I wonder if the battle for love is real. If it makes any sense. I question it a lot. Still I've been true to it. I can't just go out with someone and not be in love, like everyone in the world does. No one stays true to the rules of the game. Everyone is just using each other. Is it a doom to loose interest on the person u go out with? Has everyone lost their courage?

I wanna wake up on a sunday morning, have a grand piano in my living room and play and have the company of someone i love, not someone I'm avoiding to be with by going to play piano.
I want my trophy from life, I wanna win at life.

Most people are just stupid and cowards. They fool themselves and fool their partners. Is this what they call love? Everything is so practical now, so not analysed. Life cant be just about avoiding feeling bad, but to reach bliss, that's the objective.

Why should one have such a hard time with emotions? What is the animal instinct reason for it to happen? Why do you suffer for someone that you rationally know you’ll never see again?

I’ve been listening to music extremely loud, which kinda reminds me of what stupid people do when they don’t want to think about their problems. I’m probably becoming stupid.

Why should love make you do or feel stupid things when love’s an instinct and instincts’ goal is self preservation? I see a fault there, Sir.

I’ve been busy. Very busy thinking about how much I miss him.

Thus Spoke Frankly Vulgar

"One day the american president and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a government farm. Soon after their arrival they were taken off on separate tours. When Mrs. Coolidge passed the chicken pens she paused to ask the man in charge if the rooster copulates more than once each day. "Dozens of times" was the reply. "Please tell that to the President," Mrs. Coolidge requested. When the President passed the pens and was told about the rooster, he asked "Same hen everytime?" "Oh no, Mr. President, a different one each time." The President nodded slowly, then said "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."

The rudeness and impoliteness of “the” people makes life in general be an unpleasant place for me. The anarchy of rules of conduct and the lack of respect that seems to be the main rule are fed by stupidity and an extreme self centricity. Of course to me, self centricity is a key of my personality, a good one I would say ^^ but it can be a horse hard to tame namely for those “(un)fortunate” enough to be stupid.
I find that in life, having had long moments of unhappiness is a great gift. I think and am pretty sure of it that in unhappiness one finds the excellent environment to develop one’s mind since it is apparent that something is wrong and something “must be done about it”. In this search for causes and answers to the deep problems that affect a person whilst being on depression/melancholic moments, I believe that the way of thinking/intelligence are developed in a good extent and curiously or actually not, in this search for answers one often finds Morrissey’s music.
With intelligence and brain developed, it’s natural for a person to understand at least the basic rules of conduct that are supposed to be used within society, and so not be a troll that respects no one.
This leads me to think that the people that assume this kind of bad social behaviour, either never had depression/melancholic moments (which is quite remarkable) or didn’t take advantage of them which is even more stupid than they already are.

Today I woke up in the middle of the night, i think it was 7am. I couldnt stop thinking about life and one of the things i realized was that i never have wet dreams. They made everything so much easier.
I sometimes have a dream on how my brother is destroying my toys and he is really annoying me. Im not sure why i have this dream because when we were little i was actually the one that destroyed his toys, only because im younger. All i know is that he really annoys me in that dream and I might have to go tell him this has to stop. I have a friend that dreamt about his brother in law being really mean to him and after he woke up he had lunch with his family including his brother in law, to which he said that he was sorry but couldnt talk to him for sometime because of what he had done in his dream. I supported his decision, i could only think of my evil brother. These kind of people annoy me.
I do though love thick people. They are extremly handy. Thick people can also be extremly amusing, specially when they don't get other people's humour.
Today i got a flamebait score in a post i had done. I was really happy, i love to be controversial and love that people disagree with me. I hate being imitated. "Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong." - this is so true.
I thought about cyber sex today and about the people that have it on the internet. I find them so amazing and resourceful:

" Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja: What like gardening an ****?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this s**t is HOT.
MommyMelissa: ...
Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
MommyMelissa: whatever."

In the afternoon i went to birmingham and bought like 11 books, one of which was "By grand central station i sat down and wept". I was so happy to have bought it even though i have never read it. I love being excited and going shopping. I never thought i liked shopping but lately i found out i do. Im so fond of old ladies, they are so nice and helpful. Sometimes i wonder if they are so sweet to me only for me looking lost or because im foreign and they picture us having sex.
An old lady once did me a fellatio, i remember it was in her car and i was on the passenger seat while she was at the drivers seat. That actually made more than sense at the time. I remember looking to myself at side mirror of the car while the performance was being done and thinking "yes jose, this is life..". Maybe she thought "life sucks" in all meanings.

I also thought today that i love sex and the city. Anyone who doesn't should really change partner or move to other place.

Bye now

Yes, im a bit worried cause im taking my car from uk to portugal this summer, and the steering thing is on the "wrong side". its all good for uk but when i get to france and stuff I wonder how will it be. My uncle told me i should be ok, and i trust him because hes a nice person and he wouldnt lie to me at least in what "driving with a car with the steering on the wrong side" is concerned. He lives in ireland, i went to visit him and my cousins, last week for the 1st time in 14 years. I do see them every year cause they go to portugal in the summer.
My uncle has such a nice job. He imports wines to ireland. I wouldnt be able to do that because of health problems.
I'm starting to think and actually practicing the idea of having to be sure that i want to go out and get drunk in a certain night, because sometimes it might not be worth the hangover pain. Also i look terrible when im hangover which is very depressing for me because im very vain. I was given a moisterizer or whatever u spell it, that i use on hangover and put on my face that gets all dry. Does this sound really gay? :O i dont care. gayness is nice, but gayness can stop you from doing all the people you want to, hence bisexuality.
Long car journeys always remind me of motels and truck driver getting prostitutes in the rooms and having sex with them. That must be really exciting. For both of them. You can never guess what a truck driver is willing to do. At least in portugal. You can expect to know how they will look like though, because they all look the same. I would be so depressed all the time if i was one. I would be forced to be fat, wear a cap and have a huge beer tummy, although i would get to do prostitutes in motels. I heard some of them are really comfortable (the motels). I also heard that some really cheap ones you have to like share bathroom with other people. That smells of sex to me. I picture a bathroom full of steam and people semi naked or sometimes naked walking around like with no problem. And then you would look at the showers which would only have a seethrough glass as a door and you would be able to at least see the shapes of everyones bodies. What a nice thought.
I like seeing people naked, specially if they are sexy. Non sexy people are also fun to see because their bodies are less predictable. huge tits is really nice. i dont like much when they have the niple thing very big though.
It now came to my mind the smell of shower gel that the previously referenced bathroom would have. I remember once in school, we had a football team in our class and we were gonna play against other team from other class in a school tournament. I entered the place you get dressed, i forget how you call it, and there was this smell of shower gel. No one ever showered there because it was so disgusting and so low classy. I walk in and see this naked guy there lol, dressing his purple slips. He was rediculous. I didnt get to know him almost but i knew he had a huge nose. Does that mean small or big penis? I didnt see his, i only saw his bumm, but i didnt think it was nice.
I checked internet and i think big nose means small pee pee. http://www.goyk.com/flash.asp?path=206

Bye now