Journal of imacolata (2705)

Tuesday June 03, 08

This is required

08:28 AM

I was listening to some songs on shuffle when Haunted By You came on. I haven't listened to that song in a couple of years because it reminds me too much of that time in my life. That long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, where I was in love with a man with my entire heart, and I thought he loved me, too. That time in my life where all cards were wrong.

I did the math; 8 years ago. Where has the time gone? (Where have you gone?) The years have dulled the pain, for certain. I can't say that I'm unhappy about it. It was a pain I thought would never go away - one that would be forever as sharp as the day I found out you were gone.
Now it's just a hollow, lonely feeling. Like the nerves have gone and died, and I'm feeling the phantom pains of a lost limb or part of my soul.

You once signed my journal with a vague comment ("from the pub to the grave...") and left it anonymous. I knew it was you. I haven't been able to bear listening to the song since then.

I hope you're okay. I hope you remember me. I hope you didn't forget. Sometimes I think that the pain I felt when you left would be nothing compared to the pain of being forgotten.

I leave with these lyrics:
Sometimes I think back to those nights so long ago
A time of youth and innocence
Always searched for something, what I didnt know
Til I found you
Yeah, Ill never forget that feeling
The rush was insane
And sometimes when the sun is setting
My memories take me so far away
Sometimes I wish that things just couldve stayed the same
You know that time can break your heart just to see the way things change
Waves of emotions brought on by a song
But now you're gone, and time marches on
And I will never forget, never forget you
Never forget, never forget you
The crazy times you helped me through
And I will never forget, never forget you
Sometimes something reminds me
And takes me so far back
A part of me will always stay there
In the shadows of the past
Where would I have ended up without you?
So far gone
You changed the world of a young man
A reason to hold on
I remember you close to me and you whispered in the dark,
The time will come for me to go you must forget me not
What it meant is known by precious few
But rest assured I will remember until my life is through

Remember Forever - Tiger Army
http://www.imacolata.net/tigerarmy-rememberforever.mp3

Tuesday May 15, 07

I'd Love To

06:17 AM

The show in Ann Arbor was last night. It was just fine. Everyone's talking about how great the crowd was, which I think is incredibly hilarious because it was such a BO-RING crowd. Boring, Sid, Boring!!

I miss the days of sparkly shirts and everyone chanting "Morr-i-seyyyyy!" The days of rushing the stage and fear of getting trampled.

While my old lady self appreciates some of the down time, I don't go to his shows expecting some polite applause and a couple of "woo"'s. Ah well, his voice was incredible this time around. Seriously great.

And he took his shirt off twice. That fact alone made this the best show in years.

I looked for an old friend, but I know I wouldn't have said anything should I have seen them.
Those old wounds don't need to be reopened, just when I'm finally able to move past them.

Thank god for Morrissey.

Thursday October 26, 06

Your playlist

09:59 AM

Yaz - Only You
Descendents - Cameage
Incubus - Wish you were Here
Danzig - Twist of Cain
Pulp - Acrylic Afternoons
The Smiths - Jeane
Belle and Sebastian - I don't love anyone
The Get Up Kids - Anne Arbour
Pixies - Where is my mind
Kevin Spacey - Lester end monologue
Descendents - Hope
Gene - Olympian
The Who - Baba O'Reily
311 - Beautiful Disaster
Stereo MCs - Connected
Morrissey - Southpaw
Morrissey - Ordinary Boys
Roxy Music - More than this
The Smiths - Ask
Anthrax - Among the Living
Oasis - Don't go away
Morrissey - Trouble Loves Me
Phantom Planet - California
The Misfits - AstroZombies
Morrissey - Boy Racer
Radiohead - Creep
The Church - Under The Milkyway
Information Society - White Roses
Radiohead - Paranoid Android
The Misfits - Hybrid Moments
Ash - Girl From Mars
Danzig - How the Gods Kill
Chris Isaak - There She Goes
Hal Hartley - Trust (cue #16)
Ash - Goldfinger
Morrissey - My Love Life
Chris Isaak - Baby Did A Bad, Bad Thing
Adam Ant - Wonderful
Sebadoh - Think (Let Tomorrow Bee)
Blur - Beetlebum

Wednesday October 11, 06

J'aurais Toujours Faim de Toi - SSB

11:09 AM

Rien de dormier cette nuit
Je veux de toi
Jusque'a ce que je sois sec
Mais nos corps sont tout mouilles
Completement couvert de sueur
Nous nous noyons dans la maree
Je n'ai aucun desir
Tu as ravage mon coeur
Et mois j'ai bu ton sang

Mais non pouvons faire ce que nous voulons
J'aurais toujours faim de toi
Mais non pouvons faire ce que nous voulons
J'aurais toujours faim de toi

Tout le monde est a moi
Je l'ai gagne dans un jeu de cartes
Et maintenant je m'en fous
C'e'tait gagne trop facilement
Ca y est alors ma belle traitresse
Il faut que je brule de jalousie
Tu as ravage mon coeur
Et moi j'ai bu ton sang

Mais non pouvons faire ce que nous voulons
J'aurais toujours faim de toi
Mais non pouvons faire ce que nous voulons
J'aurais toujours faim de toi

Mais non pouvons faire ce que nous voulons
J'aurais toujours faim de toi
Mais non pouvons faire ce que nous voulons
J'aurais toujours faim de toi

No matter what I do
I'm still hungry for you
No matter what I do
I'm still hungry for you

Rien de dormir cette nuit
Je veux de toi jusque'a ce que je sois sec
Mais nos corps sont tout mouilles
Completement couvert de sueur

Thursday September 21, 06

wish you were here...six years later.

11:13 AM

Scott, where are you?

Tuesday April 18, 06

You must see I will not move.

06:30 PM

A couple of years ago I was asked why I continued to care for someone who obviously had no regard for my feelings.

I had no answer then, and I have no answer after all of these years. I still ask myself that question now and again hoping that as the days pass I gain some sort of age-old wisdom that only comes with the passage of time. I don't know. I still continue to care for him as much as I did in 2000 before he left for sunny Califor-ni-a. Perhaps not as passionately - I don't feel the fire burning under my skin like I did. I used to be able to close my eyes and see his face, smell his cologne, feel his fingertips tracing the line of my lower lip. I could conjure up his voice and his laugh at the snap of my fingers. No more.
I still see his smile, faintly, I see his blue eyes, distantly, feel his fingers only in my memory - it's all shrouded in a gauzy, smokey haze. He's there, but is he? An apparition from my heart and mind.

Life has changed so much since those days of unbridled passion and intensity. I've grown, changed, evolved, become someone different but still have the same soul I once did. He's a part of it whether I like it or not, and I don't know how to change that.

As life continues and I become more of my own person, more of an adult - wife, mother, myself - I wonder more about him.

I wish I could have just once last dance in the dark, the cold spring night air ushering out what it once welcomed so openly and freely.

I miss him more than I will ever be able to put into words. I hope he is okay.

Friday August 05, 05

Old friends, forever.

05:09 PM

Smiths - distance does not erase you from my memory.

Tuesday June 29, 04

What justice system?

05:16 AM

I've been closely following the events surrounding the Haidl rape case.

Here's the story in a very short synopsis.

There's three boys who are rich and popular. There's a girl who has a bit of a "reputation". The kids are all about 16. The boys decide to get together with the girl, (allegedly) drug her drink, wait for her to pass out and rape the shit out of her. They brutally raped her, slapped her, inserted snapple and orange juice bottles into her along with a pool cue.
At one point they even jammed the pool cue so far into her vagina that they put their hand on her stomach to see if they could feel it.

Oh, and they video taped it all.

And then accidently returned the video to the video store.

Someone saw the tape, thought the boys were having sex with a corpse (this is how out of it she was) and immediately called the police.

Arrests were made, boys on trial. Nevermind the fact that the "main" boy, Greg Haidl, is the son of the Assistant Sherrif of Orange County. Haidl's attorney, the slimiest skeeze asshole of the world, Joe Cavallo, says the girl faked it, that she wanted it, that it's her fault, that she raped those boys, that she *deserved* it. All because she had a reputation for having a lot of sex. Their paid witnesses claimed she faked it. They claimed that she wasn't in a stupor and could even "do complex math".

These boys drugged, raped and assaulted this girl. Who, at one point, was so out of it that she urinated on herself while they rammed a pool cue up her ass. Never at one point, according to the video, did she try to resist. I don't care how hard you try to pretend to be "out of it", if someone shoves a pool cue up your ass with such force that you bleed, you're going to react. Unless you're drugged and can't.

I encourage you to read as much as you can about this case. Some of the best coverage is at the Orange County Weekly website.

Because you know what? The jury just declared a mistrial

That's right. A mother fucking mistrial.

This makes me want to bash some peoples heads in for real.

These rich little boys from richtown got off because they paid their witnesses and lied. LIED THROUGH THEIR TEETH. They brutally raped a girl and the only thing they have learned from it is that they might get caught but they won't get punished.

These fuckers don't deserve to enjoy life. This girl sure as hell won't. She won't be enjoying a healthy and happy sex life because she's had to endure this trauma that will be with her for the rest of her life. These boys will forget about it tomorrow. "Thank god that's over," they sigh and go on and drive their porsches and hang out on the beach living it up.

And society wonders why more people don't report their rapes. BECAUSE NOTHING EVER GETS DONE. Especially if you have enough money to pay everyone off.

Friday June 25, 04

I could be dreaming.

06:51 AM

I heard a song the other day that was once the foundation of my true romantic ideals:"If You Were Here" by the Thompson Twins on repeat, tinny through the sound of my computer speakers.

My thoughts, of course, turned to him. I wanted to walk outside to see if he was waiting for me there by his red Porsche 944. Maybe he would be? Maybe he tracked me down?
Maybe he misses me and our conversations as much as I miss him and his laugh? Maybe maybe maybe.

The song -- it's all so passionate, the swirling sound of the organ, the haunting near whispery voices. It's as if a phantom ghost hand reaches out from my monitor, curls its grey smoke fingers into my chest and squeezes my heart just ever so slightly. Enough to make my breath catch a little in my throat.

Was he waiting for me? Was he my Jake Ryan coming back to kiss me softly and sweetly over a birthday cake two months early?

It didn't occur to me, until today, to look at the lyrics of the song.
I think the answer is quite clear:

If you were here, I could deceive you. And, if you were here, you would believe. But, would you suspect my emotion wandering, yeah? Do not want a part of this anymore. (So I'll move to California, lie to you and break your heart)(that part's in there in your version, isn't it? -ed)The rain water drips through a crack in the ceiling and I'll have to spend my time on repair. But just like the rain, I'll always be falling, only to rise and fall again.

Wednesday May 26, 04

This is required.

03:19 PM

I 3 Higgy, so much that I copy her.

Firsts

First best friend: Niki
First car: Pontiac Grand Prix
First real date: Some time in 1990
First real kiss: Fall 1989
First break-up: Spring 1989
First screen name: imacolata
First self purchased album: Hooked on Classics
First funeral: I don't remember.
First pets: Felix the cat
First piercing/tattoo: my ears; a clive barker drawing on my hip/thigh
First credit card: 1994
First enemy: 1st Grade
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Bob Segar

Lasts

Last cigarette: 6pm 5/26/2004
Last car ride: an hour ago
Last good cry: Watching Under the Tuscan Sun
Last library book checked out: Geek Love by Katherine Dunn
Last movie seen: Troy
Last beverage drank: Diet Coke
Last food consumed: Jimmy Jons
Last crush: 2000
Last phone call: Today at work
Last time showered: This morning
Last shoes worn: mary janes
Last cd played: Knee Deep Shag
Last item bought: Fabric
Last annoyance: The president of my company
Last disappointment: myself
Last time wanting to die: a couple of weeks ago
Last time scolded: hm.
Last shirt worn: maroon v-neck
Last website visited: cnn.com
Last word you said: "Parker, get down" to my dog.
Last song you sang: The Gardener by Knee Deep Shag
What is in your cd player?: mixed cd
What color socks are you wearing?: none.
What color of underwear are you wearing? maroon. Holy crap, they matched my shirt.
What's under your bed?: a cat
What time did you wake up today?: 6:40am

Future

What is your career going to be?: I'm doing it - writer
Where are you going to live?: probably here.
How many kids do you want?: 2
What kind of car(s): mini cooper, vw jetta or something like that.

Current

Current mood: hungry
Current music: knee deep shag stuck in my head, boo.
Current taste: minty.
Current hair: short and flippy
Current clothes: jeans and t-shirt
Current annoyance(s): my dog trying to jump on me
Current desktop picture: Collage of all the captains of Star Trek
Current favorite artist: Clive Barker or Andy Lee
Current book(s): THe Dark Tower book 3 by Stephen King (again)
Current color of toenails: red
Current time-wasting wish: I think we all know what that is.
Current hate: jaw pain.



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