Havfine (284)

Havfine
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Journal of Havfine (284)

Friday June 25, 04

weird news

12:55 PM

The day was too calm to be real. Most people from this city didn't work today because of the long holidays and most had sore throats, some tears in the eyes, and a very bizarre mood.
The game between France and Greece was also a calm one, a nice victory from Greece and I was happy. Nothing compared to the game eysterday though.
Then the news...

Durão Barroso, the prime-minister from Portugal will resign.
He wants to become the president of the European Comission.
Nobody likes him anyway and the european ellections showed it clearly.
The weather amongst the CDS-PP league got even worse after the ellections.
In my last entry I mentioned the mayor of Lisbon. Funny that today I thought that even though I liked the guy a lot I would not vote for him because I dislike the CDS-PP league.
Well he's likely to become the next prime-minister of Portugal because there's a great chance that he is the one chosen to replace Durão Durão.
It's not official yet though.

Considering the vast failure that the CDS-PP hd in the european ellections, is it fair that Durão Barroso becomes the president of the european comission at all?
Also is it a nice time to make such decisions when everyone can only think about football?

I'm sad.

Thursday June 24, 04

well

04:07 PM

what a game! By then end of it I was afraid somebody would have a heart attack. I saw almost it all, just missed part of the second half because I was getting nervous.
About the goals which were cancelled, well, if I remember it right England just had one cancelled while Portugal had two, so... and one of them nobody even had to time to wonder about so it's gone to some dark abyss of memory.

Anyway that game was also powerful because in order to get distracted of it I had to think of something else - so it was actually a great opportunity for me to revise some of the concepts that had been tormenting me.
That's to say, one could find out the meaning of life while watching it, but it was still even in the end!

There are still some people making noise in the street, continuing S. João's party yesterday, filled with plastic hammers, fireworks (wonderful!) music and roasted sardines... which would have been happier for me if I were not so melancholic lately.

Anyway - a great hug for everyone that lived that game, for Scolari who brough to the field the portuguese flag in one hand and the brazilian one in another, a gesture that most people ignored except the major of Lisbon who, despite being from the central-right, is a person with a great spirit often in synthony with my own, to the english people who made the best decision that was to celebrate together and have fun together and doing so probably had the rare joy to realise that's just a game after all, and a beautiful one too, etc etc.

And most of all, a great great hug to all the english people who talked with me saying how much they are embarrassed - we know the hooligans are just a few! Let's not think of those few ones as the ones who count - just the opposite!

It's sad that England is out though - what's a championship without the english? Anyway - England and Portugal made history with this one.

Oh I forgot that I don't like football!

Wednesday June 16, 04

good gracious

03:57 AM

Oh my! I wonder if that has anything to do with me! Duh!

From a certain somebody today's journal:
"I could have dragged you in
Guilt by implication
By association
I've always been true to you
In my own strange way
I've always been true to you
In my own sick way
I'll always stay true to you"

What's that? The Moz-Squad intimidating song? Mafia anyone? Poor Morrissey!

Sick way?? You bet! People have the right to disagree with you! Don't try to buy people when they don't agree with you, and above all, don't try to intimidate them! If you want people to like you, be a nice person instead!

...

01:55 AM

Since Gabriella called for it but then for some obscure reason that she classified as "negativity" she deleted the answers to the questions she had made, I feel that I have to say something here about the events on her last entry. I dunno about any negativity, though it's true I don't think I read everything that was written there, once I had more important things to mind like the match Germany X Holland. And not that I like football.

Anyway I'm sure I didn't express myself in a low way, and in case she means that the negativity was coming from me, I want to point that once more that this attitude reminds me of the methods used in fascist governments, where unless you say what you're expected to, you won't be welcome. So, if and only if that's the case, Gabriela, next time you expect me merely to agree with you don't give yourself the trouble of asking - make a film in your own head where I apologise of all mistakes I made (eg not agreeing with you), close your eyes and try to believe in it, and your own problems will be solved.
Sorry if I am being a bit rude now - but in the post she had deleted she was saying that I appear not trust "them" any more. Again - I am and will always be against this Moz-squad, I don't believe in a self-appointed group of people who claim to know everything because they are visionaries and they have gut feelings that can reveal the truth, and make their way in blaming innocent people.
Moreover, I don't give myself the right to choose who may write here and who should not for my conception of the internet is of an open place. If there are anonymous offensive posts, I'm sure there are better ways to deal with them than blaming the first nick you can think about. Even just laughing at them seems a better alternative.
Last and not least - I don't like to be told how I should feel about others. Respect for each one's individuality is a beautiful thing!

Tuesday June 15, 04

hey!

06:15 AM

I thought about deleting this entry by now, but anyway.
********

I'm here. Eh. Not hating anyone though. On the contrary, having the chance to reply to some posts made me some good, I dunno, maybe I was keeping things too much for myself and feeling sooo disappointed... Not now though. More than ever, I believe that there's always a chance to make things better.
As much as I am absolutely against the Moz-squad thing and I want to be, please respect that, somehow it makes me disgusted and I want to call the court of human rights here (lol) - and I thought you were leftists tsc tsc - I have to say one thing about Razor because it's true.
First, she is a nice and kind person (so Razor dear don't pretend to be the wicked witch of north because it doesn't suit you). Secondly it's true, and now that she said it herself I think I can say it without causing her any offense (see how I care after all?) - as far the internet is concerned she is a beginner. And beginners do weird things. I know that because I was a beginner myself some time ago. It hurt like hell to understand how this works, how to get the size of it in a correct way, but somehow I might have done some improvement through the years (though I'm not sure).
My God I was so full of myself when I started to make programs and such... just like any beginner would. It made me a great harm in the long run because I ended up by making a professional life out of it, and now I wonder if I would not be happier if I went to other fields instead.

So again Razor - you know that my life is also to explain to others computing and to introduce them to the internet too - as far as chat and bboards are concerned, my advice is always - stay far from them - but only if you can! If you can't, and I surely can relate to this situation (lol) even because we are part of the XXI century, then the first thing is - try not to get involved (who I am to say that????). Second try not to judge. It takes all sorts of mistakes till one gets used to it. And one is never getting it right anyway, but hey it isn't a problem in itself - because it only matters if we care - and most of the time we should not!

Tuesday May 11, 04

shouting

07:43 AM

I hear the shouting, as much as I hear screams at night coming from upstairs. I just don't know why people bother. I think that all that drives them is the utter desire of being seen, of being noticed, when they failed to see themselves, to establish themselves for themselves, to dig a hole on the ground where their shadows could be planted and flourish with knowledge. Invisible knowledge.

I'm not Echo. If I were, I would have killed Narcissus instead. I can't see the world for anyone else. If you have eyes, you see it. Your life isn't more important than mine, or than anybody else's life - that's just what you want to believe in, when you feed on reflections, when you feed on names, when you feed on statutory notions, when you feed on everything but yourself. Labels are just useless when you know that value is inside.

I close the windows here just like I close them at home. In my mind, the screams become the stretched images of egos hysterically twisted. Images that became stronger than essence and cry for help. And there's nothing I can do about.

I am closed within myself, where I love and hate. Where I love silence mostly, because it's so perfect. Where I love my own thoughts if they come with the right weight and I have the power to write them out, if there's enough harmony in their surrealism and I can breath in their words, like in my dreams. I hate all the strange noises that wake me up from my dreams, just to see shapes of alien realities forged by hypocrisy.

I'm not a weak person in the sense that I never felt the need of having others telling what I think too, even if they do that in a polite fashion. Above all, I don't need people using my thoughts and words. Or myself, if that matters at all (because in case it does, it's wrong).

Monday May 10, 04

Huis clos

07:25 AM

Above the human mistakes, above the human flaws that will always turn green valleys into sterile mud, there's the desire to write.
So that's not my presence here, it's the presence of my words, and by their own sake - as the desire of reaching some place never touched by the thoughts of hatred or by the inelegance of a human contact that always turn to be some sort of self-interest, here as much in any other place, so sad here like in any other place.
I'm not a humanist myself, as much as I try - though perhaps it's dangerous to assume a flaw where people think the best of themselves - anyway, above the flaws, above misery, that's just a statement because it's true. By itself. There's no need of validation, it's perfect the way it is, untouched, unharmed, untwisted, unspoken, unheard.
Simple, not aiming too far, not aiming too low, just simple and plain, close to the clouds. That's it - I'm not a humanist, as much as I try to. And I don't expect to be given lessons about it.
I'm just writing this because this is a moment in my life when I want these words to be read by angels, rather than people, and to engrave them into air. So please, in case there's someone reading this, don't take it any other way than it should be.
Just try to read the meaning I want my own words to have, once in my lifetime.



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