music: Is Electronic Love to Blame? by Apop
mood: hungry

I tried to get up as late as I could without being late for work, but sleep alluded me by late morning. So I put a wash on and it was all down hill from there really, I just did not know it yet, which I should be use to by now I think. Soon after, I just gave into this(yesterday) being Tina's Day. No matter what I did, hell, no matter even the likely fact such a notion is now either repugnant to her or possibly cruelest of all, she really does not care at all.

At least in giving in to the haunting before me I thought perhaps I could exert some control over it. After all, this way of thinking had been a driving reason behind my previous drug usage on every prior July 14th since she left. Then I recalled something I had first thought of when I was in New Zealand. My uncle M.(who happens to be going through a divorce right now actually) was watching episodes of the "new" BSG most nights of the week. He was up to Season 3 when I got there and by the time I returned from my long excursion to the South Island he was up to episode 15. "A Day in the Life" one of the episodes that had touched me the most. So I just sat there and watched it with him for what must have been at least the 3rd time for me since it had come out 2 years ago. Still, its story of how Adama reflected upon his wedding anniversary every year it came back first even when they were estranged from each other to further still doing so after her death. This demonstration of his faithfulness and ability to conjure her memory with such reverie. Well, if that was not written for someone like me to know, then there really is no divinity to be found in the universe. So yesterday while I waited for my clothes to dry before work, I watched "A Day in the Life" one more time. Perhaps doing so shall become a part of my annual day dedicated forever to her.

When it was over, I got my laundry and was surprised to find my ipod fall out of the dryer. Its broken now of course, which not only means I have to buy a new one, but that I did not have one on yesterday, off all days, one in which I would be desiring the distraction of music as I started to feel more and more low. Soon after, I took a half a Vicodin before leaving for work. My hope was that it would help stave off the blues at least until I got through work. It worked for a while, until I had some hectic stuff to do that involved not only some physical strain for me, but also stressed me mentally because my task was to do something I did not know how to do and was afraid would end in at least my breaking something if not some kind of electrical mishap. Thankfully, nothing like that occurred. As a matter of fact, those 4 hours at work yesterday were the only ones I was really able to keep my growing depression in check. And maybe if I had gone straight home to bed after work, then I would have escaped some pain. Who knows really, all I know is that I ended up drunk and unable to figure out how to get home other than by cab. Eventually though, I wast just wandering, I feel I am perfecting a form of aimless motion now. Somehow, the act of trying to absorb all the external "direction" around me eventually overwhelms the despair inside. But as my feet grew tired, loneliness became complete. Then when I got home finally, I had music to be my company. There are a number of great songs evocative of Tina's Day.