Marisela (1865)

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You're Frankly Vulgar a redpullover**

Journal of Marisela (1865)

Friday September 05, 08

People asking questions lost....

11:53 AM

This Morning I got to writing a dear friend I have back in San Diego..
His Name is Royer.. I truly love this guy.. As a true friend... We have no strings attached what so ever.. He was also born in Los Angeles and if you see us together it is very obvious.. We have that lil L.A attitude.. Which I am proud of.
He calls me, leaves me phone messages and can make me laugh and laugh. He also is often sad.
It may just be a Los Angeles affect.
  My head seems to be in shambles lately
and I have not been able to do much reading, writing or sketching. And I am just not being productive..
I feel my blood literally speeding through my vains from head to toe.. and It makes me very dizzy..
Roy brings a smile to my face.I have wonderful family. I guess we are all well.
Yet, I feel I can never ever be enough.Not a good feeling at all.I may need a doctors appointment.Uggg, I am findiing it hard to find a purpose that I would like to achieve..For nothing is bringing me much joy.For I have done a lot in my life and seem to be living on memories.Yet, It has been hard for me to laugh out loud as I can only remember the times. I am not one to put up a front.. I really never have had to play the "game"..
I have always been streight forward and march!
See I feel as if I am being given a option to live or to die. and I want both.
Like when someone yells at you calls you the worst names ever calls you Stupid! then Offers you French apple pie and ice cream... I love pie and ice cream...=(

Yes yes, all is going to be ok. For I know Life goes on.and I can make things happen.
Oh I shall be ok.. I am a worrier,And I can only remember, all I have been through.. All I have gotten myself out of.All for the sake of family.
Family is sooo important.. and we all just seem to be floating at the time..
Doing this that and well there is just not a home that I am proud of.
I keep hearing the words of my eldest daughter some years back..I had just seperated from my ex and rented a house in Chula Vista..
My prodigal daughter came back, and she sobbed and cried.. saying that "It felt like home."
I was so proud to hear her say that!
I guess it all goes back to when I was a kid.. I was the one putting ornaments on special occasions My family was nuts! and it all now just tadly reminds me of my family growing up..

Again, I lost it all.
I just hate being so wishy washy

How can I stop thinking this way!? When I remember being strong, Hell I think I may have even shifted the future! Not only in a bad way.. But mostly good.

Wow If only I could just fly!

I really need some refreshment to my soul..
Yet, I know that I could not possibly return to religion.Yet it scares me to be put in my place.. I hate to be forced! I do and I shall always believe that there is a God.I am not Atheist.
How could I be? How could I possibly deny it all.
The miracles.. There really was miracles....Wow
How could I possibly be so ungrateful.. God has been good to me. No doubt!.
Maybe my eyes could see so much back then.
Yeah I remember this time.
Haha when I was a kid I squint my eyes to see particles in the air. when ever I would hear this song....
See...being into religion did help and I was able to grow up and see many things..
Yet it was always a struggle..and I hate constantly being a the same routine..
I am a Gypsy! I am not predictable..I like being spontanoius.. So why the shambles, dammit!
What I do not see as loving is the competition there is within religions, the separating of Ideas and families and condemnation they all seem to oppose to. Anything that this world can offer.I am talking about Achievments. Religions form a guilt trip that crushes our very most intellectual idea of making a rational move to better ourselves in this life.
Yet, I am here writing this.There are just to many people to many Ideas, The I am smarter and wittier then you trip,yes the power trip.
I say live and let live.. yes, I like that saying..
I just had to write.
I am fed up of being so down about, how I was treated. Or how I am now.I must snap out of it.
Chop Chop! as someone just recently told me.
Yet, I just can never hate nor could I possibly send bad Karma to anyone. Unless they have commited the Mortal Sin..
I will never tolerate abuse.

So I was talking to my friend Royer.
He sent me a message saying things he would say and die for when he was a teenager growing up in the Barrio Of Los Angeles..He really made me laugh and think , but I know he is not well at the time.
His momma just passed away.. and he is feeling just as I did when my mom passed on. LOST!MAD yet hopeful.
What came to my mind to share with him were words written John Lennons words that I often turn to...

"People asking questions lost in confusion,
Well I tell them there's no problem,
Only solutions,
Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind,
I tell them there's no hurry...
I'm just sitting here doing time,"

See there are only times when I feel there is only so much we can do.
As I, at this time.

I guess I will never be alright in my eyes.

I don't know, maybe there will be more memories that bring me happiness.

But I am not holding my breath.:)

Life is to short.. yet it just seems like forever for me.Just not short enough.. At this moment!
with my luck...I shall most likely live to be a 101!

Yes, my life is what I make it..
All I need is the strength!


I just have to let it go.
See, what is up!
Smile, shake the dirt and move on.. I have done this and will,
I must!.
I feel so so very bad about this. I just do not seem to care about myself. I can easily be taken advantage of.
Grrr so easy can I just be trampled walked on spit on.
metaphorically speaking.

My best to the loves of my life.
I don't have to many.
But they are HUGEMONGUS!

3 lovely freaks in Christmas hats smiling! Haha That is Ironic, believe me.

They have to be my inspiration once again.
and well have been. So, what the fuck marisela!?

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