get home from work.
pour glass of water.
drink half - go to change in the bedroom.
observe stomache, backside in mirror.
flex arms.
note the positives - ab definition coming through, thigh muscles visible when flexed, collar bone and ribs protruding.
note the negatives - bit of, is that cellulite??where? when I go like this.... I think that's cellulite...damn, squish remaining stomache flab with fingers, make face.... how is this possible? bones protruding in certain areas and flab in certain areas.... wtf is wrong with my body?
change into workout clothes.
walk through kitchen don't eat anything... don't you even think about eating yet....
stretch in front of tv.
turn on menu and scroll down to 'Incredible Abs' with Cindy.... Cindy DOES have incredible abs, doesn't she?
Cindy's abs look like a man's abs.... yeah, they ARE a bit much....
strap on 5 pounds of weights onto each ankle....
commence 24 minutes of ab work.....
face other direction - Cindy's not really necessary anymore, just need to hear her.
curse at Cindy.....
finish with bicycle crunches writhing around on the floor.
hey - look at how sweaty I've gotten!
drink other half of water.
go back to the menu - depending on the day - choose either 'Arms of Envy' or 'Buns of Envy'
what are these girls, like 12??
the girls look 12 - they're wearing skimpy outfits and they're out on a beach....
oh who cares? they look good though.... just do it
20 minutes with the girls who look 12.
more sweat.
they're not even telling you what the proper form is....
decide that the 'Envy' workouts are kinda stupid, but do them anyway.
if energy permits, pick one or two 10 minute routines 'targeting female trouble spots'....
done.
feel great.
grab iPod and flip the TV to Game Show Network....
the best shows for the next portion are either gameshows or poker.....
turn on captions.
take off 5 pound ankle weights and get on the treadmill.
sensory depravation feels dizzying - reading captions, listening to iPod and running/walking.
skip through songs on iPod and look for the club-y euro-y stuff downloaded for working out.
alternate - run one song, walk one song.
you have to do at least 30 minutes..... at least......
keep increasing incline during walk/speed during run.
watch the timer...
come on - you have to do AT LEAST 30 - don't even bother looking until it gets to 30
watch game show...
Argentina!

....

wicker!

....

don't call! fold!!

check timer on treadmill...
hey look at that - 34 minutes already....
yell at self in head and convince self to do one more walking song and one more running song....
seriously, that's like 10 minutes..... you can totally do 10 minutes.....
dream of protein shake.....
bargain with self, using both realistic goals:
if you do this for one month - one month at least - that last bit of flab will be gone! the end of this summer, you'll be 29 (that's almost 30 you know).... do you want another year to pass with a flabby tummy?
to the completely out-there:
if you don't run for one more song.... er... an earthquake will hit and destroy the whole world!!
sometimes this works, sometimes this doesn't.....
who CARES about a bit of flab? everybody says you're thin anyways!! you can just stop now - you've done enough
who cares?? YOU do...you want to hide on the beach or just enjoy yourself? shut up and run!
why don't you just learn to enjoy yourself as you are?
why don't you just shut up and run??
you've been working out for years now.... that last bit is never coming off you know.....

finally, completely red faced, cool down on treadmill....
turn off treadmill and make a double protein shake - 2 scoops, 2 cups of milk.....
mmmmmmm.....
it's like ice-cream......
kinda......
and stop thinking about ice-cream for the love of god!