Spinster (2887)

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"I've been beat up. I've been thrown out. But i'm not down. I'm not down. I've been shown up, but I've grown up (not really), and i'm not down, i'm not down.."

Journal of Spinster (2887)

Monday December 20, 10


08:30 PM

So, the holidays of Christmas and New Years are merely days away. A whole year has almost passed by in the blink of an eye...and what have i done?? I swear, the year to me has passed by to me in what seems to be timewise about six months, yet it's been a year.

Guess this is what happens when you get older...the old analogous toilet paper roll running out of paper the closer it gets to the end...of the toilet paper roll, that is..and i suppose the other end too, if you wanna be pervy about it.

To get back to why i titled this journal the way i did...my best friend's mother is very sick with pnemonia right now. She's been prescribed all sorts of antibiotics. If she doesn't respond to this latest round, she may die. My friend asked me to call her today...i tried..her mom didn't answer. It's one of the most difficult phone calls i will ever have to make...to someone who may be dying. When my own father was dying, i didn't know how the hell to react.

One of the most horrible things to endure in life is to watch someone die while you are in horror of their pain, and then feeling a sense of relief after they have passed on. Not that you're glad that they're dead, but relieved that they are not suffering any longer.

But yet you still feel a tiny bit guilty for wishing them death over excruciating pain. It's really difficult to describe.

Merry Christmas and Love you, Dad.

Saturday December 11, 10

Just Write

08:23 PM

Okay, there are a plethora of subjects occupying my mind tonight. So when i logged onto the internet a few minutes ago, i did my best not to log onto facebook or read any of the comments on the main page of Moz-Solo, so that i could arrive here to the journal section and journal my little heart out.

And i did it! Yay!

So, here goes nothing:

Working a retail job this "holiday" season (can't say Christmas, or else someone may have a stroke). I've done so before, but the hours being assigned this year have been the worst than they've ever been. There are literally less than seven hours between shifts on some days. In the past, management were able and willing to accomodate you and adjust your work schedule so it would be more bearable to work these crazy shifts. Not so much these days. You bring this subject to their attention and they pretty much shrug their shoulders and say; "you're on your own, kid".

The economy is still in pathetic shape, although the media keeps saying it's getting better (um...better for whom????). Yeah, so. Things seem so bad job wise...and not just my own experience, but that of those around me...that i wonder if our society (yes, the US) will resort to Dickensenian (sp) type of working conditions. And also, to be frank...that of Western Europe. Seems as if everyone's broke...Ireland, Spain, Greece...where has the money gone?? And the US is in debt in a ridiculous amount of money...where has all the money from all these countries gone?? Don't tell me China?!?! Well, i've probably answered my own question.

So what spurned this journal entry is: a friend of mine who i've known for 25 years recently attained her Master's degree in education. She was having a celebration tonight...i told her i would attend...i was very much looking forward to going and seeing her and stuff. Unfortunately, emotional, physical, and mental setbacks prevented me from doing so...

I blame it on the gawdamned retail job....and my period. I really do!!

Tuesday November 30, 10

"So This is Where the Future Lies....

11:42 PM

...With a Beer Gut Belly and an Open Fly..."
..so spout out the words by Anne Clark...a poet from the early 1980s, who set her poetry to synthizizer (sic) music, and was quite danceable to in teenybopper clubs back in the day. I still have a couple of her Twelve inches, on vynil, in storage at an undisclosed location. ;)
Anyway...so where am i going with this, you may ask?? Well...remember when you were young...very young...and thought you were gonna be bad ass and accomplish all these wonderful feats and make the world a better place?? Well, i was one of these unfortunate creatures who believed the dream...and the dream never came true. :( Instead, here i am, with a Bachelor's degree that doesn't mean shit to "those in the know". I'd love to pursue a Master's degree, but hate the debt i'd accrue, so that's outta the question.
    How sad...the degree i worked so hard for...and at times i felt like throwing in the towel..it seemed so difficult at times..doesn't mean SHIT!!!! There are high school dropouts doing better financially than me...why the fuck did i go to school?????

Monday November 29, 10

Writer's Block Party

10:00 PM

Ugh. I was finally off from work today after working one of the toughest weekends imaginable. Of course, having much to do around the house it was extremely frustrating that my day was spent being completely unproductive. Due to the working conditions and hours from the past three days, i feel like i have temporarily swapped bodies with that of a ninety year old. But hey, tomorrow is another day, right? In fact, in about ten hours from now, i plan on moving mountains...of laundry.
So during my bout of unproductiveness, i have managed to live this entire day on the internet. I didn't plan on it that way...it just sort of happened. So i had FINALLY turned off the laptop, when something compelled me to turn it back on and come back to this grand old site and compose a journal entry. It was almost as if fate were directing me to do it..very weird. Maybe someone out there is in need of an insomnia cure, to which only i can provide!
I haven't really been doing much writing lately, as the writing bug hasn't bitten me in ages. I'd really like to get back into writing, as i used to be pretty good at it. Or maybe i never was. Nevertheless, it's always been something i've enjoyed doing. I think i may start writing in my personal journals again. You know, those blank books that you write in using something called a pen...lol.
Geez, i REALLY hope i feel better tomorrow. Right now i feel like a dried up sun-baked dog turd. Attractive, i know. :P
Well, again i'm at a loss for words, so i guess i'll just return to the writer's block party. Hopefully they have some drinks left.

Hasta Luego!

Monday November 22, 10


06:10 PM

Well, here i am again, attempting to justify my existence via Morrissey-solo. Dot com. Tell your Dad, tell your Mom, lol.
Amazing i am here posting a journal entry in hopes of mouthing off about anything and everything, as i am at a loss for words at the moment. Don't know what's come over me, yet i do know at the same time. My mind is still in a state of emotional hibernation. And hey, it's the winter time...the time of year where grizzley bears and other "scary" animals choose to sleep in for six weeks straight. I'd love to be a "scary" animal in that regard!
Not feeling very well today. I obviously ate something that didn't agree with me. I feel like pooh...and i don't mean Winnie. More like this journal entry...i'll be the first to admit it. ;)
Hope everyone out there is having a great evening.

Friday October 08, 10

Pop-Up Journal

11:20 PM


Yes it's been a long damned time, yet here i am again, popping up on here like a pimple on your face that you thought was long killed off by such wonderous products such as ProActive. Yet here i am again!
Seems there is a hubub of activity going on in the Moz World, in spite of him not being on tour nor having a current "record" deal. The whole remark about the Chinese being a "subspecies". Well, following his career for the past 22 years, i would find it safe to say that i'm pretty sure Morrissey considers the ENTIRE human race to be a "subspecies", not just the Chinese. Perhaps he was extremely upset with the actions of the Chinese people, and he spoke words out of anger that he really didn't mean towards the entire Chinese population. Has anyone here ever declared something totally atrocious out of anger and then came to regret it? I'd guess yes for about 98% of you.
Anyway, i would write more, but sleep calls. I'm enabling comments for people to tear me apart on this entry, or just plain ignore (i'm betting on the latter), as my life is very dull at the moment.
Have a great weekend!! ;)

Wednesday May 05, 10

Been a Long Time

10:02 PM

Hello All.

As the title suggests, it has indeed been a long time since i've (dis)graced the journal section of this site with my presence. I suppose the reason i haven't written in here lately is due to my being in a sort of a funk; i have felt neither inspired nor "normal" these past two months. The writing bug/epidemic had left me, and i also have frankly been working out some issues in my own head.

There have been a few days quite recently when i have questioned my own sanity. I have suffered from depression on and off for more than half my life, and was recently feeling so bad that i actually was considering being hospitalized briefly for it. I was feeling so terrible and worthless that i was actually contemplating death. I'm not writing this to invoke sympathy...but wanting to die just happens to be a symptom of major depression, which is indeed a legitimate ILLNESS.

Both of my parents had been hospitalized for depression when they were young, and frankly i'm amazed i've managed to avoid repeating this family ritual. Amazed and GRATEFUL.

However, the past week and a half or so, i've been starting to feel much better. Yes there have been a few bumps in the road, but i am truly starting to feel so much better, better than i've felt in more than two years or so. It has now been more than two years since my Dad passed away, so maybe the grief and hurt is slowly starting to lift away from my shoulders. While i of course wish every day that my dad was still here, i think i've adapted to him not being here (physically) and have learned to go about life as usual.

Ah, i would write more, but i am getting sleepy...very sleepy...

Until next time...

Saturday April 03, 10

"To The Rescue No One Comes..."

09:23 PM

Seems that way for the past couple of years or so. In fact, so called potential rescuers have seemed to vanish before my eyes during the past year and a half. I realize that i need to become my own rescuer, as i have been aware of this fact for many, many years. And i would so like to be my own rescuer. But it just seems that lately i have been slowly falling into the pit of my own self-made Hades, and can't seem to dig myself out of this pit, even if i try to climb the sides of the walls.
      To try and make sense of this self-pitying journal i am writing tonight, i was listening to Radiohead's "Amnesiac" earlier this evening. I thought to myself; "Radiohead are so brilliant...why haven't i listened to this cd in such a long time??" Well..yes the music is brilliant..but i'm sorry it's depressing as hell.
I've caught flak from some people being a Smiths/Morrissey fan. "Oh how can you listen to such depressing music??" And from my ex-boyfriend, whose birthday just happens to fall the day before Morrissey's (ha!!) "Oh, i'm not into that music where everybody just feels sorry for themselves." Well...yes, in Smiths/Moz music, there is a theme of melancholy, but you can always catch a glimmer of playfulness and hope, at least in most of the songs. None of the Smiths/Moz songs i have ever heard have made me want to take five bottles of sleeping pills like Radiohead does. Don't get me wrong...i love Radiohead and think they are brilliant...i just don't think clinically depressed people like myself should listen to post "OK Computer" music without psychactric guidance...

Wednesday March 31, 10

Remembering Selena

06:18 PM

So .i've been notified by various media sources (i.e. the newspaper, radio, internet) that today marks 15 years since Tejano singer Selena was slain. :( My lord, she was only 23 years old. So beautiful, so talented, and such a heart of gold. I often wonder why God allows or even wills such tragedies like this to happen. I've read in many new agey type of books that it's for our spiritual growth. If this is true (which i suspect it is), then i want to be the obnoxious kid that disrupts the class and gets sent to the principal's office for bad behavior. I just don't understand it...why must a human being endure situations of agony in order to learn "life's lessons"?
Anyway, on a more interesting note, just wanted to share this little story: My father was working in Corpus Christi at the time of Selena's death. That day, he happened to be off from work, and was working out on his treadmill, and was listening to the radio. He said all of a sudden, the broadcasts were interrupted with the news about Selena. He heard the description of the location of the infamous hotel, and realized that it was only a mile or two from where he was staying. So he decided to brush his treadmill aside for the day and head out on foot to where all the commotion was going on (it was that close to him).
I remember he told me when he got there Selena was no longer there but had been rushed to the hospital. Yolanda Saldivar was there (her friggin' killer), and she had holed herself up in a vehicle, with a gun pointed to her head. There was a crowd around this vehicle of about 30 people or so, and they were like: "Pull the trigger!! Pull the trigger!!"

Sunday March 21, 10

A Conglomerate of Thoughts

07:54 PM

Where to start? Well, i guess for starters...the subject of dealing with ageing...
I will unfortunately be 38 by the time this year is over. The frustrating thing about this chronological fact is that i have no concept of time. I still feel as young and childish as i did at the age of 22. To put it to you bluntly: I am a young person in the body of a middle aged female...God help us all...
Sorry..i would write more, but the computer is almost all out of juice...and we elderly people need to get to bed early.

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