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realitybites
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Journal of realitybites (13041)

Thursday April 07, 05

Crying at night

09:55 PM

It has been almost two months since I lost my brother. I still cry a little every day. Mostly it is at night, when I am lying in bed.

Three months ago, if someone would have asked me how I would manage to cope with such a loss, I would have told him or her that it would be too painful to bear.

But, here I am still functioning.

I'll never forget something that my brother said to me a long time ago, back when I was an idealistic, college student. He said, that I needed to worry about myself and my family -- that I couldn't save the whole world. The irony is that he has left his family to take care of themselves alone. But, I still think that he would want me to be strong now and take care of myself and my son.

Jeff, I think about you every night. I miss you. Your spirit is with me -- always. I love you.

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  • Still functioning (Score:2, Insightful)

    It is good to know that you are still funtioning.. I totally can understand what you mean.. It has to be the hardest thing to lose a loved one.. I really do not know what to say.. For I have lost my momma.. and this has been awfully hard on me.. But you know what..I as you was very angry.. I hated that she did not have the energy to fight what went on.. That she is not here to live with her family .. That she is not here to scold me to swat my kids with the "waterfly" fly swatter (as she called it).. That she was to young to die..That after being so strong that she let my older brother intigate her life..
    That she left us without a closer bond.. When she only had that to herself..She did not get helpers on this but me.. And I have lost energy , because she raised me to depend..I hated that about her..
    All I also have, are memories..
    Memories of a beautiful, daring fun women..
    Yes, I know she would want me to be Happy.
    I am still trying to figure her out.. And I dream about her and am happy to see her even if it is in my dreams..I was actually scared to dream of her at one point..:) I thought she was hauting me or some wierd shit like that.
    God I hope I dream about her again soon..
    I miss her to...
    Damn it!
    I share in your sadness and
    you'll be ok.. just keep yes functioning...
    Amasing how people can influince us...
    I now understand what it is to be alive, alot better!..
    It get better..Just keep trying to remember the good things.
    Well even the bad thing.. its ALL good:)
    I hope his family is doing ok..
    Just love them ok...
    and yes stay close if you can.. I hope they are living close to you..
    mines are 2 hours away. and with such a busy life and working well.. it gets difficult for me..

    But I try to call as much as I can...
    Marisela -- Thursday April 07 2005, @10:16PM (#156946)
    (User #1865 Info)
  • each of us experiences a siblings death differently mine has taken years and living at home again to really feel, be easy on your self, I struggle with feeling like did not care enough, hope you do not, good you have there words to encourage
    exMr.White -- Thursday April 07 2005, @10:34PM (#156948)
    (User #13614 Info | http://www.churchofevil.org/)
  • I can't imagine what it feels like to lose a sibling. How painful it must be for you.

    My uncle was murdered when I was 16, and that was the first time I really felt the chill of death. I remember feeling very guilty because I thought it was all my fault. Of course it wasn't, but when you're young and you can't find an acceptable answer, you tend to blame yourself without further evaluation. His death was just pointless. I still don't understand it.

    Years later, my grandmother died at the age of 88. This was acceptable, yes, but that didn't make it easier. I was very close to her and her death left such an enormous hole in my heart. I don't remember much about the days after she died. In fact, I passed out after the funeral. It was just too much.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't know your pain, but I have an idea. I doubt you'll find the answers you're looking for or ever understand why there wasn't anything you could say or do to help your brother. Just believe that he is alive within your heart and that is his home now. It won't take the pain away, but you'll know that he is there and nothing can take that away from you.
    hand in glove -- Friday April 08 2005, @09:54AM (#156988)
    (User #827 Info)
    "Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together" - Marilyn Monroe
    • Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. When I read your words, I realize that I am not alone in my experience with grief.

      Losing your uncle at the hands of another, must have made you very angry. While suicide has its own set of unanswered questions, I somehow feel more comforted by the idea, that at least it was his choice and not someone else's. Though, I wonder how much free will is involved in such a desperate decision. If one has a chemical imbalance, is s/he really capable of being rational?
      realitybites -- Saturday April 09 2005, @02:57PM (#157141)
      (User #13041 Info | http://www.myspace.com/jehne)

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