Marisela (1865)

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You're Frankly Vulgar a redpullover**

Journal of Marisela (1865)

Wednesday April 21, 10

Who do you think you are?

08:31 AM

There are so many times I have gone through tunnels in my life. Yet, it has not been mine.
I have always been so scared to go through mine.

Is this what I have come to realise just now!?

Reminds me of a lyric that Sir Morrissey wrote.. "You have never been in love until you see the dawn rise, for the home of the blind."
This lyric, as an artist. I have not come to terms with all because of this crazy control this government has had on me It reminds me of literal children.
Weee high! :)
As the children that I have been working with . They have not had it easy.
Yet I work with these little guys that have seen so much with their eyes that it makes them look and see and behave uncontrolably. In a way that they should never have had to live through.

I have gone through a tunnel that has brought me to terms about myself.
I mean come on!
Why should I have to be paid for something that should come free..
To take care of little children!
Homeless children.
Orphans, children that are beautiful, smart, witty, intelligant, cuddly, loving, and amazing! little artist in little packeges..

I always have believed that the best things come in little packeges.. Thank you momma! she was only 5ft tall.

Makes my tummy churn!:(

Their is just so much life and Love to share! to give.
Wow, I remember a time I was going through my tunnel. I felt so afraid! That I did not go though.
This even makes my tummy hurt to remember.
I got scared. I fear to know what was at the end. Oh, I tend to do this in many many ways.I just do not feel I deserve it.
This is why,
I do not carry out nor do I trust no one, Anyone, completly. There are times I have acted, pretended that I was letting go or had let go, but only for personal selfish reasons that makes me, just human.
Yet, I never want to hurt anyone.! Intentionally.

We all have a vampire in us. and it seems to have gotten the best of me many times.
it makes me no differant from anyone, really.

Yet, my life has shifted.
It is boiling down to me.
I have to face, Me. :(

I wish I did not have to do this but I have seen a light say that I have to be around.
I have a reason to stay and I have no choice. So I have been making the best out of it all. It has been years now. Not knowing that I would comfront MY tunnel again..
I am not scared anymore. I see it I have enough love to give and I have recieved oh, So much more.
I do not want to wish I could go through it.I am still very insucure.
For I sometimes feel like a killer. Not deserving. I feel like a Statistic, many a times!

Yet, when I hear of stories of people as myself in my possition. I can see that they are egotistic, rude, greedy and selfish , which I am not. Except with myself.
I have self tortured myself in many ways through my life.. and I feel I have been going through this just way to long.

We humans are so complex.

But, when I see, The love that their is out there.
The children , yes, The children.
I realise, that all we really and truly need is Love.
Many, I know Many that do not know what love is!

They can do a lot of talk say they are open minded and will give this or that even money! and Lots of it, this or that they may give and give and give..
Yet they use that as an achor to let their head blow up like a zepillin!
I have always believed that if we give it should be from our hearts. In secret.
Not letting my right hand see that my left hand has been generous. I dislike even mentioning it here! in my journal and knowing this will be seen by whomever reads me.
Yet I want to write this down for mine to see who I am and who they are a part of.For I consider myself a very fortunate person.

This I learned as I walked through a long loving tunnel.It was amasing!
Yet, my insucurity feels like the unforgivable sin.
Not even God, a god.. the stars the moon the airs much much less any human being can help. Some things just have to be done by yourself.
Yes, by myself Marisela.

I began to do for myself. Looking and going through others tunnels.. Many are still on stand bye.. and some have gone through their first tunnel.
Some I have gone through so as to help.. I seem to have had the guts it took..I held their hand ever so sofely and pulled. I have no regrets! It has been like they say, fresh water for the boiling, yes hot!, bones.

Now, Even the strongest man I so feared, yet, I wanted to be in his place his spot has seemed to have forgotten me.
It did not matter that his hand was not extended to me, by him. I am still alive and making the best out of what I have done or portraid.Sad to say he was ignorant to my needs.

This is a secret of life.. to walk fearlessly.
Now I know this much.

We live and learn.
Now lets teach and help those in fear for I also need my hand held ever so softly.
Even If I seem so so couragious..

Even a wild animal can be tamed.You see?

Lol. they say even an old dog can learn new tricks..
I suppose this to be true..
For, we never graduate from life.
I shall never graduate from this life..
Maybe that is what death offers a graduation to this life and sends us to the next level!
haha what a crazy thought! Oh this way of life is so unnecessary.
Now that is not true !
that I know;)

"Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the GAME. (Yes, We have to play the "game" So, if she asks, say you do not have a cat even if she has seen him and played with him through the freaken window! Sheech! What a goverment! What a shallow, not real, life this can be. Yet, It is real! Heaven help us!)

It's easy. (Yeah right!, Yet I guess I can somewhat understand this... It is like, To see something work for me I must invest blood and lots of love for what you want to offer, if, it,whatever may it be, or have, a fine, wonderful thing product or skill?! haha it is like compensating!??? Hell I am not sure just yet.. Another 10 years , Id say! lol oh well.. I am certainly doomed to live!)

There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
(Nothing new or done that is new.)
No one you can save that can't be saved.
(If they are worth saving!)
Nothing you can do BUT YOU CAN LEARN HOW YOU CAN BE YOU IN TIME (OK..I can try a little harder)- It's easy." (Possitive thoughts possitive thought!)

HUGS to you Marisela!

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