realitybites (13041)

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Journal of realitybites (13041)

Sunday April 16, 06

You never said goodbye to me.

02:28 AM

You said goodbye to Dad twenty years ago when you cut him off, refused to talk.

You said goodbye to Mom ten years later. You made it clear that you felt wronged--hurt and harmed.

You said goodbye to your children slowly over time as you disengaged from their lives.

You said goodbye to your wife almost two years ago, when you left her and moved to another home.

You had been saying goodbye to so many for so long.

But, you never said goodbye to me. You never cut me off, refused to talk. You never said See ya later, I love you, I will miss you. You just left one day--decided not to live any longer.

It has been over a year now, that you never said goodbye. I think about you every day--sometimes many times...

I cry still. But now I talk about you--about us. About how we used to arm wrestle. About how you used to hoard your Easter candy for months--while mine ran dry, and I so wanted some of yours. See, I have so many memories of you. I am your sister--your witness. You were just one year older. I knew you the longest. I am keeping your memory alive.

I have not spoken to your wife since your funeral.
I have been too sad, too angry...

What would I say to her? What could I understand by talking to her? I did not know... until now.

Now I know I must call her. It is time. This last wound it wanting, ready to begin healing.

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  • I am so sorry you hurt so bad... hugs*
    and the best of fortunes to you...
    Marisela -- Monday April 17 2006, @08:26PM (#212145)
    (User #1865 Info)
    • Re:ouch (Score:2, Interesting)

      Thanks Marisela. Yesterday was difficult as it was Easter. Holidays always bring back memories that make me feel both sad and happy.

      Losing my brother to suicide is something that has changed my life forever. It has made me become obsessed with my own mortality. A day doesn't pass when I don't ask myself what is this life for? Do I have a purpose? Is there meaning behind human existence? I dread the thought that this is all that there is. What if it is true that when we die our souls die as well? What is the point of pursuing excellence in mind and character if this is just temporary? Why should I bother learning all these things if my educated mind is just going to become worm food?

      I am on a quest now--to find meaning in my life--meaning beyond just surviving or experiencing pleasure. I need more.
      realitybites -- Monday April 17 2006, @10:26PM (#212156)
      (User #13041 Info |

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