I've been having sleepless nights. Nights are the worst for me. My mind races and goes through every worse case scenario. I hate when it starts to get dark now. It used to be quite the opposite. I used to wait for the night to come. I used to get a lot of things done. I also used to wait for everyone in the house to fall asleep so I would be able to self injure without getting caught. Now that I don`t do that anymore I have nothing to look forward to at night. Since I don`t self injure anymore I have to sit with those unpleasant feelings. My self injury used to be my only relief. It was definitely a release for me. I guess it worked for a time for many reasons. Like I wrote before it was a way to release everything that I couldn`t say out loud out as I tend to keep things bottled up inside. It was also a way to wake up and prove that I was alive. I sometimes felt so numb that I couldn`t feel anything happiness or sadness. I would see the result of my self injury and could say yes I AM STILL ALIVE.
I don`t remember making a choice to stop self injuring. I guess it just happened to go that way. It`s been quite a while now. Sometimes I miss it and sometimes I look down at scars and think "How could you do that to yourself? ". I said before that I don`t remember making the decision to stop and I really have a faint memory of how I started. I sort of remember scratching myself with my nails and I guess that`s how I began . I really don`t remember how I decided to use broken glass, razor blades and cigarette and candle lighters to hurt myself. I really don`t remember either how hurting myself became an acceptable form of relief for me. Now I really wish I hadn`t done that to myself. I hate having to explain my scars. I usually just say it was an accident. Most people are satisfied with that answer. I`m really ashamed for doing that to myself.
I saw my psychiatrist this week and it went okay. He thinks I am socially isolated and thinks I should try to do more to change that. He wants me to a mental health center with other mentally ill people. I've gone before but I`m so quiet and to myself that it really didn`t make a difference. I said that I would try it again though. He also wants me to go to therapy which I've also tried before but I didn`t find it to be that helpful. I also said I would try that again. I`m just not sure about all of this at all. I guess I`m just tired of being tired and tired of being me.
I've been like this for years now. Ill that is. When I was first treated for mental illness I was treated for depression and anxiety. Now my diagnosis is bipolar 2 with panic disorder. I feel my depression more than hypomania. I've read a lot of people with bipolar 2 are also that way. I've also dealt with an eating disorder and self injury. For years I've been dealing with all of this. With bipolar it`s a lifelong thing. Now it`s a new year. I`m always hoping for a fresh start. I`m always hoping things will change one day. I would like things to change but I don`t know where to start.
First I would like to sleep better. I haven`t been able to sleep without meds for years. This is how it goes for me. If I don`t take my meds no sleep if I do take them too much sleep. I won`t lie about this but sometimes I like the sleeping too much part. When I`m not feeling especially well it makes the time when I have to awake and dealing with my depression and anxiety pass faster. I really don`t talk about my mental illness with too many people . I just tend to keep things inside of me most of the time. My psychiatrist wants me to try therapy again but I really don`t want to. I tried it and I felt it quite useless. Maybe it`s because I`m more of a listener than a talker. I really just found therapy completely unpleasant. At least I don`t deal with my feelings like I used to. Self injury used to be my release but I don`t do that anymore even though sometimes I`m really tempted to especially when I`m feeling really unwell.
I would like some good changes this year. I would like to be more self reliant. I`m scared to but I`d really like to learn to drive so I wouldn`t have to depend on anybody and so I could help out more. My anxiety seems to make that goal impossible for me most of the time though. I do still have things in life I`d like to accomplish but sometimes I think it`s too late and that the time for those things have passed. Maybe things will change this year and maybe they won`t . My only mistake is I`m hoping......
I don`t remember the exact time I discovered this thing. This thing that made me feel better. This thing that brought me this strange form of relief. Even I know it`s a strange thing to do to yourself. It`s also weird that doing that to yourself takes you (temporarily) away from what`s going on in your head. It makes you feel better for a few moments. You think it helps you when in reality it hurts you. It leaves those ugly scars behind. Your wounds may heal but those scars will never fade.
I haven`t done it for a long time. I still have my box of tools though. It's a simple plastic box that contains my tools and the things I would need to clean up and bandage my wounds. I kept those things because even though I was harming myself I was afraid of infection and ending up at the doctor. I read horror stories online about how people like myself had been horribly treated when they showed up with self inflicted wounds. Also I just didn`t want to explain my scars and wounds. I`m still paying the price for what I used to do for myself . I 've now had to explain my scars many times.
I don`t know why I have held on to that box. I certainly don`t use it anymore. Maybe I hold on to it because I`m afraid I might need it again someday. Even though I don`t use what`s inside of that box anymore I still think about it. I still miss it sometimes. I look at certain objects like razor blades and lighters and think about what I used to do to myself with them. Like I said before it`s strange but I miss the relief they used to bring me.
I used to wait until everyone was asleep to hurt myself because I was afraid to get caught hurting myself. I kept it a secret for a while. Then my Mom and my older sister found out. I later told my psychiatrist. But anyway the night time was when I looked forward to the momentary relief this brought me. I don`t look forward to the night anymore. I started to get panic attacks at night and now I hate it. When it starts to get dark that`s when I feel the worst. Now I just pray and take my meds and hope to fall asleep as soon as possible. Perhaps I 'll feel better in the morning.
I 've had trouble sleeping for a long time now. I have probably written before that I can`t sleep without the help of meds. I have racing thoughts and they seem to get worse at night. During the day there are distractions. Like errands I have to run and household things that need to get done. Nights I sit in my bedroom and watch TV. Nights are the worst for me because that`s when I feel the loneliest. It`s quieter at night but my thoughts grow louder at night. They go from very unwanted , intrusive thoughts to sillier things like making up lists about a certain thing or another. They just don`t let me rest or relax. When I lay my head down on pillow at night to rest these thoughts keep me up . They keep me up all night if I don`t take my meds. If I have taken my meds I just try to be patient and wait for them to kick in. I think my insomnia comes mostly from my condition. Racing thoughts are a part of bipolar disorder and they keep me up at night. Insomnia is also part of it. I really envy people that can just lay down at night and fall asleep. I have a hard time remembering when I could do that.
Meds help me sleep but sometimes I think they make me sleep too much that`s why sometimes I don`t take. Sometimes I need to get things done early and my medication prevents me from doing that. There was a time when I used to sleep only every other day. Then the next day I would sleep all day. That makes it pretty difficult to get things accomplished.
I hate what this illness has done to me. I`m a total loser because of it and I hate myself. I wish I could accomplish something good and make my family proud. I wish I could make them not worry about me. They deserve much more than I can give them. This is what makes me saddest of all the fact that I`ve done nothing at all with my life and I`m just a waste of space . That`s what I think of myself. My family may have not always understood this illness but they have educated themselves and now they understand me better. They try to help me and they do help me. I love them all so much I just wish I could do better.
It`s been a few years now since I last self injured. I still wear the marks it left. The scars are still there reminding me of what I did to myself. All the time I dragged the razor or scissors or a jagged piece of broken glass across my arm or the times I used cigarette lighters to burn myself. Sometimes I can`t believe what I`ve done to myself and I am disgusted by what I see when I look at my scars. Other times I miss the relief it used to bring. That moment when I could breathe again. I still fight the urge when things get bad again. But then I remember the price I payed for those little moments of peace. Or what I thought was peace or relief. I`m sad to say I can`t remember the last time I felt peace. My mind is always racing. That`s probably why I need medication just to sleep.
I used to think of the marks as battle scars. Now I think they are just ugly and they remind me of what led to me doing that to myself. The awful depression. That awful depression still lives within me. I feel it always with me. If I find myself having a good moment there is always something that taps me on the shoulder and reminds me that is still there with me. I hate it. I hate it so much. It has stolen so much from me. I often wonder what my life would be like without it. I feel so useless and worthless. I hate myself.
This week has been difficult. I could barely drag myself out of bed yesterday. I just didn`t have the will to get up and face another day. In fact getting by day by day is really difficult for me. Just simple everyday things feel like a monumental tasks for me. I`m always so tired and have no energy. Even though I`m always so tired it takes pills to make me sleep. No meds means no sleep for me. This has gone on for years now. I can`t see an end to this. It feels like this illness has been with me forever. I can`t remember what I was like before this took over me.
I miss the release I used to get with my former coping method. I guess that`s why I keep my old tools around. They are there in case I might need them again. I guess it`s my safety net. I stopped hurting myself a few years ago. I mostly stopped because I thought I might end up in the mental hospital if I kept doing it. I also stopped because I hated all of my ugly scars and I didn`t want any more of those. It was also a chore to keep my wounds hidden and to lie about why I was wearing long sleeves in the middle of summer. I`m mostly glad I stopped self harming but like I said before I miss the release.
I try to cope with my illness by listening to a lot of music. That seems to help me a bit. I also like to be creative and make things. Sometimes that helps. Sometimes nothing helps. When nothing seems to help I take my meds and try to sleep it away and hope things will be better when I wake up. My family keeps me going too. My mom is always supportive as are my great sisters. My nieces and nephews are also fun. My 12 year old niece has great taste in music and she says`s it`s mostly because of me so that makes me proud . I do have things that I am very grateful for. I know some people have it worse than me. I guess this illness just steals the joy from my heart and I can`t help but wish that things were different and I wasn`t ill. I wonder if my life would be different.
I feel numb. I`m not sure if it`s the meds or not. I feel empty inside. I don`t seem capable of much these days. I look in the mirror and all I see is emptiness in my eyes. My body feels exhausted all the time. This illness takes so much from me. I don`t see my purpose in life. I don`t feel alive.
I do have things I am grateful for like my family. It isn`t perfect but whose is? I feel guilty for feeling so down. I know that there are people that have it much harder than me. But I guess that mental illness doesn`t care who you are. It takes whoever it wants down . I don`t know if it would matter much if I`d never been born. I`m not married. I don`t have any children. Do I matter? I don`t know. All I know is I`m tired of feeling like this. I`m surrounded by my family but sometimes I feel so alone.
I do love my family and would never do anything to hurt them. I sometimes just feel like I don`t have anything left to give anymore. I`ve been living like this for a very long time and sometimes I don`t know if I can stand it one more minute. I keep going because I don`t want to hurt anyone. I just feel so useless and like I don`t deserve anything. It`s an awful thing to be tormented by your own thoughts. I want to know what it feels like to be free of this. I just want to be free.
My week didn`t start out so well. I started the new med my psychiatrist prescribed to me last week and it didn`t agree with me. It made me sick to my stomach. I won`t be taking that again. When I saw him last week he also prescribed something that would help my anxiety during the day. I took it today and it made me feel tired. I also take it at night. My meds tend to make me sleep a lot and if I don`t take them I don`t sleep at all. I think they make me feel numb and lifeless or maybe it`s the illness itself. I don`t know.
When I`m feeling my worst sleeping too much doesn`t matter much to me . Sometimes sleep is the only escape from my mind. The same goes for feeling numb. At least I`m not feeling the pain. I think that`s one of the reasons I used to self harm. I wanted to feel alive. At the moment I don`t feel alive I just feel like I`m existing. I feel dull and lifeless.
I have a plastic box where I kept my self harm tools. My tool of choice were razor blades. I also used broken glass,craft knives ect.. I even used cigarette and candle lighters to hurt myself. Anyway I also kept bandages and gauze and medical tape in there to tend to my wounds. I still have that plastic box and a package of fresh blades in a dresser drawer . I don`t know why I`ve kept them . They all just tempt me to go back and start that again.
I passed by the candle lighters in the store and I was tempted to buy one. I wonder if the temptation is ever going to go away or am I always going to long for that release. I`m not going to lie I miss that release. I could breath free and easy after that . I usually went to sleep after that. Sleep doesn`t usually come easy for me without meds. Of course there is a price to pay for that. Just ask my scars. I hate them. I hate what I`ve done to myself and I have to live with it every day.
I don`t know what I`m going to do. I don`t know what to do. My body and mind are exhausted. I want to feel something other than this, I don`t want to be numb but I don`t want to hurt anymore. I want happiness and I want my life to be meaningful. I just don`t know how to achieve that with this illness. Sometimes I think it`s too late and that life has passed me by.
I think I`ve written before about my anxiety coming on when it gets dark outside. It used to be different with me. A couple of years or so I only used to sleep about every other night. I had/have really bad insomnia. Now I do sleep every night that`s if I take my meds. No meds means no sleep. Anyway I used to be a real night owl. But that changed when I had awful panic attacks hit me at night. I came to dread the night. I guess I still kind of do. I hate it when it gets dark in the evening.
I also used to hate going to bed. As I lay my head down to try to sleep that`s when all these awful thoughts would invade my brain. I couldn`t shut off my brain. It`s kind of like that during the day too my racing thoughts. I would just pray for the medication to kick in so I could get some sleep.
The night was also when I would self harm. I would wait until everyone was asleep so I wouldn`t be caught or interrupted. I knew it wasn`t a very healthy way to cope but at the time it was the only way I could release everything I was holding on to inside. It let me breathe for a little while. I know it`s difficult to understand why someone would do that to themselves. It was the only way I could express what I was feeling at the time. I really scared my family when they found out. After they found out my mother hid all the knives in the house. I felt really humiliated when she did that but I don`t blame her at all because she was just frightened that one day I would go to far. She was afraid I was suicidal. I`m not going to lie I did think about because I just wanted the pain and torment inside of my head to just end.
I don`t self harm anymore. I haven`t for a couple of years now. I still feel like I don`t have any way to release what`s going on inside of me. Maybe writing about it helps a little bit. I`m the kind of person that doesn`t want to talk about it. That`s probably why I hated therapy so much. I don`t like talking about it. I don`t know why that is. I`ve never been a talkative person. It`s sometimes difficult for me to make conversation with those I really don`t know. I guess I`m a pretty awkward person. I guess this and drawing a little bit are the only ways I can really express myself.
Anyway that`s why the night is a difficult time for me.
I can`t help feel that way tonight. I was just sitting here and a feeling of dread washed over me. I have my family and I love them but I can`t help feeling so lonely. When it gets dark it gets worse . I hate the night. My day went well enough but these awful feelings take over at night. I feel so unhappy. At times it feels like there isn`t any relief.
I feel that I don`t serve any purpose in this life. I am nothing, no one. I sometimes wonder why I was put on this earth. I feel depressed most of the time and when I`m not feeling depressed I am irritable. I take the meds but I really don`t know if they are really doing anything. I really don`t have a social life except for one friend I`ve had since high school. I leave the house so infrequently that my psychiatrist prescribed vitamin d for me. I am sad and empty at the same time. My coping mechanisms are unhealthy . I have no way to release these feelings so they stay stuck inside me. They tell me how useless I am and what a nothing I am.
I have to take pills to sleep at night. It`s extremely difficult to sleep without them. It`s been like this for years and I don`t see it changing anytime soon. My thoughts race and I toss and turn if I don`t take those pills. My thoughts are filled with dread and I worry about everything under the sun. It`s all worse at night.
I don`t know why I am writing all this right now. I guess I just want all of it to go away and leave me alone. I want peace of mind most of all. I think of all the time that has passed and I think of what might of been if I had not become ill. What would my life be like right now ? Would I be happy ?
All this sometimes makes me want to turn to my old way of coping. I know that won`t solve anything though. It is only a temporary fix that doesn`t last very long. I miss it though as strange as that is to say. It did make me feel better for a moment.
I think I`ll go to bed in a little while. Sometimes sleep is my only escape.
I still do. I feel so lonely in this illness. I celebrated a nice Thanksgiving with my family but I couldn`t help feeling lonely even surrounded by family.The thing is I felt alone because my sisters all have their spouses and kids and I don`t have any of that. I know that I don`t need anybody to feel complete but I still feel so lost and alone. Maybe I was made to be alone. They say there`s a lid for every pot but it hasn`t happened for me. Maybe I`m just destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I think my illness has taken all this away from me. It`s already taken my possibilities and dreams. I really don`t expect to much from life anymore. Maybe I`ve given up. I`ve probably done this to myself. I never put myself out there because of fear of getting hurt .It`s my fault I guess. I`ve just never felt good enough for anybody. I`ve always figured nobody ever would want me because I`m defective . My brain is defective and nobody is going to love someone like that.
I`ve written that I`ve stopped my self harm and I have but sometimes I miss it.I know that`s a sick thing to say but I do. It used to be like a friend to me. When I was holding things inside and just needed a release it was there for me. When I was feeling just awful it was there for me. I miss that feeling of relief that it gave me. I think I`ve found some healthier alternatives to self harm though. Sometimes I just get lost in music and sometimes I write or draw. Writing seems to help get some of these things out of my head. Sometimes my mind races and I can`t concentrate and it`s hard to get anything out. My mind usually races at night when I`m trying to go to sleep. That`s why I hate the night now. I also hate the night because it`s when I feel the most alone. My psychiatrist even asked me if I was afraid of the night I said no but maybe sometimes I am.
I feel sad most of the time I think. Other times I feel empty or numb.Other times I feel irritated or impulsive. They say I am bipolar 2. And bipolar 2 people it has been said spend most of time on the depressive side of the picture. I have experienced hypomania though. And my doc says I am a rapid cycler. When I`ve experienced hypomania I have been told that I talk to fast and I`m impulsive. I`m usually a quiet person who doesn`t talk very much. I`m much more of a listener .The impulsive thing still gets me when I`m experiencing depression or emptiness. I try to do things to make me feel better and sometimes I do them without thinking about it.
They say this illness is a life long thing. I wonder if I will feel like this forever. I don`t ask much from life. I just want to feel happy someday.
I think I hate this feeling of emptiness more than the depression. No....I think I hate both equally. I feel so empty inside right now. I wonder what my being on this earth is for. I feel like I don`t contribute anything. I feel so worthless. I am nothing ,nobody . Sometimes it takes everything inside of me just to get of bed and do normal everyday things. It`s a struggle when all you want to do all day is lay in bed and stare at the wall.
I wonder how long this will go on. How long will I have to live like this. They say I`m bipolar so I guess it`s a life long thing. But I`ve read that some people have normal moods during certain periods of their life.I`m bipolar 2 . I`ve also read that people with bipolar 2 spend more time in depression rather than hypomania. I am living with depression right now at this moment. But sometimes I cycle to irritability. Yes I do have my okay days but I also have my very bad days. I still enjoy things like music and reading (though my concentration sucks and I have difficulty getting through books sometimes). Some days it`s difficult to even enjoy the things I love . Some days the things I love are the only thing that gets me through the day.
I do count my blessings. I`m lucky I have a family that helps me. I don`t know where I would be without them. At first they didn`t totally understand all the things that mental illness includes. But they have learned to understand it more and more. And I am totally grateful for them. My Mother has always been the most supportive and understanding. And I have my dogs that always give me their unconditional love.
Sometimes it`s hard to live inside this brain. Some days anything will bring me to tears and some days I feel I would like to jump out of my skin. Sometimes I wonder if I went off all the meds would it make a difference? To be honest I probably wouldn`t get much sleep without them. I can`t help but feel so alone and lonely in this. I hate when the night comes. When it gets dark it makes my depression feel even worse.When I lay my head on the pillow my mind just races.It goes over and over all the things I`ve done . That is the worse time of the day for me. I wonder if I will ever just enjoy life.
I never thought my life would end up this way when I was growing up.Yet here I am.
I started to become ill in my twenties. I didn`t know what was happening to me at first. I thought I must be going crazy. Turns out it was all too true. I can`t tell you how scary it was. It was/still is awful to be inside my head. I could barely stand it some days .I didn`t really want to die but I didn`t want to go on like I was. I just wanted the pain and anxiety and fear to go away.
I didn`t go to a doctor until I was forced to.It wasn`t until my Mom heard me making myself sick that I was forced to go.That was another problem I had.Making myself sick after I ate. I haven`t done that in quite awhile. The self harm .... is another problem that started because of my illness. I guess I did because I`m not a very talkative person and I tend to keep things on the inside. I guess hurting myself was sort of a way to let those things out. It started out with me just scratching myself on the arms then progressed to me using broken glass,scissors,craft knives and then I would just use razor blades. I also used lighters and matches to burn myself. I told my psychiatrist about this.He told me I was self destructive and that maybe I should go to some place to get better. He also told me after trying a variety of meds that I should maybe try ECT. When he told me that I though to myself I must be really messed up.
I`m still here years later. I`m still taking meds and seeing a psychiatrist .That wanted me to do therapy. I tried it for the second time a couple of years ago I guess.I didn`t care for it. The depression was really beating down on me. I hated being in my skin and I just hated talking about. The place where I go to be treated just called me on Friday they want me to join their center for mentally ill people.I guess they have different kinds of things to do there. I really don`t want to go. Most of the time I don`t really like to even leave the house. I wake up and I can hardly get out of bed some days. I just want to crawl back in bed and stay there. I guess I keep trying because I wouldn`t want to hurt my family. I just keep trying though sometimes I just want to quit. I`m still here
I`m not sure when I accepted that I will never have some things in life that most people have.I just have accepted that fact.I don`t know if that`s giving up or being realistic.I know it`s mostly my fault.I was always too scared of everything.Afraid of rejection and afraid of being judged by other people.I was/am always scared of being hurt.That is a terrible way to live.
This illness certainly hasn`t made things easier.I have my bad days and I have my okay days.But it`s really difficult to deal with this a great deal of the time.I go from feeling really sad and wanting to cry about everything to not being able to feel anything.At those times I feel really empty and numb.Then sometimes I also have to deal with being hypo manic.Sometimes that feels good and I just want to do everything.Those times have been few and far between.I mostly deal with the depression side of this illness.At times I haven`t any motivation and have a hard time getting of bed.I don`t want to go out or anything I just want to stay in bed.Then there`s the thoughts that torment me.They just like to tell me about every bad thing that could happen.They bother me the most at night when I am trying to get to sleep.Sleep is another story.I haven`t been able to get to sleep without meds in a very long time.
Sometimes I wonder what my purpose in life is.I feel like I don`t matter.I wonder why I was put here on this earth.Sometimes I hate myself because they`re are other people who have it worse that I do.What right do I have to feel this way.I know this illness isn`t my fault but I can`t help feeling that way.I want to feel better and get on with life but sometimes I can`t see the light at the end of the tunnel.Anyway where do I start?
I used to take comfort from that package of razor blades tucked away in the one of the drawers.That package is still there.I still have them but I don`t take comfort in that anymore.I haven`t done it in a long time and I promised someone that I wouldn`t do it again.Funnily enough I sometimes miss it.It used to be my friend.The one I could turn to when I neeeded relief and release.Now that I don`t have it I have no relief.It just churns and burns inside of me..That`s why I miss it.I sometimes want it back but I don`t want what it leaves behind.It`s ugly and it makes me ashamed.Ashamed of what I`ve done to myself.A permanent mark that`s with me forever.Still I miss my old friend.
Separate names with a comma.