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"I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world."-O.Wilde***"What she said was sad, but then all the rejection she's had- to pretend to be happy could only be idiocy..."***And the constant question- am I really that unloveable?***"Jesus made me, so Jesus save me from pitty, sympathy, and people discussing me..."***If you ever come across a blonde haired girl with large blue eyes looking at nothing and seeing everything- then you've found me. The martini will be mine and I will most probably be......alone
Tuesday December 07, 10
when we were young....
I sat wishing that I had something to write.
And I remembered this little journal.
I've missed it so.
Life is strange. I read the old writings here and I feel ancient. Though I am nowhere close to old. The posts make me feel like I lived a lifetime.
The pain is still here, but it is lessened and different. In an insane age, I feel out of place and very unnatural.
But this is why we are here. We all gathered around the music that saved us.
It is good to be home.
Friday October 05, 07
Confirmation came.... seeing Moz the 12th in dear old Hollywood.
Can't wait :)
Thursday January 11, 07
Thursdays aren't what they used to be
Thanks to all of those that took the time to read the last ranting journal. It's been a hard month. It feels good to get some release :) In the meanwhile, I was wondering if anyone else had myspace pages or emails or cared to give me any feedback on what I've written. selfish, I know- but I could use the opinions.
Dear God- george bush..... that man is evil, horrible and a complete waste of time. We impeached Clinton for a blow job, but we aren't going to impeach Bush for lying to the american people, starting a war, and putting us billions of dollars in debt? I believe in karma. I have a feeling george is going to get a spoonfull in the end.
Or a bucket full.
Or just drowned in it.
What a moron.
*sigh* This is why I can't watch the news. It makes me all sorts of angry.
Monday January 08, 07
so it goes
I sit here, wasting time and not doing a damn thing that I should be.
I have spent the entire morning looking for a job, and hating Big Brother, and trying to figure which articles I've written are too much of a piece of crap to submit for my book.
all in all- I've gotten a lot done, but feel like the most unsucessful person alive.
ah yes, that familiar depression and anxiety.
I had terrible dreams last night and awoke with a feeling of dread. Off to pound the pavement. Off to starve for my art. Here I am again- the world changes and I with it.
If only they still petitioned the arts. I suppose they do. Just not mine. Of course not.
Happy 2007. I'm still as lost as I ever was.
Tuesday May 16, 06
oh how the time passes
But, I am finding my way back here.
Slowly, but none the less.
How is everyone?
Tell me the news.
And remember- I am still right here, where I always was.
Tuesday October 18, 05
I am trying my best to accomplish all of the things that I am tied and obligated to.
I don't know if I can.
Not that I care too much. It's just that it bothers me that these petty worries creep into my mind when I'm not paying attention.
*sigh* and just yesterday I said that it was all ok.
But you know what? Fine. Fuck em. Let other people have to worry about the tedious things for a bit.
I'm not pleasing anyone.
Maybe not even myself.
Which, is ia sign that I should throw everything out and start over.
Wednesday May 04, 05
why won't it happen?
Why is it that I always feel like I'm struggling? Why can't I ever find piece of mind and feel content that I am where I should be?
I try. I try like you wouldn't believe.
And why is the heart such a tender thing? Why can't it survive on it's own without the mind so diligently leading it astray? Am I ever going to feel like I'm making the right choices? Am I ever really going to be able to let go and give in to what is natural?
I doubt it.
Because how one feels and what's acceptable within the realm of the emotions of others hardly mixes.
I want to know that it's OK.
Friday April 01, 05
I just want to say
I haven't been away. I am still right here, where I always was.
Except for last weekend, when I was in Vegas :)
My love to all-
Tuesday December 28, 04
Hedline: New Age Crap Makes Good!!!!
Alright, alright..... I am not a firm believer in New Year resolutions. Most of the time people are just making them because they have reevaluated their lives during the holidays and/or have had family members point out what is so obviously wrong with them, and suddenly feel the need to improve upon their vile ways.
Stay with me here.
But not I. The only thing close to a resolution that I made was about two weeks ago when I discovered that I really do feel like crap. This is most likely due to high stress, lack of sleep, and pushing myself. Constantly. So I have decided to try and save my cruddy little soul by being a bit more cautious with my health.
Will I still smoke? Of course.
Will I still drink? Of course.
Will I go on some crazy diet in an attempt to improve myself? No.
I will just take everything in moderation.
This means that I am going to attempt to take the vitamin suppliments that I am supposed to be taking in the first place, and I am going to try and do some yoga or something to prevent the constant aches and pains.
Do you really care about any of this? I didn't think so.
In other news, I am still an emotionally deformed person and feel like I am driving my poor boy to the breaking point.
He says that he loves me.
I believe him.
I just feel sorry for him that he does.
I am not like other girls.
A rock AND an island-
Monday December 27, 04
just when you survive christmas......
Lo and behold...... I made it through another year of holiday hell. Not only that, but I did it with family relations still in tact, and my mental health some what unshattered.
But now I come back to work after a week long vacation, and WOOPS!!! They did the schedule wrong. Last week they had someone in every department. This week? Myself and one other co-worker. We came in this morning and looked around. After calling the boss to confirm, our worst fears were made into a harsh reality. Now it is just her and I holding down five departments and over 300 clients.
What can you do?
Killed by middle management's mistake-