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"I've been beat up. I've been thrown out. But i'm not down. I'm not down. I've been shown up, but I've grown up (not really), and i'm not down, i'm not down.."
Monday December 20, 10
So, the holidays of Christmas and New Years are merely days away. A whole year has almost passed by in the blink of an eye...and what have i done?? I swear, the year to me has passed by to me in what seems to be timewise about six months, yet it's been a year.
Guess this is what happens when you get older...the old analogous toilet paper roll running out of paper the closer it gets to the end...of the toilet paper roll, that is..and i suppose the other end too, if you wanna be pervy about it.
To get back to why i titled this journal the way i did...my best friend's mother is very sick with pnemonia right now. She's been prescribed all sorts of antibiotics. If she doesn't respond to this latest round, she may die. My friend asked me to call her today...i tried..her mom didn't answer. It's one of the most difficult phone calls i will ever have to make...to someone who may be dying. When my own father was dying, i didn't know how the hell to react.
One of the most horrible things to endure in life is to watch someone die while you are in horror of their pain, and then feeling a sense of relief after they have passed on. Not that you're glad that they're dead, but relieved that they are not suffering any longer.
But yet you still feel a tiny bit guilty for wishing them death over excruciating pain. It's really difficult to describe.
Merry Christmas and Love you, Dad.
Saturday December 11, 10
Okay, there are a plethora of subjects occupying my mind tonight. So when i logged onto the internet a few minutes ago, i did my best not to log onto facebook or read any of the comments on the main page of Moz-Solo, so that i could arrive here to the journal section and journal my little heart out.
And i did it! Yay!
So, here goes nothing:
Working a retail job this "holiday" season (can't say Christmas, or else someone may have a stroke). I've done so before, but the hours being assigned this year have been the worst than they've ever been. There are literally less than seven hours between shifts on some days. In the past, management were able and willing to accomodate you and adjust your work schedule so it would be more bearable to work these crazy shifts. Not so much these days. You bring this subject to their attention and they pretty much shrug their shoulders and say; "you're on your own, kid".
The economy is still in pathetic shape, although the media keeps saying it's getting better (um...better for whom????). Yeah, so. Things seem so bad job wise...and not just my own experience, but that of those around me...that i wonder if our society (yes, the US) will resort to Dickensenian (sp) type of working conditions. And also, to be frank...that of Western Europe. Seems as if everyone's broke...Ireland, Spain, Greece...where has the money gone?? And the US is in debt in a ridiculous amount of money...where has all the money from all these countries gone?? Don't tell me China?!?! Well, i've probably answered my own question.
So what spurned this journal entry is: a friend of mine who i've known for 25 years recently attained her Master's degree in education. She was having a celebration tonight...i told her i would attend...i was very much looking forward to going and seeing her and stuff. Unfortunately, emotional, physical, and mental setbacks prevented me from doing so...
I blame it on the gawdamned retail job....and my period. I really do!!
Tuesday November 30, 10
"So This is Where the Future Lies....
...With a Beer Gut Belly and an Open Fly..."
Monday November 29, 10
Writer's Block Party
Ugh. I was finally off from work today after working one of the toughest weekends imaginable. Of course, having much to do around the house it was extremely frustrating that my day was spent being completely unproductive. Due to the working conditions and hours from the past three days, i feel like i have temporarily swapped bodies with that of a ninety year old. But hey, tomorrow is another day, right? In fact, in about ten hours from now, i plan on moving mountains...of laundry.
Monday November 22, 10
Well, here i am again, attempting to justify my existence via Morrissey-solo. Dot com. Tell your Dad, tell your Mom, lol.
Friday October 08, 10
Yes it's been a long damned time, yet here i am again, popping up on here like a pimple on your face that you thought was long killed off by such wonderous products such as ProActive. Yet here i am again!
Wednesday May 05, 10
Been a Long Time
As the title suggests, it has indeed been a long time since i've (dis)graced the journal section of this site with my presence. I suppose the reason i haven't written in here lately is due to my being in a sort of a funk; i have felt neither inspired nor "normal" these past two months. The writing bug/epidemic had left me, and i also have frankly been working out some issues in my own head.
There have been a few days quite recently when i have questioned my own sanity. I have suffered from depression on and off for more than half my life, and was recently feeling so bad that i actually was considering being hospitalized briefly for it. I was feeling so terrible and worthless that i was actually contemplating death. I'm not writing this to invoke sympathy...but wanting to die just happens to be a symptom of major depression, which is indeed a legitimate ILLNESS.
Both of my parents had been hospitalized for depression when they were young, and frankly i'm amazed i've managed to avoid repeating this family ritual. Amazed and GRATEFUL.
However, the past week and a half or so, i've been starting to feel much better. Yes there have been a few bumps in the road, but i am truly starting to feel so much better, better than i've felt in more than two years or so. It has now been more than two years since my Dad passed away, so maybe the grief and hurt is slowly starting to lift away from my shoulders. While i of course wish every day that my dad was still here, i think i've adapted to him not being here (physically) and have learned to go about life as usual.
Ah, i would write more, but i am getting sleepy...very sleepy...
Until next time...
Saturday April 03, 10
"To The Rescue No One Comes..."
Seems that way for the past couple of years or so. In fact, so called potential rescuers have seemed to vanish before my eyes during the past year and a half. I realize that i need to become my own rescuer, as i have been aware of this fact for many, many years. And i would so like to be my own rescuer. But it just seems that lately i have been slowly falling into the pit of my own self-made Hades, and can't seem to dig myself out of this pit, even if i try to climb the sides of the walls.
Wednesday March 31, 10
So .i've been notified by various media sources (i.e. the newspaper, radio, internet) that today marks 15 years since Tejano singer Selena was slain. :( My lord, she was only 23 years old. So beautiful, so talented, and such a heart of gold. I often wonder why God allows or even wills such tragedies like this to happen. I've read in many new agey type of books that it's for our spiritual growth. If this is true (which i suspect it is), then i want to be the obnoxious kid that disrupts the class and gets sent to the principal's office for bad behavior. I just don't understand it...why must a human being endure situations of agony in order to learn "life's lessons"?
Sunday March 21, 10
A Conglomerate of Thoughts
Where to start? Well, i guess for starters...the subject of dealing with ageing...