BlueGirl (63)

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Likes: Cats, music, fountain pens, books, art, food, integrity. Dislikes: lies, cold bathroom tiles, early morning meetings, cancelled anything, Midnight Oil, old fruit. Not necessarily in that order. There's a bit more to me, but that's a start.

Journal of BlueGirl (63)

Thursday April 12, 07

Voice From the Past

11:27 AM

So, I thought I'd check in. Things have been really busy around here: new job, new boyfriend, did I mention my new job? It's been keeping me on my toes.

I'll be heading out to California on vacation with my guy. We're hitting Coachella and then will hit LA and SF for a few days. I contemplated attending the West Coast Moz shows, but since it's a co-vacation, I didn't feel like it'd be fair for me to ask him to give up two days of his time off to stand around in line. He's coming to two shows back East with me, so that'll be fun. If I'd been travelling alone, I'd probably have hit those concerts, but I'm sure Moz would understand. ;) I'm very sorry to miss a chance to see my West Coast friends, though. I've made some really wonderful friends out there over many tours. It'll be strange not to be part of the caravan.

I'd love to attend more Morrissey shows back home, but I'm going to be really busy with work around this time and it looks like I'll just have to be happy with the two shows I've got my tickets for already. It will be strange to hear Moz singing with so many strangers on stage. Boz is the last of the old guard, I guess. I think I won't be able to help missing the innocent days of the 99/00 tours and all its comraderie. The cold light of morning shows all the bumps and scars that neon hides and we must come to terms with a new understanding of reality. Times change, people change, I know, but I'm going to insist on nurturing my nostalgia. Those were happy times and part of me wishes it was all still so simple.

Thursday August 03, 06

Congress Voting on Library/School Internet Access Bill

11:00 AM

The House just passed H. R. 5319: Deleting Online Predators Act (DOPA) and now this bill is coming up before the Senate. The bill would ban access for minors to online communities like MySpace, messageboards, chatrooms and even blogging sites like Blogger and LiveJournal in all federally-funded schools and libraries across the U.S. (Two-thirds of American public libraries receive federal funds of some sort.)

There is nothing in the bill which states *how* access is to be denied to minors only, so it is possible that some public schools and libraries would ban these sites on their networks outright, thus denying access to *adults* using these public resources as well.

This ban is proposed in the name of keeping children and teens safe from sexual predators, but also would act as an effective socio-economic barrier to full internet access to those who don't own home computers and use public machines to get on the internet.

The ban would apply to all websites that fit this description:
(i) is offered by a commercial entity;
(ii) permits registered users to create an on-line profile that includes detailed personal information;
(iii) permits registered users to create an on-line journal and share such a journal with other users;
(iv) elicits highly-personalized information from users; and
(v) enables communication among users.'

This definition is sufficiently broad that it would keep minors in a public library from accessing information on shopping websites like and employment websites like, because both sites are commercial and allow users to create profiles containing personal information.

If passed into law, this ban will mean that thousands of young people will lose access to online information and networking opportunities that we all take for granted. In some cases, this ban would be taking money out of the pockets of tax-paying Americans by denying them access to money-saving online shopping discounts and the ability to research and apply for jobs online through popular employment networking websites. The Child Labor Coalition estimates that at least two-thirds of American high school students are legally employed, so this merits serious consideration.

The DOPA bill, as passed by the House, will not keep children safe. Parental involvement, education and adult supervision keep children safe. There are better ways to ensure the safety of our youth than what is proposed in the DOPA bill and our elected officials need to come up with a better solution than this. Everyone deserves access to the resources of the internet, not just those who can afford home computers. Please spread the word around and contact your senator to ensure that this bill does not get passed in the Senate.

How did your Representative vote?

The bill as it was passed on to the Senate in PDF Version.

Check on the status of this bill (enter HR5319 RFS in the search field) at the Library of Congress.

Some articles on this bill:
Guardian UK
PC Magazine
CBS News

Contact your senators:
Write to them. Get their contact info at
Or call them via the Capitol Switchboard: (202) 224-3121

Sign a petition:

Spread the word! Take some action!

Friday May 26, 06


12:59 AM

Read no further if you don't wish to see the smelly contents of my gut smeared across your screen.

Still there?

It's not too late...

You're either brave or bored. Ah well. I doubt you'll find anything here for you. This is just a selfish post- I'm purging here.

It's been a long time since I've been in love. Truly, deeply, madly in love. (Yes, that is the title of a film. Aren't you the clever one?) It's been years now. No need to go into how many. Isn't more than one just a damn shame? Especially when I have such a full heart? I like to think I'm picky. That with every guy I date, I'm narrowing down the applicant pool and figuring out more exactly who it is I'm seeking. What "quirks" I'm willing and able to put up with and what character flaws I'm not able to humor nor withstand.

I miss the connection I felt with the last man I loved. With all the men I've deeply loved. (They are but a handful.) I feel certain there's someone out there who will not only "get" me, but treasure all that I am. Who will be strong enough to love me. And ready. So many men I meet can't even love themselves. And so I've resolved just to live my life as fully as I can, but that doesn't mean I've forgotten or given up on love. As I wrote above, it's just been a while.

Every now and then in the course of my life, I've come across someone who seems to reverberate on the wavelength as my energy. We're drawn together very close, very quickly and it leaves everyone involved a little breathless. This is how all the great loves of my life have begun. Let me be very clear here: this energy, this connection is not love itself. Love comes with time and mutual experience. No, this is something that *precedes* love and is at a seemingly molecular level. I cherish this and appreciate its power. It is something that doesn't happen every day. It is something that I can't control. I believe it's a synthesis of my energy and that of the other individual, but I've never been able to harness this or guide it to a guy I fancy. Sometimes it's happened with someone and I've begged the powers that be to spare us the pain because it's all doomed from the start. (To no avail.) It just sort of spontaneously fires up and it's a bit of a wild ride. Those who are centered enough have hung on and we've had some very happy years. Those who weren't always seem to jump off too soon.

Recently, a previous acquaintance of mine came into this type of relationship with me. I never imagined it, and clearly, neither had he. This one- he's special. So special. So special that I have been a bit in awe that we connected the way we did. But he's not ready. I think I've known that on some level for several weeks, but thought time might resolve that. I was thinking surely I'm deep in his head the way that he's in mine, and he'll come around. This is too precious to walk away from! I am aware he has a lot of things to experience yet, before he'd be ready for a serious relationship and I was ready to let him do just that. I've never felt that the usual boundaries really hold much water unless all parties involved have agreed on them of their own volition. Trust means more than any of that and if there's love, trust comes easily and naturally. The rest works itself out.

We've had some incredible conversations in the past few weeks. Future events have been discussed as matter of factly as the present or past. There's just been this overwhelming sense of knowing, like everything he's telling me I already knew and vice versa. I don't have to translate for him. I don't have to explain. He knows. I know. The time we've spent together has been both intense and intensely enjoyable. The sum of our energies has been bigger than the halves.

But he doesn't call very often. Or write. And neither have I, because I sensed it was best not to do so. And so our meetings have been fewer than I'm used to having at this stage of things. And tonight, after asking me out earlier this week, he blew me off without so much as text message. That's gotta hurt, right? Honestly, I'm reeling right now. There might be a perfectly good reason for his silence, but I can't imagine one at the moment that would keep him from at least letting me know what was going on. A call. A message. A text.

Lately, if I close my eyes, I can smell him; I can taste him; I can even feel him, but I feel like when I wake up tomorrow, that'll all slip away. In fact it's already slipping away. Part of me doesn't want to go to sleep tonight. I don't want to wake up lonely, which is a very different thing from waking up alone.

I hate that he's seemingly chosen to throw this away and I can't help but feel that if we'd come together a few years from now, things would be very, very different. But, I've been wrong before and I'm sure this won't be the last time. Please, please, please let him call with an explanation that puts my churning gut to ease and doesn't leave me with a cold chill. That dreaded cold chill. Please.

Saturday May 13, 06

For the Record: Mar 12, 2006 12:48pm

11:22 AM

Something Beautiful

I decided that I should focus on something wonderful and share it with you, and maybe that will help stave off a funk.

Friday night, I went to Making Time to hear Hot Chip play. They were fantastic and I was psyched that I had a chance to catch them in the intimacy of that small nightclub, because the next time they're in town, I'm sure they'll be playing a huge venue. Right after their set, I bumped into an old friend I don't see around so much any more. We chatted and caught up, which was wonderful. Suddenly we were sucked onto the dancefloor by Benny Benassi's "Satisfaction". We never left. K is one of the best dancers I know and we just danced all night long, breaking only to switch rooms and leaving once to go get water and dump off my glasses and camera bag. K is incredibly strong and kept lifting me up over his head like I was a tiny slip of a thing. It was utterly exhilarating and we had so much fun dancing all night.

I'd somehow missed dinner and so afterwards we decided to grab a quick bite at the diner. On our way, we saw a really drunk girl being handled by two guys. We decided to make sure she really knew them and that the situation was safe. As we got closer, we realized that we both knew her. We went up to them and got involved. The two guys had just met her that night and so K and I kind of took over and got her home safely. We all sat with her for a while and I made her drink some water. She finally fell asleep and so we got her on her side and tucked in under a blanket. We escorted the guys out of her place and I couldn't help but think what might have happened if we hadn't come along. The one guy joked about fooling around with her about 3 times too many for my liking. I'm looking forward to seeing this girl out and about, safe and sound.

We continued on towards the diner. We passed a girl crying on her cell phone and carrying an open can of Sparks. Not good. We asked if she was ok, and she told us her friend had kicked her out of her own apartment to have sex. Nice. It was at least 4am at this point. After figuring out that she was just wandering the streets alone, we asked her to join us in going to the diner. She was a nice kid. An art student having a bad night. We hung out for a few hours and walked her back to her place after her friend finally called to see where she was. I hope she gets things straightened out.

After that, we played on K's computers and just talked for a couple of hours. He showed me some stuff I hadn't seen and I shared a few things, too. In addition to being a really great guy, K is really smart and an incredible artist and I sat in awe of his latest work. Yesterday morning was pure heaven to a geek like me.

So, I'm lucky to have such amazing friends. People who are not only fun to be with, but strong enough of character to get involved when it matters. Friday night/Saturday morning stand in such strong contrast to what went down this morning. I know which I'd rather choose to repeat and which needs to be cut out of my life. It's sad to me that we're not all on the same path, because I really thought we were. I hope I'm right next time.

For the Record: March 12, 2006 11:10am

11:20 AM

Going Cold

I don't think there's anything worse than being lied to by somebody you care about. Other than being lied to more when they attempt to lie away the first lie. It creates this giant sucking psychic wound that pulls all of the air out of the room and overtakes all sound with its gasping.

When this happens, it makes my skin go cold and that seeps down through my body straight into my bones, leaving me to shake. This doesn't happen all that often, because I take care to surround myself with trustworthy folk who don't play such games. But every now and then somebody gets into my inner circle who really throws me for a horrible loop like this.

The thing that's really sad/ironic about these situations is that the lies were in most cases unnecessary. Simple communication would have saved the day; I'm a pretty understanding person. In the other cases, those lies opened my eyes to previous instances of subterfuge that I'd overlooked and suddenly left me realizing that I'd been mistreated for quite a while. Not a good feeling.

If there's one person on earth who understands the need for time alone for reflection, it's me. The irony of what transpired this morning isn't lost on me, even now. It blows my mind that I woke up just a couple of hours ago, looking forward to this day and am left feeling so cold and disappointed before I've even changed out of my bathrobe.

I really saw this day going differently.

For the Record: Mar 2, 2006

11:20 AM


...that is all. Just remember, you saw it here first.


For the Record: Feb 25, 2006

11:19 AM

Sunny Road

Quiet day. Just thought I'd share the lyrics to one of my favorite songs.

Sunny Road- Emiliana Torrini

Wrote you this
I hope you got it safe
It's been so long
I don't know what to say
I've travelled 'round
Through deserts on my horse
But jokes aside
I want to come back home

You know that night
I said I had to go
You said you'd meet me
On the sunny road

It's time, meet me on the sunny road
it's time, meet me on the sunny road

I never married
Never had those kids
I loved too many
Now heaven's closed its gates

I know I'm bad
To jump on you like this
Some things don't change
My middle name's still 'Risk'

I know that night
So long, long time ago
Will you still meet me
On the sunny road

It's time, meet me on the sunny road
It's time, meet me on the sunny road

Well, this is it
I'm running out of space
And here's my address
And number just in case

This time as one
We'll find which way to go
Now come and meet me
On the sunny road

For the Record: Feb 18, 2006

11:18 AM

Hey You Guuuuuuuuuuuuys!!!

There's an Electric Company DVD! (Manchester-obsessed, I said "Electric Company"- as in the kids show- not Electric Factory. No Joy Division here.) Check out the MP3s and the links from here:

How awesome!

For the Record: Feb 13, 2006

11:17 AM

On the Verge

        There are points in one's life where one senses big changes just over the horizon, much like I smelled the snow coming Friday night. (It really, really smelled like snow. It then snowed about a foot and a half here this weekend.) I'm at one of those points right now. Things are going to be happening in the next few weeks- big things, if all goes according to plan. I'd like to thank my friends and family for supporting me in so many ways in the past year and I hope that-once the dust settles- I can start making it up to all of you.

Things that are good (vs. 02132006.1)
1. Warm socks
2. Kisses that make you see stars
3. Cookie dough
4. Breathing in on a clear winter night
5. Hope, promise, possibilities
6. Making someone you love laugh
7. Playing the only album that just makes sense in that moment
8. Finding a lost favorite earring
9. Reconnecting with old friends and making new ones
10. This one left blank for good luck.

For the Record: Feb 8, 2006

11:17 AM

Sit on it.

'Just took a difficult phone call. I've been kind of MIA lately and I should probably explain that.

1. I've been really honing in on my job search, to the exclusion of most everything else. A gig I thought I had in the bag has fallen through due to bureaucracy crap. Gonna' take a job soon, even if it's something I know I'll hate. Because of #2...

2. I'm really, really broke and can't really go out much. I have to run where it's cheap. Not an easy thing in this city! Now that gas is so expensive, I have to take that into consideration with driving in and out of the city costing so much. I can only drive into the city a couple of times a week. I am used to having money to do the things I want to do and I'm really frustrated right now.

3. I'd sort of gotten back together with someone from my past and was pointlessly wasting time there. I broke up with him and now that's done for good. Never get back together. What was wrong before still will be, no matter how many other things are right. Now matter how many promises he makes that things will be different. I totally deserve better. Dude sapped my energy for long enough. I will not be getting involved in *anything* even vaguely romantic until the rest of my shit is in order.

4. Winter doldrums. Honestly, I've been snuggling under a blanket and doing lots of reading, writing and music listening at night. Don't I kind of do this every January to some extent? I guess I normally make more phone calls, though. Sorry. Anyway...

All this leads to me not "reaching out" a whole lot, to use an already over-utilized consultant phrase. Honestly, I feel terrible about it, but I realize my resources are limited right now and that's how it has to be.

So, I've got stuff on my mind. There's lots to do and I need to make it happen. Please don't take my silence personally. Once I turn things around here, I'll be back. Count on it.

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