Dear Santa,

I apologise for not taking the time to sit down and handwrite this, but I figured you'd no doubt notice it anyway, what with you being omnipresent. Or is that God? Oh, I don't suppose it matters, you're both about as real as each other. No doubt if I'm getting confused God will pass the message on.

I don't know if I've been good this year. I suppose if one considers this question in terms of the seven deadly sins, I have been guilty of the following at some point in the last twelve months:-

Lust - But surely if God didn't want us to lust he wouldn't have made all those lovely brunettes?
Gluttony - Probably drink mostly, although who can forget that time when I took advantage of the local pizza place's free 9" if you buy garlic bread with a 12". I mean, I live on my own for fuck's sake, how unneccessary was that? And I bloody ate them!
Sloth - Recently I spent about two weeks solid at work just playing Minesweeper because I couldn't be bothered working. I set some good times, mind. Also been a bit sloppy with the housework.
Wrath - I am quite a calm soul, but occasionally referees really get my goat.
Envy - Mostly related to lust...

By the way, I just took that list from Wikipedia, so those might not be the seven deadly sins at all. I mean, I haven't seen that film, so I don't have that as a reference.

So it hasn't been all bad, I mean, I don't think I could consider myself guilty of greed in the material sense, and what with my self-belief being largely non-existent these days I'm pretty sure pride isn't an issue either. Two out of seven ain't bad! I reckon that qualifies me for a couple of presents, although I recognise that the final say in the matter rests with you.

With that in mind, I would like some or all of the following:-

1) My football team to be top of the league at Christmas. If you could sort it for them to be top of the league in May as well that would be awesome. Is asking for the cup as well stretching it a bit?

2) I want Lovely Rita. That's not her real name but you know who I'm talking about. Remember and make a wee puncture in the wrapping paper so she can breathe. I like Rita so much that recently I almost asked her out. I was so close! I got as far as "Rita..." with the intention of following that up with some carefully rehearsed line that I'd been over in my head a hundred times, then lost my nerve and mumbled something like, "Ehhh...nothing, it doesn't matter." Smooth, son, very smooth. Rita's great. She is predictably, a brunette, she's charming, she's beautiful, has the most beautiful accent, and shares a number of interests with me, enough to make me think we could be great together if only I wasn't such a knob. But I suppose if she's great and I'm a knob, together we'd still come out about average, so I mean, you'd take that most days of the week, wouldn't you? Santa, I wouldn't ask for another Christmas present so long as I live - or, y'know, at least until the next Girls Aloud album is out - if you could sort this one for me.

3) I'd like a ticket for Lady Gaga (anywhere will do but not Glasgow, the date doesn't suit) plus accommodation and rail tickets, and if you could chuck in a bit of spending money for beer that'd be cool. I've been feeling a bit despondent recently but have found much comfort in music, it's like Marley (was it Jacob or Bob?) says: when it hits you, you feel no pain. I don't think that's entirely true but there's definitely something in there, whether it's listening to music or singing away to myself, it lifts the gloom. And since Lady Gaga is probably The Greatest Individual On The Bloody Blimey Planet just now I'd love to go and see her. I love Lady Gaga.

4) Think I may be pushing it a bit asking for a fourth present, so I'll just shove all the obligatory world peace bollocks in here, and if you get round to it, great. But just so we're clear, I'd rather have the Lady Gaga ticket.

I think that's it for this year. I'll be locking the whisky cupboard on Christmas Eve, so don't even fucking think about touching my single malts or next year I'll wait up and beat the shit out of you. You can make a cup of tea if you like - but only the PG Tips or something.

Cheers then,

Boy With The Thorn