redpathetic (6184)

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a decrepit fan

Journal of redpathetic (6184)

Tuesday June 30, 09

quot at the bottom of the main page

06:29 PM

" How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? "

Just what's been on my mind today mainly. Balance between being friendly and protecting my self from arrogance that friendliness breeds.

Edit July 3rd 3:22 am:
"Housework can kill you if done right. -- Erma Bombeck"
Oh ya, got to do more housework...better to burn out...she O D'd on housework. Whenever the problems became too much for her she would turn to was her way of lashing out.

Thursday April 23, 09


11:15 AM
Wednesday March 18, 09


07:55 AM
Monday January 26, 09

ya ya ya sure sure

12:10 AM

He is a distraction when I see him that way, you know, that way.
From what I want, which is, to feel okay.
I don't want misery,
But that's exactly what I get, when I aim for that height of intense pleasure,
When there is no target but someone who doesn't fit the projection.

My attempt only fails, and I am left bereft, and it's not right to be mad at him.
Society tells me that he is supposed to give me that man thing,
But I know it's not so.
I know from my own emotions it's not right to blame someone for disappointing me,
When it is I that set up my expectations,
Believing what was fun to believe,

Being reckless, not seeing that I would crash,
And who could I blame?
Isn't it a cliche?
Point at him and tell him to be a man?
I point at my projection, my delusional mind, my desperation and refusal to see the signs,
That he's just not that interested,
In playing the role I want him to play.
Why should I be angry at him?

I don't get what I want and this means I should be angry at everyone who won't metamorphous into,
Exactly what I want?

Sunday January 25, 09

Crushes and Pain ( and pleasure )

10:58 PM

when people say things like that, it's because they're in pain, and at that time, they see the person they are saying it to, as the cause of that pain. Tomorrow he will either feel better, the pain will be less or gone, and when it comes back, if it comes back, it will be someone else that will be seen as the cause of it. I would make such threats too, if they would get me the desired results:] My threats just get me further from what I want though, so I don't bother making them. I just try to find the balance between being approachable, and being a doormat. It's being a doormat that gets me walked on, and then soon it's painful and I feel like making threats but what will I threaten? I just devise ways of thinking that will prevent me from being too available to those I like most, because that's where I get into emotional pain. Being too available to people that don't like me as much as I like them.

If I feel lonely I automatically blame the person I most want to be with. I catch myself though and I see how bratty it is.

in some moods I can be only barely aware though. Depression can distort reality when I'm feeling extremely desperate and everything looks bleak. Just have to ride it through, try not to wrench my hands too violently...try not to go too hard on the beer or ice cream or whatever. Drinking beer can make it worse, but then so can eating ice cream. The sugar roller coaster. Caffeine can exagerate the pain of loneliness too.

Maybe my crush can't see how good I could be, or, maybe my crush knows, that I can't be good, or, maybe, I'm too good and it's reverse rejection that is feared by my crush...I don't know but it can be an emotional breakdown before realization kicks in, that it's back to that old adage, of seeing what is beyond our control and just doing what we can...and that can be a guessing game. What would most appeal to my crush? That's all a guess.
And so...currently I am aiming to look forward to excitements that have little to do with anyone liking me passionately.
Like, designing a bra for myself. One that I've never seen on the market, that I have wanted to make for a long time. I don't need my crush, to be crushing on me reciprocally, to get excited about the idea of making a decent bra.

And so, next time my crush calls, I will think of something pleasant, that does not have anything to do with reciprocating my crush. That way, my crush doesn't have to feel guilty for disappointing me, and I don't have to feel guilty for being a cause of guilty feelings, and I don't have to feel frustrated to the gills, and if my crush turns the tide and begins to dog my heels, then, I don't know what I will do * gulp *.

Sunday August 31, 08

You Are Your Self

09:55 AM

I have been busier lately, actually becoming part of humanity, a little. A little more than a little. What a grueling thing. Some people make it worth while though. Sometimes.

I am tinged with hate.
I'm over the cliff edge.
That part of me that was so gullible GONE.
Now I see you clearly.
You're F'in UGLY.
Never did see, such a gruesome thing.
You'll never change, I've given up hope.
No more forgiveness lives.
You've murdered every drop.
It's all dead now.
What's left.
Just your monstrousity,
A little debt.

That was not about Morrissey. It is about someone who would never willingly have Morrissey or The Smiths on the air. Only what promotes gullibility is what is allowed in her domain. The equivalent of being lobotomized. Oh how she would be keen to lobotomize me. Oh yes. I bet it's almost a sexual urge she has.

She wouldn't have the guts to lobotomize herself though, so she can't win.

Friday August 22, 08

Feeling It

09:04 AM

Busy but not miserable,
I haven't felt this in so long.
This time, it's for the right reasons.
No, it always was.
It always was.
I just made mistakes.
Trusted shifty ground.
Ungrounded ground.
Feel the dynamic ground.
It's the one that will hold you down,
Where you belong,
So you can jump and not go flying up into the clouds,
Only to come crashing down.
Gravity, to provide some resistance,
And strength to your bones.
A little leeway, so you can have fun.
But you always stay right here on the ground.
If you're gone, you're not gone too long.
You'll be coming round,
Frequently you'll be right here on the ground.

Saturday August 16, 08

She is a girl who likes her fun.

05:32 AM

She's so busy fighting off the shaming prudes,
There's nothing left.
They still blame her though, naturally, for having nothing.
People never change as long as there is no need to.
None they feel themselves.
None in themselves that they allow to breathe openly.
It's only when they are, 'not themselves',
Or in 'private' that the truth comes out of the closet.
That's when they crave her to be crucified in their stead,
Wishing they had the clarity of mind to be like her,
The freedom, and self-acceptance,
The conviction.


Red Blooded Woman


Wednesday August 13, 08

A Calm Between Storms

04:56 AM

I just like you.
I'm attracted to you.
I just have this silly idea that I can make you happy.

It's something I tend to forget.
Often I'm not feeling that.
I can't help but dream of you sometimes though,
While I'm awake,
I dream of a smiling face.
It's in your eyes.
They look happy.

Good God, Help me!

Saturday August 09, 08


12:25 AM

This loneliness.
It's pretty intense.
It seems that the more time I spend with people,
The stronger the sensation of alienation,
But that's just because of the vivid contrast,
Outside/inside, ouch.
We try though, to make a bridge.
It gets lost in the shuffle,
The paper shuffle,
The neurotic coping strategies.

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