ehhh... i ditched class today. i decided to check out a "teach in" being held in the amphitheater concerning 9/11's attack. quite interesting. i'm glad to find other ways of becoming aware of what happened, so easily available to me. plenty of flyers passed out today. i thought they were all just newsletters about the attack until this guy in a Lenin/Marx t-shirt gave me a flyer "What is Socialism?". that's when i said i should've brought my Oct. 22nd coalition flyers in. But someone alreay beat me to it! at least someone's reperesenting...

today, fortunately, was a brighter day. i woke up bright and early to start a lesson in my new car. luckily, i'm slowly but steadily getting the hang of it. i was also able to go a while without the car abruptly turning off on me. i'm getting the hang of the second gear thing too. soon enough, i'll be able to drive myslf around this idiotic town filled with nationalist, philistine fucks (i don't need an american flag to feel love and empathy for my fellow man). i also ran a few errands with my old man, with a pit stop to the library. i finished "a clockwork orange" today and i checked out "naked lunch" from the library, so that'll keep me going for a few more days. class was pretty boring, but oh well. i was even able to get the homework i didn't do last night done today, and then some... i felt damn good today. just walking along my campus i couldn't help but just feel good. my mom just told me that my ex-girlfriend is working at the fast-food place around the corner, and not even that got me down! my mom and i just shared a good laugh. i'm glad i was able to get myself out of such a ridiculously strenuous relationship. anyway, hopefully these happier days will continue...

one more thing, if you read this before i speak to you... i was thinking of you today linda :•)

i woke up feeling kind of shitty today. it's hard for me to describe. i just woke up and watched television feeling completely numb. that feeling followed me throughout the entire day. taking a shower, picking up my new glasses from the optometrist, sitting in class, and driving home. i tried doing my homework but i can't seem to focus, all i wanted to do is sleep, but i know when i lie down i wouldn't be able to sleep. this sucks. i spoke with linda last night and felt quite embarassed. i had no clue other people could actually read your journals. she read what i wrote about her and got kind of quiet. she has some problems she has to deal with right now and i can't help but feel as if i'm not helping. as if i'm just some kid that's bugging her. i'm not blaming her for todays crappy emotions but i have to admit that i felt a little dumped or rejected after she told me that we should slow down. i guess i just got a bit ahead of myself, in no way is it her fault, i guess i should've known better. i won't deny that still like her, i do. but i just thought that something nice was going to start. i am glad though that she told me these things before i made some kind of a move. **sigh...

i have a car! finally... i got it on tuesday and i can't wait to learn how to drive a stick-shift. i took it out today with my dad. he's teaching me. we went to a parking lot and i spent my afternoon doing donuts and changing gears. well, i suck. i've mastered getting the car in motion, but changing to second gear is a bitch. don't get me wrong, i can change it. but sometimes i forget to get my foot off the clutch or maybe i let go of the clutch too fast which stops the car completely. i just hope that i'll be able to drive on my own buy the time i turn eighteen next month. then i can take out linda :•9

later that night a spoke with her on the phone. she told me that she was happy with the day. she liked that i didn't try to get her into bed or was some sort of psycho. i'm not sure but i think she said that she liked what she saw. i'm pretty much convinced that she likes me. she actually told me that was adorable over the phone, of course i liked that. but what made it even better was she said it because of the things i was saying, my words, me. she put me on hold and commented to her sister in a giddy voice "he's sooo cute!", of course i was smiling and continued to listen, i also heard some giggly voices in the background, but i didn't know what the words were. right now as i think about this deeper and deeper, i can't help but get into her even more.

i just met this girl yesterday. i've been talking to her online and over the phone for a few weeks now and since we live so close to eachother we decided to go ahead and meet eachother. we had grown feelings towards eachother while talking over the phone. well, not necessarily feelings but interest. neither of us are looking for anything serious. so why not at least meet eachother see what happens... her names linda and i can't help but feel attracted to her, especially after i met her (man, she has these luscious lips). she's considerably older than me, so of course that made me more nervous than anything else. i'm only 17 and have only been with girls my age. she's 22. as i anticipated meeting her, i wondered what it would've been like. at first i didn't think any thing of her age, but as soon as i layed my eyes on her, i realized the age difference. i immediately became nervous and felt slightly awkward, wondering if she's expecting something from me or am i just doing something wrong. i noticed her being nervous too, but i think she quickly relaxed when i told her how nervous i was. she told me not to be, but i explained to her why i was nervous and she understood. we came to my house and watched some Morrissey vid's as she looked at my Scrapbook and family pictures. i was still nervous but i tried to relax by listening to the music and being a little courageous by getting closer to her. we spoke about this moment later that night on the phone and she told me that she was expecting me to make a move, even though i wasn't. i walked her home after about an hour and simply enjoyed her company. as i left her at the streelight, i looked back, she did too, then we kept walking, and both of us looked back again. half-way home, i realized that this was the girl who told me the other night that she actually missed me. i did want to kiss her, but felt that it might've been too soon, but when i rememberd what she told me that other night, i felt that i should've made that move.