everybody's lost (12791)

everybody's lost
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Tuesday October 19, 10

it's over it's over it's over......... (roy orbison)

12:28 PM

I feel like writing a "year that was" entry - usually the urge hits around New Year's, but this is early... with good reason.... because the craptastic year i've had started and ended with September....
but it's over now....
and like a tornado victim, emerging from my hideout, a little shaken, a little dirty, a little lighter in possesions, I'm slowly pulling off the debris and seeing what's left....
since september of last year - mr. lost lost his job, we started the process of getting rid of our condo while it was slipping into foreclosure, my uncle died (a lot of guilt associated with that for me - not that I killed him or anything like that, but only in my being his favorite niece, and not visiting him before he died, or indeed, afterwards, going to the funeral), then my mom's accident and subsequest hospitalization and operation, all of the aftermath due to lack of insurance, throughout all of this, we never told anyone about mr. lost losing his job... not a single family member... so carrying a secret around also.... then we had a series of buyers for our condo, all the deals fraught with hope, and then ultimately, despair as each deal fell through due to x, y or z....legal questions and complications and implications.... and then finally, we found a buyer, the condo is sold, and on the last day of september, we were free (after paying out most of our savings in a settlement)....
mr lost had found a job during all of this - and now we're trying to come to terms with a spell of calm....
so, I had been far more stressed than I even let on to myself... plus I had a facade to keep up with family and friends due to my general lack of trust of anyone....
I'm still kind of lost as to what to do now - now that much of the stress is over... it's like you get used to the adrenaline of it and now are a bit empty...

apparently, I'm still a bit fragile though... we hadn't had anyone over in almost this whole year so we finally had some friends come by and visit this past weekend and all I did was drink way too much...I do believe that i was getting a bit slurry - most embarrassing..... that led to feelings of guilt the next morning, as I felt that they hadn't had a good time, while i made a fool of myself (I hadn't - I know that - because who the fuck cares if I got a bit tipsy - they were being boring) but still... can't shake that bad feeling....
I went to get a haircut and update my color and my regular girl was out so I went with someone else.... she cut in way too many layers and then when I got home, I freaked out....
my hair looked and felt SO thin....
I *had* been losing a lot of hair lately, but with the additional layers cut in, I was shocked at how thin my hair had become... I felt like all the pride I take in my hair was the reason that it's been falling out - a sort of pride before the fall... very catholic of me, I know (I still feel guilty throwing out bread - some things just stick with you).
added to this was my hangover, and the horrible feeling that people hadn't had fun, and I felt very fragile on Sunday.... I spent the rest of the day curled up on the couch....feeling sorry for myself and making myself feel sick.
rationally, I know it's going to get better and I know that the crap from last year is all over... it's just taking a while for my emotional state to recover.

I rarely dream (or rarely remember my dreams, whatever) yet in the last year, I've had about 6 dreams about my uncle... I've probably had about 15 dreams total in the last year, so it's a high percentage is all I'm saying....
either way - on my birthday, I had a dream that I was saying goodbye to my uncle... we had been in someone's living room and he was wearing a suit (like he used to do when he was flying home), and we stood up and were saying our goodbyes.... we were crying, and hugging (like we used to do when he was flying home)... he told me to remember that he's always loved me.... and then I woke up.... with this great sadness.... it was the overpowering type of sadness, the kind that one gets when someone close dies... and I fell back asleep a while later....
I haven't dreamed of him since.... and I haven't felt as sad about him since, either...
I think that was my way of saying goodbye to him... and no, I don't believe that he was "visiting me" or anything like that - I know that it's all in my head - but whatever it was, it was my own brain letting it go finally.

so here I am, with fewer possessions, less stress, and less hair....

I need a vacation....

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