now - without children! Might actaully be able to spend time picking out a book for myself! I just finished reading Kingsley Amis' 'Lucky Jim' and that book about Moz 'Scandal & Passion' (I think).

I think I have mused here before about the truthfulness of Morrissey's lyrics & the sometimes synchronous matching with my current situation. Well....heaven knows I'm miserable NOW!...I am looking for a job & it is just taking all the fun out of my life. I'm going to be self-indulgent for a bit because I know in reality that my Western life is better than some....but, geez, looking for employment makes me feel like I don't have the skills to do anything. Today I approached the 3 Universities here to hopefully get some tutoring work...like that isn't hotly contested. And who do you have to know? Then I've been looking at employment at the upcoming Fringe Festival - but you need a fair bit of experience & I don't really have any outside of my academic/research kind of thing.

So...guess I'll just keep looking. Hopefully something will come along. Or I could just leave this town & try my luck somewhere else.

Got my book order delivered from amazon today - my daughter was very pleased to received her 'Daisy' books. They are by Kes Gray & Nick Sharratt & are about a girl called Daisy, her mum & what they do. I love them because they seem 'real'...like the mum is kind of flawed....and Daisy does non-stereotypical gendered things. I got a book about incorporating creativity into everyday family life - which has given me plenty of inspiration.

Went out on the weekend to celebrate my friends birthday. We all went & then my partner took the kids down to the playground, they came back after about 40mins...then my son needed his nappy changed. I said "can you take him home & I'll finish my beer and be 5mins behind you"...so off the three of them went. Some 7 hours later I finally came home. My partner is now calling me a "Party Parent" & I was wondering if there was something wrong with me. My mum thinks I have inherited my (alcoholic) dads habits of not knowing when to end a party...but I don't think I am that bad. But I am going to try to not enjoy myself so much.

We also saw "The Dark Knight" on Sunday & loved it! HL was fantastically brilliant as the Joker & it made met think of what a loss his death was/is...but, it was great to go out and see a movie in a cinema. A rare treat!

I think I have been away for about two weeks. After finishing the thesis I just didn't want to write anymore, think anymore, be in front of a computer anymore!

Luckily it coincided with school holidays, my 2 y.o was sick for the first week with the dreaded Winter middle-ear infection. So, we just stayed indoors, him on my lap keeping me warm. When he was feeling ok, we read books & painted. It was nice to not go anywhere & just be together. The second week we went to the Zoo & the children got trampled by goats in the Petting Area - which was like deja vu as I remember the same happening to me there when I was young.

Last night we went to our friends for dinner - which was very delicious! We brought some wine & the shop is selling wine for $2.80 as apparently there is too much wine this season...so I filled up a box! Hope it tastes alright, but I don't think you can go too wrong with South Austalian wines.

I'm applying for a job at an art gallery, which is 3 days a week. Sometimes I feel kind of lucky that I don't need (or at times even want a job), so I feel that pressure is off me. On the one hand it would be nice to being out there, amongst adults again & doing something meaningful and for 'ME' in a way...but, then I think that I would miss being around for the children every day...so, I'm just putting in an application and seeing where that takes me.

On Friday night I had my former best friend from High School over for dinner...we reunited on facebook. It was great to see her again, but there were some old, emotional feelings there...bubbling away under the surface. We met when we were 14 & went through all our crazy times together - which I look back on fondly & think of them as the things that have shaped me.

But she was dismissing them as stupid, I think she is kind of conservative now. And she was being a bit like "Can't believe you still like the Cure/Morrissey"...maybe I am just taking it too personally. Lately though, I feel like I am being treated like a freak, an obsessive, someone who hasn't grown up. It is really making me want to keep my mouth shut when I am around people. So, guess I am self-censoring!

It was quite strange finally finishing my thesis yesterday, I felt incredibly...happy. In that moment it was just such a relief to not have anymore work to do, nothing waiting for me. I came home, spent some time with the kids, put away ALL my research notes etc, cleaned the house & then at 7pm we had friends come over to celebrate.

We opened the bottles of champagne & the kids played in the loungeroom. Then, some newer friends wanted to know more about Morrissey, so I showed them my copy of Peepholism, & they were flicking through it & I'm not sure if this is a little bit (lame) but I felt really worried the whole time. I didn't want any grubby hands on it, or spilt drink!!

Then after the champagne was all gone, we got onto beer, then white wine & then my partner had red wine...and of course ended up not very well! Strangely, I felt, well not quite sober, but kind of unaffected by how much I drank. I was just really happy with finishing & having friends over.

Today, I thought about Morrissey playing at Hyde Park & how I dearly wished that I was there. I've just been watching some clips on youtube from Dublin - I really wanted to hear 'What She Said' as it has long been one of my favourites. My daughter is into the Long Blondes, so I let her watch a couple of their film clips.

We watched the Miss Potter movie (about Beatrix Potter) on the couch, cosy under blankets. Eating popcorn. It was so nice & something I haven't done for such a long time. Then another thing I don't usually do ever, I had an afternoon nap. However I was awoken by the sounds of the little one, so got up to see what the matter was. The kids were making pancakes with their dad, I stepped out of the room for a moment, then my daughter said "Mum, Jude's vomitted!"....and so he had. Poor thing! He still wanted pancakes though! But he has now gone to bed & I am hoping that he won't get much worse, he seems to have a bit of a fever.

Tomorrow I am getting ready for the 'one of' art class I am doing on Monday (during the school holidays), there is also a garage sale a few streets over that I want to go & check out & maybe go to the Art Gallery to see an exhibition of indigenous art.

Then...who knows? It is kind of nice not having anything to do.

I have finished my thesis!!!!!!!

The end.

Aggh! I'm feeling so tired. My eyes are aching from staring at this screen for so l-o-n-g- & forgetting to bring my glasses. Just now, I have been trying to sign up for a gmail account. However, I want my email to be kinda boring...just my name...however, my name is taken & the only alternatives they provide are like "mc-something or other 8977"...whatever that means.

I was reading an article in the weekend paper (The Australian)about how treatment for post-traumatic stress is all wrong. It said that in the case of tragedy, whether earthquake or bank hold-up, that what kind of counselling that is provided (or not) has a big impact down the line for the individual. They gave a case of a policeman who was at Port Arthur (Australia's bigges mass murder) & he was given a lot of debriefing & relieving what happened. The counsellor suggested that he would go through certain 'stages' (like rage, anger, depression) and he did.

But what research has suggested is that having a PTS counsellor SAY that these things will happen, often means that they do. I guess it could be like the 'power of suggestion'. What is found to be better was labelled the 'tea & biscuit' approach, not really talking about the specifics of what happened. Also, taking the person back to the scene & having them lose their fear was also found to be good.

I found it a really interesting read...and this is probably way of topic, but I find even when I'm talking to my two children I sometimes suggest things like "were you scared" and then they say "yes"...so, it has made me think if I am suggesting too much that they are/or should be scared & then they are....hmmm....

Something which made me very happy was reading on yesterdays forums - the mention by Germaine Greer of Morrissey in her Gaurdian column!!! Sounds silly...but I was so thrilled that she even knew who he was.I didn't think that she would. But it made my heart very content.

Best dash, got to meet my supervisor to print her corrections of my work - as she couldn't email them to me...yeah

I don't even know what I want to write, so am afraid this may be a ramble.

At the moment I am taking a short break from finishing off the thesis. To say that I am "over" it...is an under statement! All words seem to have left my brain. I've been working mainly nights on this & weekends, so am left feeling really foggy for the day. I've always put things off & I really want to change! I want to get this DONE.

So I try to imagine myself finishing it, printing it out, submitting it & then what I can do with the rest of my life. Just trying to break this negative cycle that I am currently experiencing.

What will I do when I have finished?

Spend more time with the children without the worry of study hovering around me.

Watch TV/DVDs again (without guilt). I borrowed Mrs Potter from the library & I really want to watch it with my daughter.

Pack away my uni 'stuff' - clean my office space.

Begin a blog for the children's art classes.

Read a book for 'pleasure'.

Start making art again...I have so many ideas stored up just waiting to get out onto paper.

And with school holidays in 2 weeks, just relaxing with the children. We want to go and see Kung Fu Panda, go to the beach, visit a farm in the hills, gardening...

So, this is a pretty decent list to spur me into action....to get this thesis completed and submitted. I was thinking of dedicating it to my aunty - the first of my dad's side of the family (I'm the first on my mum's side) to get a University degree (and then a PhD), who passed away lasy year. And of course everyone here on Journals, who have given me cause to procrastinate & relief from the rigours of study. This place has been a great 'escape'.

***

The art class went great today! We did monoprinting & the children absolutely loved it...they couldn't get enough. I will do this one again for sure. At times it can be hard to get the boys to be as enthused as the girls - but they were right into it today.

***

Best get back to editing...

Well, of course I went out to see IT tonight...yes, the Sex & The City movie. Unable to convince my friend to come along (she wants to see it on Tues, so I will be going again), I went alone. What does that matter when there are all the friends I need on the screen? I am aware that I can't give any of the plot away...let's just say I cried, I laughed, I was angry, I was happy...it was all Fab-u-lous!

On the way out the next session was queing up to go in & would you believe me if I told you that the line stretched from the cinema door, down the thick carpet that lead to the front door. Never have I seen such a line-up for a movie! A group of young girls asked if they could go in and clean the cinema just to get in first! Crazy! Now, the hard-nosed side of me would love to see the figures ($!) for this movie. Might have made all those rumoured on-set dramas worth while.

It is also pleasing to report that I have been very good with writing my thesis...doing at least some writing every night. I feel very proud of myself. Although it is still going to be a long & lonely weekend putting the finishing touches to it.

I'm kind of feeling that I have a bit of balance in my life again. There is part of me that feels like everytime I say out loud that I am happy, something bad happens. Especially boyfriend wise. But I do feel happy again. Perhaps it is because I took to heart some advice from a wise friend across the ocean & started to care about ME a little more. After all is said and done, there is only me. Although, not wanting to sound selfish at all...I can redeem this by saying that when I am happy & well looked after, then it also seems that I am a much better mummy.

My daughter is showing signs of being a little maths genius. Which is very left of field 'cos I can barely add up 2 +2. She is 6 y.o and doing maths that 12 year olds do in class. She finds it quite easy, but we are trying not to make too big a deal of it, as she 'freaks out' and doens't want to try anymore if she feels there is too much pressure. So let me say here, that I am VERY proud of her! She wins all the good student awards, is a good reader, brilliant at art & such a kind, sweet girl. At times she is very 'head in the sky', maybe a dreamer...whereas my feet are always firmly on the ground...and that can cause a bit of friction between us. But I am becoming a bit more chilled about all that, she is such an empathetic soul. So loving towards people and animals. I think she is here to teach me something about life.

My boy is turning into a real 'boy' with every passing day. Although he loves nothing more than cuddling up with his mummy. Well...maybe chocolate & episodes of his new fave 'In the Night Garden'. TV only the makers of the Teletubbies could come up with. My daytime sentences consist of "Macca Pacca", "Iggle Piggle" "Naughty Noo Noo" and "Po's Scooter". He is a cheeky one & is really into 'bottom' humour at the moment. They both bring me so much joy.

Think it is time for me to head to bed...one last day of the school week & then it is 3 days of staying home! If my fingers haven't cramped up by now, they will have by Monday ;)

My supervisor at University said she wanted to give me a slap today. This was becasue I have not done enough work, and she is right, I haven't. I have plenty of excuses as to why I haven't done it...mainly to do with the little ones...but I know that it really is all down to me. So I must get it done.

Coming to the end of something is also making me feel a little anxious. It will be the first time in about six years when I haven't had anything ahead of me...no thesis to write, no job to go to...it is daunting. On the one hand I am looking forward to just what the future might hold. I could use some time to figure out just what it is that I want to do. And then apply for some work! and of course sing "I was looking for a job..." You know the rest!

Often my daughter wakes during the night, scared of the dark and her dreams of vampires. So, I swap beds with her. Every time that I have slept in her bed, I have a dream about my ex-boyfriend. It's really strange...maybe it is something to do with the position of the bed, the feng shui? Or maybe it is because I am sleeping on my own.

In a journal entry from long ago I wrote of using a mental imager of Morrissey to help me out...sexually...well, on Satruday night my partner & I went to an engagement party. I got all dressed up, wore heels which killed my feet, had a new haircut, drank plenty of champagne. Anyway, we came home and watched some music clips on late night TV. It was the first time the children had slept over at my mums, so we were without them for the first time ever! Anyway, things started progressing in the bedroom & then "We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful" came on...I stopped all action & watched the TV! Of course I did! However, I did feel slightly bad that I was more interested in watching Morrissey than the real life man in my bed.

Well...I'll leave you all with that...I've gotta get back to being a slave to that thesis that is waiting to be completed. Just watch the celebration on June 16th when it is done!!!