Tuesday February 15, 05
08:51 PM February 13
Last night a knive was pierced through my heart. I am now suffering such deep depair. I will never heal.
My brother, friend, childhood playmate took his life friday night. WHY? WHY?
Why didn't someone call me to tell me he had attempted suicide last month but the belt he was using broke?
Why didn't someone tell me he was so unhappy?
Did they think I wouldn't care?
Did they think I couldn't help?
My brother one year older, atheist, reclusive, with children -- just like me.
He was alone, depressed, without hope.
Why couldn't someone help him? Why was he too stubborn to reach out?
He willed me to live twice, he just couldn't save himself.
It was supposed to be me. I was the sick one, the one with cancer, then anorexia. I was supposed to die first.
No note, no goodbye.
Did you think I would cry when you were gone? Did you imagine me looking at old photographs? Did you picture me attending your funeral?
Do you think we are better off without you?
Where did you think you were going?
You are an atheist. It means you knew that, it was forever.
I have my memories to keep you alive in my heart. There won't be any new ones. So I will treasure these. I promise.
How do I get through these deep feelings of loss and despair?
Your pain is gone. Are you glad? Do you have any regrets?
Dammitt, you were only 38. That was way to young to check-out.
Thank you to all the persons who comforted me through their caring comments. I have rewritten this entry and had the comments disabled due to some very hostile and cruel things that were said.