hand in glove (827)

hand in glove
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Sunday January 03, 10

Existence is only a game...

09:06 PM

I must have "Please Ask Me If I'm Okay" written across my forehead. I can't tell you how many people from work today asked, "What's wrong?", "You look so sad! What's bothering you?", "Are you okay?". I, in return, wanted to ask, "Well, have you opened your eyes today? Do you see what I see?". I suppose it's true that I wear my thoughts on my...face. I am very stressed out and worried, yet I'm calm and pleasant. More so than I should be, I think. With the troubles I am having in my family life, and major personal problems as well, I really should be close to a nervous breakdown. But since I've been there, done that, I guess I'm just deadened to it now. So, I smile, pipe up and say, "Oh, I'm great! Just tired!" and go on about my day. They buy it, or they don't. It doesn't matter to me. I just find their interest baffling and kind of fascinating. But maybe they wish to divert their attention to someone else whose misery is a bit more than their own. It really isn't because they care or anything.

It's revolting, really. You spend so much time helping people, tending to their needs, listening to them, offering support, and what do they give you in return? I'm not a Saint by any means, but these same people - where are they when I need them? My best friend of 22 years...where is she? My brothers - what the hell is wrong with them? My Father...how did he become so bitter? I've got one person who understands me, but I've never even met her (Thanks, H, if you read this). It's just...I mean...I feel completely isolated! Again, I wonder what I've done. But, I haven't done anything, or if I did, I sincerely have no clue what it may have been to cause all of THIS.

Well, I AM tired. I can sleep 12 hours and wake up exhausted. I'm well aware that it's not normal to feel this way. I'm basically a healthy person, so I should have more energy and I shouldn't feel so sickly all the time. I've determined that it all comes down to how I'm leading my life - or how others are trying to lead it for me. And it's going to stop. It's not depression on my part. I'm not using that old crutch anymore because I don't think it's true. I believe if I could just get out from under these certain circumstances, I may have a real shot at being quite happy.

And, you know, things happen swiftly sometimes. I don't know what's going to happen in the next month, but quite a few major changes will take place. One being a move that I thought wouldn't take place until August may take place as soon as the first of next month - to FLORIDA. How it's going to happen, I don't know. Will it even happen? I think I don't have a choice. I've got to find a better place to live so that I can really grow in my career. Esthetics isn't very popular in NC. If I don't move to a metropolitan area where the spa business is booming, I'm really going to be in trouble...

I'm gonna stamp "I'm OK" on my forehead tomorrow.

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