Marisela (1865)

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You're Frankly Vulgar a redpullover**

Journal of Marisela (1865)

Friday June 18, 10


07:33 AM

I feel as If I am at square one again.

After my seperation I felt oh so worthless.Yet I did not want to hurt my family.I did.. He did we did.
I looked into my childrens eyes and as I seen them grow wow I had a blast! I loved being a mommie... My memories of them are locked in my head.. The things they all did brought so much happiness to myself and others.

I just was determined to make it all better.

But we never really know what will happen next.
I hurt so much at this moment.
I must live by the rules.
Not someones rules, but the ones that I, as an adult have learned must be issued daily. Such as, Being a Good productive member of society, coping with myself and giving room for my loved ones dispite the fact I know where they are heading. We all must bite our tongues every oh so often.
It is just astonishing how far people want to go.
Sad to learn this...yes this situation. Again!?!?!
Dispite the fact!!, that some people are their for you giving and giving and oh! taking the shirt off their backs for you.
Dispite it all. We can fall and lay on our old disgusting vomit.Wow 5 years and again.. Again!?!?!?
How ignorrant I am to oh so much about ,about people. Shit! In this case my daughter.
See it is hard to have been there done that and have to go through it all again?? Again!?
I have lost oh so much.
My family has lost oh so much! we all lost. Why!?
Because A Drug!? Damn!!!! I am so angry that I would love to sock somebody!
Yet even if some of us have great expectaions in life..
This F****D up goverment daily brings us to humiliation.
It is on the rise! and always will be.
Yet should I give up!?
Hell No!
As I sit here and weigh it all out. As much as I may want to strangle HER!
I can only hope.Sighs...
I will not give up on trying my best. If I have to self sacrifice it just is not worth it. I have been their DONE that!
I may just have to push the hell out of myself to succeed.All I learned in that whole traumatic time in my life, was that I was there I had the means I slowly lost all family respect I lost the focus of a dream, what family morals were.. I lost my religion! literally. I was happy yet life changed my point of view..
For good.. I guess.
But it only showed me that somethings are good for some but not for all.. And that it does not make us least nor better then anyone else.. If someone is happy at what they are doing?? Well so be it.. who am I to judge.
All we can do, Is hope for the best.

I only hope I make it without having a heart attack...I have a murmur the size of a freaken nickle as far as I know.I don't care to know more.I do not want doctors even looking at my heart..
if I go well I go! Is my bottom line and I wish to be respected.
I am not physically be able to take it all.I think! it does scare me just a tad.
So I am taking it day by day and today I shall do what I must..
Ignore the things I can not help with.
Wow, even when it means my own flesh and blood..
Sadly I have been taken for a ride before and learned when I had to jumped off..Yet,

I'll shake this dirt off.
I hope for a better tomorrow.
I shall pray to God Life and living that she will make it all right again...5 yrs! 5 great years.. Down the drain??? Hmm well maybe not.. I must think about this again.
When it comes to her making dicisions.. I pray she comes to her senses and can be as strong as I have been.
It hurts to bleed.
Damn!! she has pushed me, to MY edge again and I must remember it all over again and I have.:(
My stomach is still churning and I still want to oh so badly self torture.I have been dark and sad.. Yet putting on this smiling face in order to keep possitivity alive for those who come in contact with us.
I can and will only do so much!!! I am not super women anymore.And refuse to be! especially to "Stupidity"..:(

I Love and hope the best to my butterfly..
Wow! She is Selfish oh so very selfish.:(

Not a good trait to have..
I was fotunate I was just ignorrant.
But I do have feeling of that darkness I so got accostumed to.
So even shaking selfishness off,
Can and is an addiction.
I really do not want to go on..
But I guess I am here for a very very good reason..
God Help us!

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