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a decrepit fan
Tuesday June 30, 09
quot at the bottom of the main page
" How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? "
Just what's been on my mind today mainly. Balance between being friendly and protecting my self from arrogance that friendliness breeds.
Edit July 3rd 3:22 am:
Thursday April 23, 09
Wednesday March 18, 09
Sunday January 25, 09
ya ya ya sure sure
He is a distraction when I see him that way, you know, that way.
My attempt only fails, and I am left bereft, and it's not right to be mad at him.
Being reckless, not seeing that I would crash,
I don't get what I want and this means I should be angry at everyone who won't metamorphous into,
Crushes and Pain ( and pleasure )
when people say things like that, it's because they're in pain, and at that time, they see the person they are saying it to, as the cause of that pain. Tomorrow he will either feel better, the pain will be less or gone, and when it comes back, if it comes back, it will be someone else that will be seen as the cause of it. I would make such threats too, if they would get me the desired results:] My threats just get me further from what I want though, so I don't bother making them. I just try to find the balance between being approachable, and being a doormat. It's being a doormat that gets me walked on, and then soon it's painful and I feel like making threats but what will I threaten? I just devise ways of thinking that will prevent me from being too available to those I like most, because that's where I get into emotional pain. Being too available to people that don't like me as much as I like them.
If I feel lonely I automatically blame the person I most want to be with. I catch myself though and I see how bratty it is.
in some moods I can be only barely aware though. Depression can distort reality when I'm feeling extremely desperate and everything looks bleak. Just have to ride it through, try not to wrench my hands too violently...try not to go too hard on the beer or ice cream or whatever. Drinking beer can make it worse, but then so can eating ice cream. The sugar roller coaster. Caffeine can exagerate the pain of loneliness too.
Maybe my crush can't see how good I could be, or, maybe my crush knows, that I can't be good, or, maybe, I'm too good and it's reverse rejection that is feared by my crush...I don't know but it can be an emotional breakdown before realization kicks in, that it's back to that old adage, of seeing what is beyond our control and just doing what we can...and that can be a guessing game. What would most appeal to my crush? That's all a guess.
And so, next time my crush calls, I will think of something pleasant, that does not have anything to do with reciprocating my crush. That way, my crush doesn't have to feel guilty for disappointing me, and I don't have to feel guilty for being a cause of guilty feelings, and I don't have to feel frustrated to the gills, and if my crush turns the tide and begins to dog my heels, then, I don't know what I will do * gulp *.
Sunday August 31, 08
You Are Your Self
I have been busier lately, actually becoming part of humanity, a little. A little more than a little. What a grueling thing. Some people make it worth while though. Sometimes.
I am tinged with hate.
That was not about Morrissey. It is about someone who would never willingly have Morrissey or The Smiths on the air. Only what promotes gullibility is what is allowed in her domain. The equivalent of being lobotomized. Oh how she would be keen to lobotomize me. Oh yes. I bet it's almost a sexual urge she has.
She wouldn't have the guts to lobotomize herself though, so she can't win.
Friday August 22, 08
Busy but not miserable,
Saturday August 16, 08
She is a girl who likes her fun.
She's so busy fighting off the shaming prudes,
Wednesday August 13, 08
A Calm Between Storms
I just like you.
It's something I tend to forget.
Good God, Help me!
Friday August 08, 08