Oye Pele!

It's true, the realization I'm not a very good soccer player anymore cuffed me rather rudely, as I stood hunched, with hands on knees, gasping for beautiful air. For sure, after having given up the ball to a younger, far quicker player I looked at my watch to realize that we were only 10 minutes into the game against the bloody Girl Guides and we had already allowed for them to score on us twice! *rolls eyes* Oh, good heavens, you gullible little things... you were actually beginning to believe that load of bullocks, weren't you? Bloody hell... I'm not quite that feeble just yet! My word, give me some credit there, wont you? I mean really, if you must know the full and complete story, well... we only allowed for one goal during that time!

Okay, so that's obviously not exactly how Sunday evening went (we certainly were NOT schooled by a posse of tiny young girls with ponytails selling cookies) but seriously, I did become painfully aware of my biological mellowing and subsequently, I've come to realize I'm most definitely no longer early twenties.

Anyway, I suppose what I'm trying to say is that at the end of the day I need to exercise my gym membership a slight bit more so than I have done these last few months. Golfing, sailing, playing cards around a case of Keiths... these are NOT sports, they're pastimes. For sure, I was only fooling myself -- my out of date, bent-with-age lazy-ass self -- in believing otherwise. Oh beyond doubt, Sunday's soccer match between us and the Dundas lads made quick trash of any lingering falsehoods I may have had regarding the difference between relaxing with a beer on a boat and ball-busting physical pain. Indeed, if anything, this weekend awoke me to realize that I'll never, ever be physically young again. 33, not an age I'd like to be, but this is where we're at and pathetically, as a result, I've become a rather moth-eaten, miserable old nut amid dementia and, with ribbon candy in hand for ya! Stylin!

Oh pass me my slippers,

Haze

~~~~~

On Shores Unsound

Dearest love,

This was to be expected, as surely, I'd have been an even greater fool had I actually believed that finally, someone truly wanted me, once amid the sorrow of the ghost breathing inside this body. So please, do know that I completely understand and you're not crazy ~ you are not a bad person. You're simply someone wanting more out of a relationship than I can seemingly ever possibly offer. Yes and I apologize - in the same fashion I've apologized a thousand times before - for leading you to believe I could ever be something more than what I am, which is an entity unable to properly function, let alone love in an understanding fashion. My exteriors and first impressions dictated differently, I know, but as you can plainly see, I'm not worthy of anything other than viewing healthy, productive relationships from the safety of my armchair, unfortunately.

Girlfriend lost, please know that I wish you all the best. Understand that I don't begrudge you - sweetness, how could I possibly? You needing to move on and away is a story I'm utterly accustomed to. It's an antiquated tale, and it kills, yet time and time again I fall impulsively into relationships I know in my heart are doomed. I lie to myself. I make myself believe that things may actually be different knowing full well that they never will be. I fabricate to myself and to you inadvertently because inherently, I need to love and to be loved, just like the rest of humanity.

Last year, when I telephoned you, drunk and in Atlanta, I told you we were on our way towards something beautiful, something lasting. I made myself believe this and, as the words fell out of my mouth I could almost see the smile on your face. I SO wanted what I was spewing to be true, even though subconsciously I had already begun to sabotage. Blame my inability to view myself someone worthy of love, or as someone afraid of what a successful relationship entails. Blame me a thousand different ways, so long as you do come to realize that I never, ever intentionally meant to hurt you, and that I'm not a bad person.

Sweetness, you will continue on and in time you'll love again. You will have children with a charming, loving man. In time, you'll forget everything about me, including my name, which you presently curse. All that is synonymous with this emotionally erroneous pile of trash will fade from the forefront - you simply must believe this. Yes and darling girl, the world will once again seem a beautiful place when scanned by your stunning eyes. Oh and all the warmth you thought you had found in my arms will be there for you in his. I know this, and I hope it all rings true for you sooner rather than later. You don't deserve to feel as I do -- it kills me to think of the grief I've caused.

It's all over was written all over

  what lipstick and eyeliner could never, ever possibly better...

Coming back from the United States that particular time last year, after having telephoned you expressing my desire to move us forward, reality began to sink in. We as "us"had ended, even though we'd only just begun exploring the possibilities. When I returned home, we went for drinks and dinner down by the lake. Oh and if you remember, it was there where you saw the dispirited energy lingering about, deep within my eyes. You took the initiative. Apparently, you realized I could never offer you stability.Yes, you were aware of this and also knew that my continuos travelling and subsequent romance with coasting the waves of time in the most extreme fashion was simply too much for you. By dinner's end it was over. I drove you home and we promised to remain friends. I've not seen or heard from you since.

Darling girl, I truly do hope you're well and as always, I'm sorry for everything. Truly, I don't know why I even bother chasing intimacy, as it's obviously SO not meant for me. I'm toxic. I should never get involved. Beyond doubt, I should remain forever alone.

Since you, there have been two others. Both lasted briefly and both moved on, once painfully aware of the fact that I'm not of much use whatsoever, once glasses empty and the party subsides. Such redundancy...it truly is criminal, don't you think? Oh, and I wish I could tell you differently. I wish that I could tell you my personal boundaries have broadened and that since our end, everything has changed - I've become complete. Unfortunately this is not the case. Nothing has changed. I'm as I always was and it's straining, draining stuff but an individual utterly undone is sadly what I was built to be, and, what I've faithfully become.

I miss you. I still desire you as well, but I'll never, ever send this letter off to you because it would be cruel and unfair to ruin your present with unnecessary thoughts of me and where I unintentionally took you. That said, I do indeed feel better having typed this all up though. Yes, I feel slightly less distressed than I did prior to venting. Still though, the pain over losing you still lingers heavily and sadly, our journey together will forever live with me, reminding me, continuously, of just how detached I'll forever be, from a beautifully deep, much needed intimacy.

...and so, summer is slowly slipping away, once more. The mornings are not quite as hot as they were a mere month ago (though the days are just as searing) and ever so gently, that crisp autumnal air forever associated with the start of the new school year is blowing its way into the days. Within the month, it will feel like Fall, a season with which I have a rather beautiful connection, and, a season littered with memories of you. On that, this is just the beginning of what will undoubtedly be my fall, this particular autumn.

Oh I'd give anything to be in my twenties again, drunk and in Barcelona again.

Anyway, if you see me in a new car next spring, please.. don't key the paint!

I'll think of you when I'm sailing,

Haze

~~~~~

Annihilation Looms

Reflecting back over a brief trip to Washington D.C last autumn I've been seriously pondering what was discussed between a gentleman of high rank in the U.S military and myself. See, over drinks in the Hotel Carlisle lounge/bar we chatted, and recalling what was said, I can't help but wonder whether or not humanity will survive to see 2020 because seemingly, we're utterly doomed.

Yes beyond doubt, collectively, we're SO very, terribly far away from a conscious contact with all that is ethereal and in my opinion, this harsh fact is simply suicide in slow-mo. I mean really, just take a look at where were at, presently.

Air raid alerts roar throughout Lebanese municipalities at the same time CNN broadcasters show footage of bunker buster bombs blotting out terrorist camps in Afghan regions desperate and desolate. This, as reports the U.K raised its security concerns to heights unseen since the end of the 2nd World War, and, the Shanghai Co-Operative Organization (SCO) - which is fast becoming a rival to NATO - ponders placing Iran alongside China and Russia as a full on member nation. Seriously, what's happening with us? Israel is amid its most devastating military conflict in 30 years, some analysts even predicting it the 1st battle in the 3rd World War, and London's Heathrow was all but shut down after a sweeping terrorist plot was squashed - ten planes were to be destroyed mid-air? Hell, even Oliver Stone and that awful actor, Nick Cage, are attempting cashing in on the sociological wounds rooted in the ruble of 9/11 with the release of their film World Trade Center for Christ's sake. I mean really, collectively, we're quickly racing our way towards the end of civilization as we know it, and sadly, none of the people able to avoid this dark reality seem to want to change humanity's course.

So the icecaps will continue to melt and people will sit on the sidelines cheering on either Arab terrorists or Israel - not realizing both sides are wrong. Still others will tune into FOX News and ignorantly ponder whether America will invade Cuba in the face of Castro's ill health. Indeed, with a cushion under duff and cookie crumbs about laps our kind will perish before our very own eyes. Yes and we'll end up watching it all, from the comfort of our living rooms, on big screen televisions. Sadly, we'll all be stars in the worst of bad reality T.V shows. It's true, and pathetically, nations and corporations will carry on, donning their tired old ways by raising gas prices and fattening wallets, securing their futures economically as environmentally, spiritually and even physically we collectively continue to die.

We won't be able to continue on much longer - something will happen, either atmospherically through global warming, or militarily. Either way, we're going to redefine catastrophic. I mean really, this "wacky" weather we're all soaking up, do you think its something that will pass; that these last few years have been strange for some unknown reason? If so, you're sickeningly ill informed. Summer weather has changed forever. The nasty, sticky heat that almost cooks the skin is a direct result of industry destroying our surroundings and it's only going to get hotter and hotter to the point where we'll be dropping like flies. Each year, the earth's temperature will continue to climb and the Ozone layer will wear thinner and thinner. Seriously, and this isn't a prediction, it's a reality. The earth is already a few degrees warmer than it should be and consequently, some life forms have had to pay the ultimate price. So yeah, existence will be hellish within a mere 10-15 years, if we even survive another 15 years. Seriously, something must been done NOW, if we want to live on. Oh we may have caused irreparable damage to our beloved earth, but that doesn't mean we have to make things even worse, does it?

Yes and these bloody wars... if we don't stop and realize that we need to learn how to practice patience and tolerance, the gun will kill us before the sun.

So yeah, to summarize, in the three decades that I've resided on this blue dot I don't think that the world has ever been as unstable as it is presently. Truly, even September 11th 2001, though it was indeed a new chapter horrifically spawned, wasn't quite as frightening a time as present, on an international level. Perhaps this is because since then, not only have the events of that sad day been etched into our collective conscience, but also, so too has everything else that has happened since. Indeed, another half decade since 9/11 of wars and death... well, it makes for a poisonous mix.

Thoughts to save our lives:

We need to learn that we're all in this together; that everyone is part of everything and that everything is simply one.

Done.

http://www.myspace.com/deathwrites

I’ve lived my entire life feeling either better than or worse than everyone else. Indeed, until just very recently I’ve never, ever perceived myself at par with the general populace. On subway platforms and grocery stores, wherever, I’ve drifted through life an outsider, but with conviction I can honestly say not for a moment longer. Something has changed over the last while. Something has touched me very deeply on levels within me I’d never before even known existed. It’s very strange and as a direct result of these emotions cementing onto me spiritually, phantasmal cries for an existence filled with something more than gloom, isolation and a subscription to “Monkeys on Ice” can no longer be muted. Undeniably, I feel so very much a part of everything.

It’s funny, lately I’ve been thinking of what my father once told me after having discussed spirituality with him. He told me that we are all separate waves, but spawned from a single sea. Such a beautiful analogy, and a lovely way to view existence and how everything is interconnected. Truly, I love that man.

Regardless, these last few weeks have opened my eyes. A death in the family and subsequent realization that life is beautiful -- albeit brief -- has gotten me thinking outside of realms I’ve been accustomed to. In short, I’ve come to realize that I was living a life ill. My designs centered around focusing on tomorrows that never once materialized as planned and, consequently, the present always slipped away without observation. Last year I was absorbed in intellectualizing the power of the Now and simply understanding its importance on a psychological level. Adversely, this year I feel its importance on an emotional one. Patience is key. Taking time to inhale atmospheric splendor and realizing that 95% of worries never come to pass are inspiring designs for life, and believe me, when burying a family member an awesome awareness of one’s own mortality can take over, leaving one pondering his or her own motives in life. Sad to realize it takes death to appreciate life, but no-one ever said that this existence was skittles and sunshine all the time.

But yeah, so much time has been spent spinning over lost causes, wallowing in self-pity and intoxicating to numb. So much time has been lost fighting struggles unnecessarily spawned. Indeed, I’ve oft sat listless as days, months and even years pass by and it’s frightening to think, but I’m not alone. Most people view life through the windows of a mental slammer. As a result, most people inevitably reflect from the deathbed stunned, wondering how the hell they went from wide-eyed and youthful to disenfranchised dinosaurs. Just a few blinks and our time on earth is done. We perish. Father Time waits for not a single soul.

When I was younger I used to think that material possessions were the proper measure of true happiness. I used to think that the more toys one had the more contented they must be. Subsequently, I worked towards achieving material wealth. Oh it took some time mind you, but I did eventually find myself on a road leading to a point in my life where cash for anything I could ever possibly want would simply not be an issue. Truly, with what I’ve been doing, if I continue on and invest properly, I could retire extremely well off. But with that said, none of any of it has made me very happy. All the travelling and all the partying - it hasn’t filled the void within. So yeah, that road... well, I’ve pulled off and into a rest area. I need a break from obsessing about all the wrong things. Really, what am I rushing to attain? I mean, if nothing that I’ve been doing up to present has made me truly happy, why should I continue plowing forward? In short I shouldn’t, so I won’t. I won’t run the risk of suffering a nervous breakdown or an exploded ulcer over a few dollars. Money will always be there for the taking, so why should I rush forward and miss the present in my pursuit of some pathetic, erroneous future? Oh beyond doubt financial freedom will surely come, but what good will it be to me if I’m amid some deep depression, and unable to look at my own reflection?

That all said, with a burial summer has announced itself in full swing and with that, thoughts of events earlier this year in America have begun to diminish in importance. Some things just aren’t worth the Niagara. I’ve my health and a promising future, so why should I dwell on all that can’t be changed? Why should I bother the mind with troublesome chatter that does nothing but deprive the essence of the beauty in the immediate?

Ah selflessness… there’s a beautiful paradox to that. By soaking up surroundings, becoming a better listener, more compassionate friend and all that jazz, one will find oneself getting outside themselves and subsequently they'll be beside themselves because without knowing it they'll of bettered themselves! Huh? Nevermind.

So right, I need to take some time to work on myself. I need to step outside of my old ways. The Dominican Republic vacation just recently taken did nothing to nourish the soul; it simply catered to my appetite for hedonistic absurdity. Oh yeah it’s totally fair to say that in this life I’ve been searching in all the wrong places for all the wrong things. Time for a change. Indeed, when looking at the larger picture one can clearly see that life is simply too precious to toss away concentrating on things that truly don’t matter.

Done.

The malady lingers,

Sullen

As I’ll be out of the city tending to matters rather urgent come July 1st (Canada Day), I thought I’d take a moment to hype my nation prior to its birthday…

Metric, Arcade Fire, the Organ, the Dears, Broken Social Scene and the Stills... Canadian music!

Universal healthcare, freedom of speech, bilingualism, same sex marriages and legalized pot… Canadian ideals!

Toronto, the most multi-cultural metropolis on the planet and home to the tallest tower on earth, the 3rd largest theatre district in the English speaking world and voted the cleanest, safest major urban centre on the planet… a Canadian city!

The telephone, penicillin, the zipper, Superman, basketball, hockey, Greenpeace, and Moosehead beer… Canadian creations!

Morrissey-Solo users Redpathetic, Lucretia, Goddess1, Haze/Sullen and many, many others… Canadian residents!

Donald Sutherland, Kiefer Sutherland, Norm MacDonald, Phil Hartman, Mike Myers, James Cameron, David Cronenberg, Lorne Michaels, Joni Mitchell, Oscar Peterson, Keanu Reeves and thousands more... Canadian entertainers!

Douglas Coupland, Eckhart Tolle, Ernest Hemmingway... authors inspired by their Canadian surroundings!

Niagara Falls, the Rocky Mountains and the hot, cactus infested desert regions of Osoyoos… Canadian tourist destinations!

More oil than Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq and Kuwait put together, more fresh water than the rest of the planet combined, millions and millions of acres of trees and the largest coastline in the world… Canadian resources!

Liberating the Netherlands from the Nazis, freeing American hostages from Iranian terrorists, creators of the U.N Peace Keeping forces… Canadian backbone!

Dismantling ourselves of the world’s 2nd largest navy following the end of WWII… Canadian humility!

Living a prosperous existence without flaunting our overall wealth in the most confrontational of ways… Canadian style!

Indeed Canada, the second largest country on earth, is a place we all love and cherish and, dare I say, if the rest world’s nations were more like Canada we’d be living in a far more tolerable, fashionable, peace loving world.

Happy Canada Day,

Sullen

Summers are certainly not what they used to be. Truly, in the blink of an eye July afternoons cooling on a “Slip n’ Slide” made way for August evenings on patios stagnating in redundant rave beats. Gucci, Ecstasy and self-imposed misery buried beauty once so very easily found in blue skies and butterflies. Indeed, as the years pulsed on something, somewhere went horribly wrong.

Oh t’is true that beyond doubt we become bitter old leather-skinners far before nature plans. We cloak ourselves in unnecessary chaos by looping into a ceaseless circle run catering to the disgustingly abstract. We do this to ourselves on a daily basis and we do it all without rhyme or reason. Oh and honestly, it's rather pathetic and it’s only when viewing children smiling whilst sipping lemonade that we, as adults, can see - rather harshly - just how terribly detached from our inherent spirituality we truly are. This realization… well it pummels the soul as it taxes the heart. It leaves me looking into the mirror wondering where the years went, and, if I’ll ever again be capable of cushioning the inner poltergeist in simple, healthy pleasures. Sandcastles and candy floss… how I dearly miss being able to enjoy the untainted.

Summers... they used to last forever and I swear, lately they come and leave so very quickly. They never last but equally, they never go away for very long either. There’s no great, romantic lead up to the season anymore and as we get crunched for time we simply say that we’ve next summer to get what we didn’t get this summer. We take the season – and indeed our lives – for granted with age, which is simply criminal.

On a seperate note~

I can hardly wait until England takes out Portugal. Not so much because I want England to win but because Portugal should NOT have won against the Netherlands. Furthermore, absolutely no group of fans holler over wins as loudly and obnoxiously as those horn honking, flag waving, Grand Banks fish filchers. So right, when the English win I'll take an English flag in one hand, a baseball bat in the other and simply walk my way into areas where Portugal is popular just praying someone steps.

Well, alright... either that or I'll drive by said areas really, really quickly shouting "You suck!", or something like that. We'll see. My alcohol intake that day will be a deciding factor.

Germany will win the World Cup,

Sullen

This world is becoming increasingly precarious and as our fraternity of ravenous, contentious counties here in the West continue to crumble from the inside out, we can all expect to see an increase in hostilities towards other nations, as well as towards one another. Truly, as our health care systems diminish, schools decay and optimistic dreams for tomorrow become overshadowed by our nightmares today, it’s completely safe to assume that as we’ve passed our best-before-date without having acknowledged it, our fearful populace will, indeed, be taken from the throne kicking and screaming. Such a miserable realization it truly is to have to come to but we, as a society, are apparently not going to leave top place gracefully.

This truth and the procession of problems that follow are rather obvious in the way that we are dealing with other regions, specifically with Asia and the Middle East. It’s obvious on the streets of our cities, where drugs and violence have increased alongside poverty. It’s obvious when looking at the widening gap between rich and poor and the dwindling middle class. Our crashing from the heavens is obvious almost everywhere we look, if one does indeed choose to look. Ah, but you see, there in lies the problem. We refuse to acknowledge. We don’t want to see just how badly the tides have turned. We don’t want to accept that it’ll never, ever be as good as it once was for us and that in essence, as each and every single day passes, we’re losing that much more of what once was. Like a mind shutting out memories leading up to a horrific car crash or a drunken tool drinking to numb feelings, we’re in serious denial.

Granted, we’re not nearly as crippled as places like the Dominican Republic, but we are heading towards a very frightening fall and, dare I say, in some ways it’s a far worse scenario than what those poor souls in 3rd world nations are presently amid. Far worse if only because unlike them, we’ve had a taste of the good life and will die before forfeiting any of it.

Led by American military power, I dread us spiraling further into ruin by attacking anything and everything like a paranoid crack addicted cat monstering the streets, afraid of his own shadow. We think we’re unattractive to those who deem us unpredictable now? Dear lord, we’ve not seen anything yet. Seriously, just wait and see how bad I fear it will inevitably be.

Even nations ambling about feeling as though they’re without sin and therefore loved by all are hated by many, and hated by many in their own country. Canada is the perfect example. Take the plots thwarted by the RCMP last week. We in Canada were shocked and horrified having to come to the realization that we’d somehow spawned a group of people wanting to jolt our collective conscience out of the naive natatorium we’d been floating about in. Beheading the Prime Minister, bombing Toronto subways and destroying the CN Tower for 6 o’clock eye candy were just some of the terrifying scenarios being planned out by these fanatics with Canadian birth certificates. We were appalled to say the least and simply couldn’t understand how it came to this. Hmmm… could having our troops in Afghanistan have anything to do with it? Something to think about.

Everything is changing. Power is shifting and the environment is worsening. The planet is warming and subsequently the icecaps are melting. We’re nearing end times and truly, it’s no kind of fun to be all too aware of what’s happening. If truth be known at times I envy those walking about sporting hockey helmets and slip-on sneakers, for they represent the masses and blissful ignorance far more so than I could ever dream.

Sightless society snuffers please perish,

Sullen

Ah, to mute incessant streams of compulsive thinking via whiskey sours...

Having had more than our fair share of drinks at Playa Naco we surfed the sea of lunacy ever so naturally and ultimately, we mutually decided it best to taxi ourselves into Puerto Plata, where loads of silliness quickly ensued.

Wanting to gel with the locals we requested we be dropped at a local dive. Of course, everything was utterly rundown so finding a dive was easier than leveling France. Seriously, poverty, in all its forms, was omni-present and if truth be known this surprised me to an extent as for some reason or another I truly didn't think that it would be as bad as it was. Really, I'd actually imagined it to be slightly less desperate than the streets of Cuba - where I'd initially intended on vacationing - but it wasn't. it was just as unsettling. Even the street cats, strange dogs and ugly-as-sin donkeys looked deathly ill. That said, we -- two drunken, wide-eyed upstarts from 1st world nations -- were off and into the depths of ghettos gutted of everything but despair. Oh yeah there we were, even though we weren't all there. Brilliant.

Sloshed, we approached the entrance to this nasty little shack awash in the funk of failure (even by Dominican standards) and, once inside, we took our seats and ordered up our drinks. The lights dimmed. As we sat sipping cervezas and inhaling our surroundings music began pumping and to my surprise, off in the distance, what appeared to be a be-seizured monkey started twisting about violently on the floor, and on all fours. I went to investigate. "Cerveza! Cerveza! Uno cerveza!" the creature shouted as it covered it's face, but not its orangutang-esque boobs. Oh crap(!) I thought... we were in the Dominican Republic's most disgusting strip club! Cursed taxi driver!

Anyway, I returned with the beer that the beast was so loud about wanting and when I did, she turned to me and sported what can only be discribed as an orthodontist's worst nightmare.

Teeth! Bloody hell did this poor creature ever have 'em! Broken, out, sideways, brown, bloody, yellow, short, long... it was traumatizing! Anyway, quickly, I rushed back to the table where we were sat and explained what had happened to the tourist girl that had come with me. So of course, tourist girl went up, became hip to the sitch herself, returned to our table trying not to laugh and said: "Yeah, okay... good luck with that one buddy!" tapped me on the shoulder and headed towards the restroom. Nice. So there I sat for what seemed like an eternity before the tourist from Tulsa returned from the ladies room.

Yes, there I sat. Paralyzed by mental images and wondering how on earth I was ever going to return to normal after having witnessed teethzilla, I convinced myself to drink another two or three drinks. Yes, that was the solution and of course, when talking to yourself drunk, you're ultimately taking council from a madman but that mattered little to me at the time as all I wanted to do was forget. Get right smashed and forget. Obviously, as I'm typing up my account of the evening, forgetting via drinks didn't quite work. Pity.

The evening progressed and we eventually made our way back to our resort, which was just outside the ever so colourful inner-city. On route, we talked rather vividly about the evening we'd just experienced. The slum mums, drinks and shuddersome peelers were all banter for the boulevard. Anyway, we eventually said our good nights and I walked back to my room and went to bed. Yes, and as I attempted falling asleep I thought for a moment and realized something mildly interesting. See, I'd concluded that despite everything we'd done, it was still rather early and more importantly, it was the first night since touching down on the island a few days prior that I'd actually crashed before sunrise.

Such a brilliant time.

Netherlands will take the World Cup,

Sullen

Psychological complexities... I swear, they continue to further fog my ability to see beauty in its simplicity and because of this, I've rather suddenly deemed it necessary to fly my way down to Cuba. Truly, I need to step outside the quandaries. Yes, I need to leave where I'm at in order to know exactly where I am, if that makes any sense what-so-ever.

Under a glorious Castroian sky...

The mere thought of sauntering the sands and slurring words after having downed a few at an old Hemingway haunt is just... well, it's simply perfect! This is why I'll most probably dash down within the next few weeks, as this trip may very well end up saving my life.

Indeed, I told myself long ago that if I die drowning in an ocean of what-if-I'd-done's I'll of undoubtedly perished an extremely empty man. So that said, if something brilliant presents itself, why shouldn't I embrace it? Truly, I must craft my destiny here and now!

Oh and dearest Goddess1,

Such a persistent girl you truly are! Anyway, you're lucky you've a rather intriguing user name, as I rarely read other journals. Regardless, after having read your comment in 'Smiths' journal I think I know who you are. Did we have drinks poolside atop a downtown Toronto hotel last July? Either way, contact me at [email protected]. I'll be back in Toronto by early June before heading to Cuba.

Dreaming I'm sleeping,

Haze

Oh and the architecture...well, it's acned with plywood, where once there was glass. This town is a comedown; a nation's black eye. I miss Toronto.

So I sat in the club alone. Tormented by my thoughts and sickened by my own hideous reflection I sat alone and I observed in silence. As the music pulsed on, those with booming voices tried to out-boom eachother and with every tilt of the glass I swear, those loud and obnoxious cats got further and further under my skin. Oh but you know, not for a single second did leaving the damn place even enter my mind, and I know exactly why. In short, it's because people are simply fascinatingly vile.

So alone in a corner I sat as cork-popping, collar-snapping clowns with lustful eyes clocked the numerous, sexy frames they wanted to climb. Tripped-out on coke, ecstacy, alcohol and a blindness to melting icecaps these intoxicated hedonists were seemingly rather happy, hopping about like fools with fucking on their minds as I... well, I couldn't get into any of it the way I once could. Seriously, I don't understand how to have a good time these days and further more if I did, there's absolutely no-one on this earth I feel emotionally sound around because everyone in my life books, once laughter fades and sadness grows. No-one has ever wanted the full package.

Truly, people only want to be near when one is completely and utterly laundered of negativity. Depression is a lonely road -- no-one wants a part of it.

So Saturday evening turned into Sunday morning and as misery bursting auras continued to hoof it on the dancefloor I realized that now more than ever, I need to be around alot of people in order to fully understand just how distant from them all I truly am.

Knockin' boots is oft over-rated,

Haze

Thus far this year has been utterly soul sapping and as the first 1/3 of it sinks into a remote mist I've come to realize that if next few months snuff my drive in the same cruel fashion the last few have... well, let's just say that I'll undoubtedly become malodorous, toe-tagged worm food by autumn.

Such a lonely, miserable year.