Marisela (1865)

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You're Frankly Vulgar a redpullover**

Journal of Marisela (1865)

Friday January 28, 11


12:03 PM


As I sit here.. I thought about what has made me Happy In my life..
I have had such a complicated life.
Lived so much at the wrong tme.
So much that I quite often am in shabbles @=*/
Which has not all been a bad thing.
I feel that I can take and have took a lot.
Im grateful.Yet a tad resentful.
I have learned that, I honestly have loved and have been loved by many.
Yet, where is it that I want to be.
This is still so confusing to me.
I have often advised that it is a good thing to have goals.
As many as you can dream of.
I suppose I am still on time to Prevail!
well atleast I hope that!
I still end up careing more for the ones around me.. I ask myself why?
Well I recall a time when I was a kid. Oh around 8 or 9...
I recall seeing my momma cry as she sat in the back patio.i could not help Nor did she want my help. she just wanted to be alone.
I knew her dog had gotten ran over and died.
All I wanted to do was hug her.
Later in life I found out it was a lot more personal and that although she was sad about Mimi.. She was also down hearted by many other problems.
That for some reason made a huge impact on me. I did not want to see her so sad.
Her little pretty face was so blue.
I have always been a sucker to see people cry. I get gutsy and want to be a Hero.
I have many a times.
But then as I think of this. and learned the truth about what I seen in my mommas blue sobbing little face.
I have tended to stop being as careing. Yet,I lived my life for others and honestly.. I became me. All confused wrapped in a little shell and useing my energy for all to come take!
So take take take!
I guess this is unconditional love.
All I need is Love.
Yet, I became a Marter.I forgot that in order to be satisfied with me.. I must do for myself first.
That is such a hard thing for me to do!
Maybe I felt I did not deserve to be Happy?
Now all the Drama has passed. I am a full grown Mature Women..
To put it nicely!
I feel I have done all I wanted.I do not ask for much.

Now.. I must help myself..
Be a good example at my mature age.
See I have family.
I have married raised kids. worked, helped others.
Been happy been loved Been clueless to a lot. I walked walked walked looking for thoes in need..
I have always had an amount of moral.
So now the martering must stop.
I must be brave and willing to see why I deserve to be happy to.
See when it came to me personally.
I have always put myself last.
I sort of felt I deserved it.
So, I am going back to understand myself.
If I know so many wonderful people.. Why is it that when I do see them progress I worry about me.
I do feel proud to have been there for so many and not for myself.Yet I did this instinctly.
I know that I did good for them.
I have always tended to suffer for the sake of another.
I shall prevail!
Even if I have to be doing this from my rocking chair in front of my porch!;)
After all some head forward & march! and some I guess walk backwards as a crab as I.. OK so I have managed to turn it around. Now I can see where I am going. and what I want to do.
Be strong Marisela.
You can do it!
Nike!, Says so!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
it is almost February of 2011! Wow! :)

I'm not the only going through life this way.. All everybody wants is to be happy.
To be Happy.
Now what would make me Happy..
What do I want to do so as to be happy.
and How can I achieve it with all I know..
Because honestly..
I do not have much time.
But If I savor the moment?
Hmm Maybe just maybe I can still get a tad;)
I am all for it!
If this also makes others around me happy.
and I know that many see it this way . For my own good.
Hugs and Love to the world! and the ones I know and love.
I sometimes feel I want to burst!
I still have you in my mind.
Is it wrong?

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