realitybites (13041)

realitybites
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Journal of realitybites (13041)

Saturday April 02, 05

Bast from the past

11:11 PM

I love it when a journalist writes an entry after a long absence of writing. His or her name will suddenly appear on the 'recently written' list. Ah a new name, I think to myself. Then I see that s/he has already written several entries. I go back in time and read what s/he has written over the last few months or even years. I really enjoyed reading Bast's journal -- so young and so wise. Sometimes I wish that I was 18 again. She says that she feels old. Oh no, she would deem me ancient.

Another thought that has been racing through my mind today is my attitude. I have been really bitchy lately. Although I am a kind and loving person, I can be a bit of a crank. I feel a little bad about my treatment of Andy Ison. Ever since I got on her case about stalking Andy Rourke, she has been laying low. This may be a good thing for Andy, Heather, and the Soloists. But, I may have really hurt her feelings. This is the crazy dichotomy of my personality. On the one hand, I am forthright and assertive. Then there is this really sensitive part of me. A lot of times these traits are at odds with one another. It makes me feel inconsistent and conflicted at times. I think I live this way on a daily basis. Being a single parent almost forces me to have a split personality. One minute I am giving praise and hugs, and the next I am having to be firm and a disciplinarian. This is very tiring. I am tired.

What a shit week, month, winter, year, decade, life. OK that is just too dramatic, even for me. The good life is out there somewhere. If only I can find it or recapture it as just a memory, to hold for even a moment.

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