redpathetic (6184)

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a decrepit fan

Journal of redpathetic (6184)

Sunday January 25, 09

Crushes and Pain ( and pleasure )

09:58 PM

when people say things like that, it's because they're in pain, and at that time, they see the person they are saying it to, as the cause of that pain. Tomorrow he will either feel better, the pain will be less or gone, and when it comes back, if it comes back, it will be someone else that will be seen as the cause of it. I would make such threats too, if they would get me the desired results:] My threats just get me further from what I want though, so I don't bother making them. I just try to find the balance between being approachable, and being a doormat. It's being a doormat that gets me walked on, and then soon it's painful and I feel like making threats but what will I threaten? I just devise ways of thinking that will prevent me from being too available to those I like most, because that's where I get into emotional pain. Being too available to people that don't like me as much as I like them.

If I feel lonely I automatically blame the person I most want to be with. I catch myself though and I see how bratty it is.

in some moods I can be only barely aware though. Depression can distort reality when I'm feeling extremely desperate and everything looks bleak. Just have to ride it through, try not to wrench my hands too violently...try not to go too hard on the beer or ice cream or whatever. Drinking beer can make it worse, but then so can eating ice cream. The sugar roller coaster. Caffeine can exagerate the pain of loneliness too.

Maybe my crush can't see how good I could be, or, maybe my crush knows, that I can't be good, or, maybe, I'm too good and it's reverse rejection that is feared by my crush...I don't know but it can be an emotional breakdown before realization kicks in, that it's back to that old adage, of seeing what is beyond our control and just doing what we can...and that can be a guessing game. What would most appeal to my crush? That's all a guess.
And so...currently I am aiming to look forward to excitements that have little to do with anyone liking me passionately.
Like, designing a bra for myself. One that I've never seen on the market, that I have wanted to make for a long time. I don't need my crush, to be crushing on me reciprocally, to get excited about the idea of making a decent bra.

And so, next time my crush calls, I will think of something pleasant, that does not have anything to do with reciprocating my crush. That way, my crush doesn't have to feel guilty for disappointing me, and I don't have to feel guilty for being a cause of guilty feelings, and I don't have to feel frustrated to the gills, and if my crush turns the tide and begins to dog my heels, then, I don't know what I will do * gulp *.

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