morbid_orphan (10245)

Journal of morbid_orphan (10245)

Monday August 02, 04

please, no apologies

08:23 PM

can you come out and play?
twisting inside
crimson sunlights together..?
give me misguided
missles of love
and disbelief inside
your brown mouth...
close your eyes
and simmer in the summer
with me

Wednesday July 28, 04

Reply to your email:

07:34 PM

Good to hear from you. How are the kids and mama doing? Sorry to hear about your troubles with work...if it helps any, i hate mine, and when im there i feel like hanging myself. but i remember what it felt like when i didnt have it, and i think.."why do i care, id rather be swimming' and that doesnt make me feel any better.. oh well...
also good to hear about your broadside. i hope to get one soon..i just am very busy, and or lazy and find it impossible to get out like i used to. unless its to drink or comingle with other alcoholics.. you think im kidding, right? nope..
thanks for comming by to the blog and such.. im just a nut that cant afford therapy so i write a blog. i think thats the only community i have really. and most of us drink.
i have been going out to jazz more often, its a new passion., and i have seriously been thinking about joining the circus..(i'm already a clown)
all in all its good to hear from you. we should get together just lazy and i have mild bouts of social anxiety..which is why i never go out anywhere around people i know.. seriously..but i am trying..
take care and keep writing.
your hero, ( i my hero)

Sunday July 18, 04

until you've seen the dawn rise....

07:52 AM

i'm determined to be the first of the gang to die.

not really, i just like how dramatic that sounds.

Well, no party last night. I went out to visit some friends in their new fab redecorated pad. Absolutely brilliant. It was like HGTV right in front of your eyes, and it couldnt happen to nicer people. Thats for sure.

But other than life has been miserably dull. Today i will probably clean the house, shop for groceries and get into at least 2 or 3 fights with C. Breathtaking, huh?

What i need is someone to shake things up a bit for me again..

Can you hear me, O? Here's your cue.

Friday July 16, 04

this is getting more square by the minute

07:39 PM

just got back from 'town' you know, if you are originally from the country you call everything 'town',,anyway...

so just got back from town and bought the new single(finally) ate some dinner, and checked out SIMS Busting Out, which i won't have time to play until sunday prob. Ate me some good dinner tho, pasta and seafood. yum.

enjoying spending time with c. absence makes the heart grow fonder/hornier.

OH! i've been invited to a bachlorette party for tomorrow night. Red's friend, that i met at her party..seemed nicer than the others, so i may go. The plan is to go to Sue Ellen's and get liquored up. Sounds like a damn fine plan.

Found out that logo ran into an old poetry friend from many years back. By friend i mean a past 'one night stand' It was cool..i mean.. it was a mutual night and we both understood that. I remember he was pierced..and knew how to use it.

He was positively grunge...(we all were)..i used to wear school girl dresses and knee socks..he wore t-shirts, flannels and shorts. He also had that soul patch kickin'. (Have mercy). We layed on my forest green futon and looked up at my plastic glow in the dark stars. I flipped on my skull shaped christmas lights..we talked bullshit, then i mauled him. Then something happened that has only happened that one time in my life: We came at the same time. So, I ask you, do you think he remembers every detail the way i do? I dont know.. i dont think any guys read this, but if you do, tell me what you think.

Now we are both with partners and with children. Insane. Was it really that long ago? Do i really want to see him possibly again..yeah sure. Why not? I mean..its ancient and so are we.

So anyway, theres work tomorrow and the possibility of drinking and flirting with young grrls. Sounds like an interesting post just waiting to happen. Well, we can only hope.

Tuesday July 13, 04

hi, my name is Cat, what ethniticity are you?

07:05 PM

is what she said to me. And somehow i think people don't ask that question, uless they already have a problem with you. Earlier she had been introduced to C, and while shaking his hand said, "Wow, its so strange meeting some who works for our company that is not white!" in that nervous kind of im-scared-of-you-savages-kind of way. Yeah, she was a real winner, that one. That just shows you the kind of bullshit you have to put up with in our company. Mostly though people have some kind of sence not to say it in your face. Not this prize jewel..I anticipate her climb to the top will come swiftly!

We were at the red haired girls' house. It was ok..mostly cause i felt out of place even before the asshole came around. So what do you do when you feel out of place? Why, drink! A whole lot! So,all in all it was allright. I got some killer pics to send in to Suicide Girls, for my sticker pictures. We all kind of sat around and took pictures of each other all night while we were conversing..oh yeah, and some dumbasses were trashing morrissey for a while, but you know i came to his defence as best i could, while still understanding that its not worth it,cause they'll never understand. You see, they listen to a song like 'Rubber Ring' and totally not hear what it says, they are too caught up in what is cool for them to do, and apparently, Moz Bashing is very cool to them. Whatever. Stupid Kids.

But really, I had a good time. I was nice to be around the girly and the boss. They seem so domesticated allready. And they are very happy it seems. *Sigh* it's so good for my heart.

Well, Im off to Lanc to pick up the pup and have a late breffy at Cracker Barrell..there's walking into the lions den. Oh well, i cant help it, they have the best breakfast for hangovers!

Wednesday July 07, 04

scratch my name on your arm with a fountain pen..

08:05 PM

the red haired girl got a new haircut, with bettie page bangs. Be still my heart. She scheduled us for lunch together tomorrow. Yipes. What should i wear? She also asked me to dye her hair this saturday..purple..and maybe some peach. She says she's been looking at the suicide girls.. (havent we all?) for inspiration. They sure inspire me..!

my cd's at the store are looking more orderly, and i'm feeling less harried since they dropped some sections that i had. Next week i start recieving. im sure im going to mess it all up. I hope thin waist boy will help.

I got the new Mojo Smiths spectacular. im going to dream of moz tonite. I feel so young looking at the pages of him. It inspires me to go walking down the train tracks again. T, TMcG and D and I used to do that..all alone in the quiet night of the sleepy home town..i remember walking the tracks for the hell of it..going nowhere..and then later when i was at school i remember doing it again, in sulphur springs looking for the ghost lights. and then again crossing the tracks to the train junction turned frat boy bar hang out. Listening to the smiths makes me think of the line, 'and when a train goes by, its such a sad sound' possibly my favorite line ever written by the man. It reminds me of hearing the train on sleepless nights in my mothers house..and then again in the middle of the night with insomnia in my first apartment alone..and again with C in the oldest house we lived can always count on the train..its always there wailing sadly and surely..and it is a sad sound..
Thank you, Morrissey, for giving me the ears that hear..

Monday July 05, 04

im baaaaaack

06:11 PM

and there is lots to spill. I'll try to spread it over a few days, cause i'm really tired right now, just got in.

the family is doing well. Most of us are relieved that gramma is not suffering anymore. But we still miss her. I got a chance to see lots of family i have not seen in years and we all took a picture together. 40 of us present. I had no idea how lucky i am..

I saw Mom's gravesite. It was tramatic at first..but then calming. I spent a long time there.. thinking things over. I know..she's not really there anyway..i'm just not sure where she is. If she is where she wanted to be, then she is happy. And if gramma is there with her too, then she's even better. I can't help missing them both, but that's my attachment. And that is what causes my suffering, ultimately.I feel like this weekend brought me lots of closure, but it illustrated a lot about the precept of Suffering and Attachment. I meditated quite a bit, and also participated in the reciting of the Rosary, for the nights i was there in town. I found that the praying is not unlike the chanting of the buddhist prayers, and i found it easy to meditate inside the sounds of our voices. I truly have begun to find my spiritual place somewhere between Catholosism and Buddhism. It' s Wonderful. I can't help thinking that i've always know.. and never really accepted it. Funny.. the way i fight things all the time..

Speaking of fighting..

C and I had a fantastic time. No anger. He was very supportive, and we got to spend lots of time together. We even went to the coast.I have pictures! But more about all of that later. Right now, i have to take a shower and nurse the 3rd degree sun burn (well, it feels like it!) on my back. Why can't I acept that I am guerra and not made for the sun? All i ever wanted to be was morenita like my family...but here i am the white sheep of the family...! hah!

more later..M_O

Wednesday June 30, 04


02:47 PM

to everyone for their thoughts and prayers for me and my family..i do appreciate you all.

i guess im still in shock, cause i feel very calm and not too emotional yet. I'm sure as soon as i make it up the path to my gramma's door it will hit me, but until then, i have lots to do.

work gave me the rest of the week off, so i don't have to worry about that. This morning i went in for 4 hours and it was pure hell. It must have been 'fuck with the girl with red bangs' day, cause i had a whole bunch of asswholes around me all morning. Sometimes i wish we could wear little name tags that say things about us, so people will just hold off the sarcasm for a day at least.My tag would say:

Do you really want to know what i think? i think my gramdma just died and i could give a fuck less about what you think about my offer on your moldy dirty books, ok?

So, maybe i am a bit emotional today.

I have to do laundry, and pack, and decide how i'm going to tell P that gramma died. She didnt have much contact with her, just over the phone once and a while, so i'm not sure. It's getting to be the only time P sees her extended family it's because someone died. That's entirely my fault. I should really have kept in touch..

and there is guilt. guilt that i should have spent more time with gramma. I've been grieving her death ever since mom died, cause i knew she would be following her soon. I just knew..

and last night, was the first night in months i slept tossing and turning. I guess..all of that was a sign that something was happening. I've lost my cosmic tie to the universe somehow, with mom and gramma both gone. Now it's only me and P.

The sun outside is peeking thru finally. I am drawn to it. I know i need to get to work, but somehow i think i need to sit in the sun a little. Afterall we only have one life to sit in the sun..and i think i haven't done enough of that so far.

Tuesday June 29, 04


06:45 PM

my gramma died in her sleep last night. I just found out from c who thought it would be better that i not know until work was over. fuck him. lets just keep perpetuating the belief that i'm always the last to know anything that goes on around here. how dare he make that decision. well, i didnt tell him, i just thanked him sarcastically, while inside im really sad..

i'm more sad that i don't know her.

i'm more sad that i have to be around alot of people that still think i am a child, and treat me that way.

i'm more sad that they are going to be putting her in the ground next to my sweet mother.

We'll be leaving for the 12 hour trip tomorrow night. I have so much to do, and all i really want to do is sleep. My house smells like burnt dinner right now, and i really need a beer. I'll have to miss at least 3 days of work, and i'm supposed to be helping out the inventory team this thursday. I'm really tired.

This morning i saw 2 birds on a powerline outside work while i smoked a cig. I was thinking they looked cute and content just to be sitting next to each other and i was thinking how they reminded me of me and o. and then one of the birds moved closer to the other one.. and then the other one put its little head on the others chest and cuddled up sort of. I don't think i have ever seen birds do that kinda made me cry a little. The sky was so grey behind them and they were so content to be next to eachother. I think it was beautiful....

Monday June 28, 04

the news

03:38 PM

isn't good. Gramma is really sick and they think she is not going to make it. There is a feeling if finality this time.. and i think i'm going to have to go to see her. the bad news is that this week is inventory, and that the day dad wants to leave is the first day of. i have really got to get the nerve to tell The Boss. I don't know what elese to do.

the really bad news is that my sister... the one who denounced me after she 'found God' will be going too. I'm not sure if I can handle this. Here my poor grandmother is dying and all i can think about is being trapped in a car with the people in the world i'd most not like to be around, and they just happen to be my family. I don't even know why i have to go..because.. there it has nothing to do with gramma. I mean, we are solid. I don't have to prove to anyone that it is. Why do we do these things when people die?

The other part of this whole thing is..i have to see my mom's grave. And.. i just can't do it. I don't want to be anywhere near there. I have not even seen it yet. It's been over 2 years.. and i have not been back since the funeral. I think about what O said to me one time when she was really frustrated with me.. she said i had to let mom go.. i have.. but not entirely and this would be the situation in which i would. I guess it doesnt matter if i'm ready.

So there is another funeral to prepare for. I hate funerals. I really would rather have a disco party before i die, or a poetry reading..and then when i die, do what you will...I ain't comming back.

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