everybody's lost (12791)

everybody's lost
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Tuesday January 25, 11

every day is silent and grey....

08:56 AM

I feel like I'm hibernating through the winter... after a summer spent outdoors, I've locked myself up in the house, I've sealed the windows in plastic, weatherproofed doorways and filled my fireplace with candles - and i ain't leaving until spring....
I can see how people become hermits.... it's a vicious cycle - the less you leave your house, the less you *want* to leave your house.
people wanted us to come over to watch "the game" on Sunday - the thought of it made me shudder.... first off, I don't 'get' football (american football that is) and I don't like it at all; secondly, the people in question, while super sweet, are just a bit boring... the thought of venturing out in the cold to spend a few hours watching something I don't want to watch was making me unhappy.... I gently hinted to mr. lost (by way of yelling out "I'm not going anywhere!" at regular intervals from under the covers) that maybe he should go alone...
so when they never called us up on Sunday to reconfirm, I was mucho relieved... back under the covers I went with my hot water bottle...
i've got a tv in the bedroom now, you see, and so I spent a lovely weekend in and around my bed, getting up only to eat, do loads of laundry (which I then piled back on the bed for folding - god forbid i venture into any other room of the house) and hours upon hours of tv... from the time I got home on Friday after work until I left to go back to work on Monday, I only ventured outside once, to get some food.... i wonder how much longer I'd stay there if pesky work hadn't've interrupted.....
mr. lost popped in and out only to find that I hadn't moved in many hours.... it started to get mildly embarrassing but by then, I was too lazy to care what anyone thought....

no amount of motivation can get me up and running again - literally - I haven't run in about 3 months now.... I keep telling myself that I have to start on the treadmill again to be ready to go once it gets warm out but the treadmill stands idle in my living room.... i don't even have it trying to guilt me as I sit on the couch, since I've moved my tv watching operation into the bedroom.... out of sight, out of mind....
I reactivated my gym membership one night, over the phone of course (I didn't actually *go* there to do it...) in the hopes that it would motivate me to go, but so far, i am a no show... how can I go to the gym when there's so much crap to watch on tv?
and I sit at work - dreaming of my lovely bed....
ah the laziness....
I've just learned that we're getting an additional benefit at work here - we can opt to work at home a small number of days per year.... I'll be able to go to work in my pajamas - fantastic....

january...
I'm sure that this too, shall pass.... I think when the sun comes out, like a groundhog, I shall emerge from my little den, squinting - stretch and begin to live among people once again... hopefully... :)

Sunday December 19, 10

so here it is merry christmas everybody's having fun(slade)

08:01 PM

how many calories in a whole bottle of Bailey's, I wonder? cuz I've just about finished one... yum-MEEE...
the tree is up... the stockings are hung, cheesy christmas lights have been strung around the bookcase and the tv... and here I am, enjoying my Bailey's and carols and Ab-Fab - don't know why but Ab-Fab has become my Christmas staple.

still doesn't feel like christmas though - but I think it won't anymore... really, I think I've spent every Christmas for the past 5 or so, wondering why it don't feel like Christmas and the truth is that whatever "that" feeling was, it's just gone. So no use in trying to get it back.

I have a few things still to go out and buy - I haven't even started Christmas shopping truth be told, but I've got a week off of work so I'm sure I'll get to it.
Why is it though, that people won't let you just browse in peace? 3 different occasions recently, I've been looking for something vague in a store and I've had multiple people ask me: Can I help you? now, normally, I ignore them, and just say, "No thanks." However, recently, I've actually been looking for something so I answer these people with, "Yes; can you help me find ____?" and these people don't know where it is either - so now I'm wandering around stores with company, as we BOTH look for _____. Just leave me to it, thank you very much.... If I'm going to wander around, I'd prefer to do it alone.

in other news, I've got a new job - at my old job. Basically, they had called in some sort of "efficiency management" company to do an "assessment" of our departmetn and after their assessment, they've decided to split my team into 2 and move half of us to another department. I'm not happy and I'm not sad.... It's a new challenge, etc. etc. etc. and all that jazz (thank god I'm getting a new boss - holy crap is that good news) - but in reality, all I can think is, hey, at least I ain't getting laid off...
and I'm taking two of my previous team with me, so that's a plus.
also, I believe one opf my neighbors is availing himself of prostitutes... there are a number of young women coming and going - all very strange. One of them was walking down the alley as I drove in and she kept glancing over her shoulder at me - I wanted to yell out, "I live here all right? just parking - pay no attention to me." Some of them stay for a few days, some of them come over only once... I'll see them out on the balcony smoking and/or leaving in the morning...Because now, I have no idea who lives there anymore - originally, it was a muslim couple, then some asian girls were about, now it's the original dude and these random chicks...I've taken it upon myself to investigate.
I wonder if anyone has been investigating me? probably not - too boring.

Tuesday October 19, 10

it's over it's over it's over......... (roy orbison)

11:28 AM

I feel like writing a "year that was" entry - usually the urge hits around New Year's, but this is early... with good reason.... because the craptastic year i've had started and ended with September....
but it's over now....
and like a tornado victim, emerging from my hideout, a little shaken, a little dirty, a little lighter in possesions, I'm slowly pulling off the debris and seeing what's left....
since september of last year - mr. lost lost his job, we started the process of getting rid of our condo while it was slipping into foreclosure, my uncle died (a lot of guilt associated with that for me - not that I killed him or anything like that, but only in my being his favorite niece, and not visiting him before he died, or indeed, afterwards, going to the funeral), then my mom's accident and subsequest hospitalization and operation, all of the aftermath due to lack of insurance, throughout all of this, we never told anyone about mr. lost losing his job... not a single family member... so carrying a secret around also.... then we had a series of buyers for our condo, all the deals fraught with hope, and then ultimately, despair as each deal fell through due to x, y or z....legal questions and complications and implications.... and then finally, we found a buyer, the condo is sold, and on the last day of september, we were free (after paying out most of our savings in a settlement)....
mr lost had found a job during all of this - and now we're trying to come to terms with a spell of calm....
so, I had been far more stressed than I even let on to myself... plus I had a facade to keep up with family and friends due to my general lack of trust of anyone....
I'm still kind of lost as to what to do now - now that much of the stress is over... it's like you get used to the adrenaline of it and now are a bit empty...

apparently, I'm still a bit fragile though... we hadn't had anyone over in almost this whole year so we finally had some friends come by and visit this past weekend and all I did was drink way too much...I do believe that i was getting a bit slurry - most embarrassing..... that led to feelings of guilt the next morning, as I felt that they hadn't had a good time, while i made a fool of myself (I hadn't - I know that - because who the fuck cares if I got a bit tipsy - they were being boring) but still... can't shake that bad feeling....
I went to get a haircut and update my color and my regular girl was out so I went with someone else.... she cut in way too many layers and then when I got home, I freaked out....
my hair looked and felt SO thin....
I *had* been losing a lot of hair lately, but with the additional layers cut in, I was shocked at how thin my hair had become... I felt like all the pride I take in my hair was the reason that it's been falling out - a sort of pride before the fall... very catholic of me, I know (I still feel guilty throwing out bread - some things just stick with you).
added to this was my hangover, and the horrible feeling that people hadn't had fun, and I felt very fragile on Sunday.... I spent the rest of the day curled up on the couch....feeling sorry for myself and making myself feel sick.
rationally, I know it's going to get better and I know that the crap from last year is all over... it's just taking a while for my emotional state to recover.

I rarely dream (or rarely remember my dreams, whatever) yet in the last year, I've had about 6 dreams about my uncle... I've probably had about 15 dreams total in the last year, so it's a high percentage is all I'm saying....
either way - on my birthday, I had a dream that I was saying goodbye to my uncle... we had been in someone's living room and he was wearing a suit (like he used to do when he was flying home), and we stood up and were saying our goodbyes.... we were crying, and hugging (like we used to do when he was flying home)... he told me to remember that he's always loved me.... and then I woke up.... with this great sadness.... it was the overpowering type of sadness, the kind that one gets when someone close dies... and I fell back asleep a while later....
I haven't dreamed of him since.... and I haven't felt as sad about him since, either...
I think that was my way of saying goodbye to him... and no, I don't believe that he was "visiting me" or anything like that - I know that it's all in my head - but whatever it was, it was my own brain letting it go finally.

so here I am, with fewer possessions, less stress, and less hair....

I need a vacation....

Tuesday July 20, 10

I walk through the streets and memorize the city (the organ)

08:15 AM

I've been running outside.... at night.... and I do quite enjoy it - the city's steamy and quiet...the cars are minimal.... sometimes i even turn off my ipod and just listen to the sound of my sneakers on the pavement....that and my breathing.
on one of my routes - I pass through a long stretch where factories back up against a cemetary.... the area is well lit, but still very desolate.... sometimes, people from the factories will come out and smoke cigarettes and i can hear them in my head; they're probably thinking - what is that stupid girl doing running alone back here?? or maybe it's just the thought in my own head that I'm hearing. on one hand, it IS pretty stupid.... on the other, it's very motivating.... you definitely won't catch me stopping for a break anywhere on that stretch... my neighborhood is relatively safe, I don't pass through there every day and I hardly ever go at the same time - I think if someone was going to kill me or something, they'd have to plan ahead and I don't think it would be easy for them to figure out when I'll be there.... but still... I try to avoid that route anyway just because it is probably a stupid place to run.... except that I feel like it's no more dangerous than anywhere else... and it is only a 4 block stretch and then there's houses and a busy street running alongside - I always have a back up plan of where to run to for help should something happen... heck, I could probably run INTO the factory - there's one where the back sliding doors are open and machines are running...
well anyway - before i get killed by a murderer, I'll probably die of a heart attack... in the rest of the residential areas that I run through, there are bunnies.... tens and tens of bunnies... and the occasional possum..... all jump out and literally make my heart thump, all while my heart is already beating at an advanced pace.... they'll be the death of me..... I keep thinking "RAT!!" "oh, just a bunny....." and the possums, well they basically ARE giant rats, so when I see one of them skulking around I think "RAT!!" - "AAAAAGGGHH!shit! Possum!!" and run into the street to avoid it.... yuck.... go ahead, google some images of possums - and you'll see why I'm basically more afraid of them, than of murderers...

I decided back in May to finally keep track of my mileage (even though i started running prior to May) and so since May 14th - last night I crossed 200 miles... not all of that was running though, about 50 miles of that was probably walking (since I walk to warm up, walk a stretch at my turnaround point, and also walk when I can't run no mo').... but still - sounds pretty good to me... but what do I know? I just read about some lady in England who's running marathons at 7 months pregnant so who am I to brag?
but i can see how it's addicting.... on nights when I don't run, especially if i skip 2-3 nights in a row, I feel very anxious...
last night, mr. lost came along and we walked a longer portion than I would like and the whole time, I kept getting more and more anxious in my head... every block i kept thinking - we could have run this bit... AND this bit.... come ON! but I kept quiet because, well, I don't want to be a total pain and he doesn't often go with me anyway....
I used to run some on a treadmill, but outside is so much better... on a treadmill, the song beat needs to match my feet or else it just doesn't work - outside, I find I can run to all kinds of stuff - even slow songs.... Otis Redding or Patsy Cline....Billy Idol's great for running too...

well, we'll see how long this continues....

Tuesday May 18, 10

and a small voice said, what can we do?

08:54 AM

The Mexico trip went really well.... it made me all positive about my workplace and all that crap - yikes! what's that all about??
but yeah, the scariest part of the whole trip - not the Federal Police driving around in pickups with 6 guys with machine guns on the back, all wearing bandanas to cover their faces, helmets and bulletproof vests... the scariest part was having to don a swimsuit at the hotel pool amongst my co-workers! that's just how my brain works though...
while we were in Juarez, they had found 5 teenage bodies piled up on the side of a road, and they also discovered 4 bodies of guys who were kidnapped from a wedding... i guess last friday, gunmen burst into a church and kidnapped the groom, his uncle and two other men and they were found the following week... they ain't playing around down there...
there WAS some police action as we drove out of there - I did see one of the pickup trucks of machine gun carrying cops parked and they were walking down a side street - guns drawn - but other than that, it just looked like any other Mexican town...
and after seeing the workers in the plant, I feel a little more relaxed... I HAD felt a bit guilty - in the fact that my company uses Mexico as a means of cheap labor, but all in all, I think the job they have is decent.... my mom has worked in factories, as a machine operator, and as a cleaner/janitor here, and i feel like I would be OK with her working at our plant; it would be a better job than what she's had so far... they're just entering in numbers and scanning papers in a nice air conditioned plant... they get a free lunch, free transportation... so yeah... I feel a bit better about that whole thing... i don't know how much they're getting paid though.... I'd be curious to see if it's a livable wage...

wow - is Texas dry though..... my friend has one of them fancy iPhone thingamabobs and the temp there was 91 with a humidity of 4%.... 4%?!?! as soon as we landed back home, she informed me that the humidity was 74% - now that's more like it! :) I could almost feel the heaviness in the air - and I do prefer it...
either way - i got a bit of a tan, got to meet some people from another location as well as get to better know some people i work right next to but don't really talk to, had a lot of drinks and some nice meals courtesy of my company....
I feel so adult....

Wednesday April 28, 10

you chase in the rat race- and you always feel so hollow....

01:44 PM

I've recently learned - Pilates is not for everyone.... if you're inflexible (as I am, in body) you end up looking like a fish flung out of water while trying to follow along...
I know, I know, you're supposed to stick with it and get better, but I've been unflexible for 30 years now and my back is really straight, so I don't think I'll get flexible enough before giving up...
back to good ole running for me then.... if it would get warmer than 50 degrees here I'd be able to take it outside, which will be great....

I'm being sent to Mexico from work, which sounds like it should be lovely, and it would be, if it wasn't for the fact that my work plant is in Juarez Mexico.... Juarez, according to the guide book, is the second most dangerous city in the world, making it less safe than Mogadishu, Somalia, but a bit safer than Caracas... it's home to drug cartels who've been slaying each other for about, ever, but have *really* picked up in the last few years (yey war on drugs).... things to see? decapitated police, amputated hands being sent with notes as *warnings*, crosses set up for the hundreds of women who've been taken into the desert never to return....
just this past week 7 police officers/federal agents and a bystander were shot and killed... 9 people were shot and killed outside of a mall.... 8 people shot and killed at a bar in the city center...and 3 bodies found on the highway...

so I guess sightseeing will be off the agenda?

and I do realize that the people who *work* there have to be there every day - I mean, there are good people just trying to make a living, and they have to deal with this on a daily basis, so me being all put out by having to be there for all of one day makes me seem a bit prissy and insulated.... but still....

most of the violence there is limited to people actually involved in drugs and gangs and whatnot... hopefully violence of the "innocent bystander" variety is limited...
it's a serious situation....

and now with that crazy Arizona law just being passed, i'm sure tempers will be flared towards u.s. citizens....
that Arizona law really is ridiculous.... I'm getting sick and tired of people going on and on about 'illegals' - first off, they claim that illegals are here getting all our services.... what, pray tell, would these services be?? other than sending their kids to public schools (and many of the kids are then "legal" if they're born here - so technically, as legal children they are entitled to public school, but I digress) other than public school, what other puplic services are they getting? they ain't getting healthcare (unless you count emergency room visits, but in an emergency, no matter what your resident status is, you'll be seen, even if you're a tourist from Scotland)... they're paying taxes but not getting anything back - not getting social security after 65, not getting voting rights, so actually, it's better off for u.s. citizens right? because illegal immigrants are paying in and not getting anything back.
they pay taxes on items they purchase, and they pay payroll taxes too. if they get unemployment, it's because they've earned it, by, um, working... I don't really understand what illegal immigrants are getting that's pissing off all the old white guys...

secondly, why prosecute them? they've made it here somehow, fine... they're not 'supposed' to be here, fine.... but why are we not prosecuting those who hire illegals? the people doing the hiring are the ones breaking the law, and they are legal residents or citizens, so they should be held to a higher standard; they're the ones keeping the illegals here.... so basically, you choose to punish the little guy again, instead of going after the guy who benefits most from the cheap labor these people provide and get nothing in return for....

once the jobs disappear, the illegal immigrants will too... such a simple solution... you won't need to 'deport' anyone at all.... in fact, many of the illegal immigrants I've known over the past few years have gone back home just because the economy is so bad right now; now that the jobs dwindled they left of their own accord.... isn't that simpler than requiring everyone who has an accent or looks a certain way to carry documentation?
I really resent that.... that means that many members of my family, if we were in Arizona, could be stopped by police and detained if they didn't have the right documentation... and yet i probably wouldn't be detained at all - just because my accent is American...

Thursday March 04, 10

give up education as a bad mistake....

08:32 PM

I've been reading about the school tuition hike protests going on across america (huffingtonpost.com) and this is something I've felt passionate about.....
and I was one of the lucky ones, since I was out of school before the shrub came into office, but what happened to me was I applied and was accepted to a private university... fantastic.... I filled out all my financial aid forms and got an award letter... great....
according to said letter, despite the school tuition being HORRIBLY out of reach for my mom and me, I would get aid and grants and take out a small student loan and I would have to pay zero.... out of pocket anyway....
so I went.... I couldn't have afforded it otherwise.... plus, why go to the public college when the private one is not much more out of pocket for me personally.
sophomore year - same deal... small loan, everything else is kosher... awesome....
then came year 3 - oops - turns out, tuition's up, my loan tripled.... senior year - loan quadrupled (from the original amount I mean)

my sister D is at the same school now.... and the same situation - years 1&2 - everything's covered.... medium sized loans for her though, not my piddly ones, but still, no severe out of pocket other than books, parking, etc..... tuition's up over 10,000 *a year* from when I went there 8 years ago... junior year for D? not only were her loans huge, my mom had to pay 4,000 because the loans top off after a certain amount and tuition's up.... this last year? she's taking a huge courseload just to ensure she finishes because my mom had to pay over 7000... and when you're a senior, you can't exactly transfer so you're pretty much stuck... you've already taken all the religion classes that count for nothing elsewhere and you're already on a plan - transferring would mean making up classes and staying longer, so you suck it up and just deal with it...

my sister D was in England for a semester - people she met there - when she told them about her tuition amount, they were all, "Where the hell do you go to school?? Harvard???" because it's unreal that tuition costs $35,000 per year...

anyway - my idea? why the hell don't they lock-in tuition? when you get your first award letter as an entering freshman, THAT should be the amount you owe/borrow/pay for the next 4 years... barring any massive changes to your income/situation, you should know what the cost will be for the next 4 years.... there should be no surprises when you're 3 years into your program.... it really sucks....
anyways, good luck to all the protesting kids....

Wednesday March 03, 10

to someone... somewhere.....

06:45 PM

to someone, somewhere - I am an old retiree....
seriously, I keep getting junk mail from the AARP (that's the American Association of Retired Persons), a group of which, I believe, I might actually be a member! at 30....
they send me membership cards every so often, discount booklets, etc.

I also get a lot of junk mail for retirement communities and the like... all personally addressed to me, so it's deliberate...
today's mail? an envelope with information about "miracle ear" - the tiny hearing aid that's nearly invisible! and I got a free coupon for a hearing exam at several locations...
now I know my first name is quite popular among folks over 70 but sheesh....
interesting how market research crap works - I've actually been getting this stuff for a number of years now...
I don't know how that happened.... but maybe I should call their bluff and just apply for retirement benefits already and just hang out at home....

in other news..... there is no news....
that's good though right? no news = good news??
so there you go....

Wednesday February 10, 10

an afternoon nostalgia television show (little man what now)

02:51 PM

aaaarrrrgggggghhhhhh.....
the anxiety..... it's that usual pit in your stomach bit... the pain and gnawing when you know that stuff just ain't right.... EVERY day now.... i think it's feeding and growing in there....
should be a child doing that, at this point in my life, right? but nope - i'm pregnant with anxiety instead...
there's a poem in there somewhere...

my morning sickness is instead a hangover, from the wine I'm consuming in order to dull the pain... except that once the wine wears off, there it is again.....
but the end is nigh..... any day now, i'll be giving birth to the anxiety, the tidal wave will have passed and it'll be quick.... the due date is just about set on that one.... and I'll emerge, scarred, but whole and excited and ready to face a new chapter.
in the meantime, I can reap the benefits of anxiety, and there are some goond ones - weight loss is one.... my appetite has gone to shit... whereas before, the siren call of the work vending machine would beckon to me in the afternoon or watching a bit of tv in the evening, the fridge would call to me to snack on something, I couldn't be bothered with eating anything much at all... no dinners have been cooked in a while now....
I'm still working out too - I started back up about a month ago - so double bonus there. I'm trying to maintain my work outs in an effort to keep sane.
although I'm unable to run lately.... too many thoughts in my head for running.... running's so barren you know? you get pulled into your own head a bit.... but maybe running would be good? must remember to try it....
the work outs of course, are a bit negated by the aforementioned wine though....
oh, and then there's my good ole standby for stress - I don't know what it is about watching vintage game shows that really calms me right down....
Match Game on Game Show Network has become my go-to... but it has to be the episodes with Richard Dawson.... that, and Family Feud, also with Richard Dawson... I have no idea what it is about that man, but he calms me right down.... or maybe it's the 70's in general that are calming to me?
thank god for being able to record tv shows - I've got whole blocks of Match Game and Family Feud from the 70's.....
works every time....

Thursday December 31, 09

one for my baby, and one more for the road...(Frank Sinatra)

06:05 PM

Happy new year's to everyone....
I'm just waiting for my nails to dry, I've got a rum-cake in the oven to take with us tonight, alog with a bottle of Jack, a bottle of white, and some champagne for midnight.... we're going to our friend's house out in the suburbs...
it's kind of a low key good riddance to 2009, and from what I've heard from friends and family, it's gonna be low key for everyone.

I've got my 'new' outfit ready to put on - it's a superstition I'd been following since about 2005, you need ALL new clothes to greet the new year, and you need to wear red knickers - last year, I broke my little superstition by seeing in 2009 on the couch in (old) pajamas, and see? it was a crappy year by all accounts... sorry about that.... that was probably my fault ;) but this year, I've got it covered... everything down to my shoes.....

I kinda like everyone's rundowns of their experienes, and as I thought about it, the noughtie's were actually quite nice to me... all until 09, so that's quite all right...
in september of 99 I turned 20, and having just turned 30 a few months ago, I can safely say that my 20's were a success... not always, mind, but in general, there's a lot to be thankful for... graduating university, living on my own, then getting married, buying a condo and practically all of my travels were all done in the noughties.... a lot of good times were had.... never mind the fact that the jobs are now scarce (luckily, I still have mine) and that my condo's value halved, and all the trouble with the mom, uncle, etc... the good really does outweigh the bad....
and I *feel* a lot better now at 30 than I ever did before.... I've been physically fit for a while now, I've really pushed myself in the last few years and accomplished some things I never thought possible and been to some great places...
I have to sort of stop myself from looking at the shortcomings though - such as the fact that I very easily could have completed a master's degree in something or that I haven't really gone anywhere in my job, that I should be more 'successful' by now, oh and the nagging feeling that I haven't yet moved away from here and I've wanted to for about as long as I can remember....

well, in any event, here's to a new start....
new year's eve can be so depressing.... time to get that cork popped....



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