music: The Beginning Is the End Is the Beginning by SP
the above German phrase translates to doing the right thing*
For me, I usually clearly perceive what the right course of action is, or at least what the wrong one would be.
Yet, why is that not enough to make me take action?
Even when I have succeeded in being only "at" right here & in the right now.
Still, rarely is that enough to cause me to do instead of just merely be.
Simply put, its not that I do not have the will to do so much I wish to do, but that my will is unwilling.
It is not my own. So for a long time I desired to conquer myself, but now I have a sense that death brings that about soon enough.
There must be another path to these different parts of me, which are supposed to act in unison, if there ever is to be the real me "Robby".
When Robby's time shall come to an end, I do not want it to be without ever having actualized more of that as "the real me".
However, what I now perceive as my catalysts for really living this life exist only outside of "Robby".
None of their points of origins are me.
Not her, not them, not this country, not any kind of "earthly pleasure" or "high minded ideal" which I love so, none of it is why I am really here.
At this point, its like I have been waiting for the transmission of some kind "orders" to you know make the sleeper awaken.
Then, for a while, I even feared they would never come, followed by my shocking experiences in New Zealand.
After that I became struck with how much I was not hearing what the world was so clearly saying to me for so long.
Sometimes this makes me frantic to disentangle the jumble of words, ideas, feelings, hopes, dreams, nightmares, wonders, rules and all the rest of it from each other.
Fuck that sidetrack though.
I am, happily now, leaving that to the experts who specialize in each specific niche, that was never where my strength was anyways.
Not even with my vast knowledge of history did I ever really rely on memorizing particulars of each measured historical event.
My facility is to easily see the logic of how an event will lead from one point to another.
Too long I, and others like me, have wasted our time trying to make others understand what we are saying.
All that matters is understanding oneself and understanding what others say to us.
When we do the above, progress will return.
Resulting in the decline of much of the science, rhetoric, economics, art, et al now stifling all of humanity.
We must all stop giving a shit about what we perceive as how others see us!
*=I have simplified things for myself down from the ideas of Kant to one concept central to Bushido.