"Life itself is only a vision, a dream."
"Nothing exists save empty space and you"
~Mark Twain, The Mysterious Stranger, Chapter IX~
"...In antiphonal azure swing, souls drone their unfinished melody...when did we live and when did we not?"
~James Dean in a letter to Barbara Glenn~
Sing me to sleep...
"Jimmy could turn people off, and those who weren't his friends had little time and effort to spend dealing with it. "Of course Jimmy had his reasons for what he did."
"Jimmy wasn't a very social human being, or a nice person to a lot of people, and some people approached him with a chip on their shoulder, trying to prove they would find what they didn't like in Jimmy. "
"Jimmy was not good at reaching out, and you just knew that anything could be mistaken for a rejection. I felt like I was walking on eggshells at the beginning of our relationship because I so didn't want to disturb him. He was so frightened of anything that was extended, of letting people in. He'd show you some of himself, you'd really share something, and then you'd feel him backing off, and about an hour later coming to grips with himself. Like, 'Why did I do that?' ' Is it alright that I did that?' 'Will she use it against me?'"
"He was incredibly vulnerable is what I'm trying to say. Yet people were always giving me advice like, 'What are you doing with him? He's the sickest boy I ever met...' 'You'd better keep away from him, he's sick...' No one ever said, 'Oh, Jimmy, yeah I know Jimmy,' and left it at that. No, sir, people either loved him or got violently angry about him. It was very flipped out and he knew it. He sensed his isolation, though he would often cause it."
Quotes by Barbara Glenn
From: The Mutant King by David Dalton, 1974
"James Dean revealed the subtle light which rests so eloquently on everyone, and as we follow his sleight of hand, we wonder how it ever managed to be so elusive. Like everything intimate, remote and transforming, when all was nearly apparent, he disappeared, leaving only his iridescent traces. This was James Dean's magical capacity."
"Stardom gave an indestructible aspect to "James Dean," but it was the deceptive ordinariness of his creation and the very casualness with which he adopted it that made him so believable and effective. There is an averageness, an almost statistical norm, a boy-next-doorness about his causal delinquent, and almost as much as Tom Sawyer as there is of Cain. Jimmy spawned a collective individuality, a fashionable non-conformity that would in turn generate the trendy freaks of the sixties and fantasmaphoric punks of the seventies. Demonstrating the syntax for a new sensibility, Jimmy codified and canonized a new teenage wardrobe, and he gave adolescence a face - his face."
~From The Mutant King by David Dalton, 1974
~ Photo by Dennis Stock
"I'm a serious-minded and intense little devil, terribly gauche and so tense I don't see how people stay in the same room with me. I know I wouldn't tolerate myself."
My beautiful boy died peacefully this morning in my arms. I am shattered.
He was in hospital all day yesterday. Bloodwork showed high calcium levels. This morning, x-rays revealed fluid/blood in his lungs. We did everything we could, but the cancer, which no one is sure where it originally developed, had metastasized and was pushing his lungs forward. This is all very sudden and I am in shock. He was fine last week. Normal acting, running around, chasing his brother, begging for treats, and then suddenly...gone. I took him back to the animal hospital this morning after still showing signs of not wanting to eat and having also stopped drinking water.
Alex was diagnosed with Asthma when he was nearly a year old. He's had constant veterinarian care all of his life, and signs of cancer never showed up until Wednesday when he became so very ill. From there he went down hill quickly.
I am in utter shock. I cannot stop sobbing. I feel absolutely lost and empty without him.
September 1, 2004 - May 22, 2016
Sleep peacefully, sweet boy. I'll see you again soon.
This past week my little Alex fell very ill. He will not eat and he is very lethargic. He isn't interested in any of his favorite toys, treats or even a bowl of Tuna. He loves Tuna. He just looks at whatever I put in front of him and then looks away. On Wednesday I took him to the vet and she looked him over very well but couldn't find a thing physically wrong with him. He is drinking water, thank goodness, but I'm scared he's starving to death.
She sent me home with a slew of things to try, including little sprinkles to put on his food to coax him into eating, but that hasn't worked. I've tried Pepcid, 1/4 of 10mg, but that hasn't helped either. She is supposed to call me tomorrow and if he's not well by Monday, I have to take him back in for bloodwork and x-rays.
Please send positive vibes his way. Thanks.
A sleepless night
Beautiful moonlit sky
Though shadows embrace
As I fight to break free
Flee to the car
Speeding against the howling wind
And the ghost of you
Smiles as danger
Liquid dreams flow
Mercury rises slow
As the morning dew
Wet against my ankles
Is cold and crippling
In the park where you left me
A basket full of treats
For you to keep...
So, Christmas this year for me meant time to relax. I shopped a total of two hours the whole season - if that. I bought my mom a beautiful Mother of Pearl moon shaped pendant necklace (she's always referring to herself as a moon child, so...) a bottle of Chanel No. 5, and a few other odds and ends. I received many lotions, candles, essential oils, a pair of really comfortable pajamas, etc., etc.
It was nice.
Last night I gave my cats their stockings. This happens every year. Well, good grief, they are my furry little children, after all...
Getting their stockings!
Apparently, Alex decided that he wanted Chance's stocking...
But, Chance was cool about it all. And he ended up with the laser light, by far the most awesome toy in the bag...
He soon realized it wasn't so bad after all!
As for me, well, I'm ready to go back to sleep now. I spent a few hours with my family earlier today. It was great seeing everyone - especially my niece and nephew. I think this is the warmest Christmas I've ever had in my life. Nearly 75° out today! Who can hate that?? I was supposed to have tomorrow off, but no such luck. Blah. I only have to stay for five hours, though, so no big deal, I guess. Hopefully I'll still have my Sunday.
It is hard to believe that my little Alex is 11 years old. I remember the day I adopted him. He was sitting in between his two sisters just staring at me. Love at first sight for both of us! I picked him up and took him straight home. He was only six weeks old.
When Alex was about seven months old, he started having terrible coughing spells. It really scared the hell out of me, as it would anyone, of course. I took him to the vet and he was diagnosed with feline asthma. The vet said that even though it wasn't a bad case, it could be dangerous, so they started giving him a steroid shot that day.
For most of his life he's been getting this shot two to three times a year. Recently, however, I've had to take him in every two and a half months! And these coughing spells really exhaust him, so I have to immediately get him to a vet. There's no waiting around. This morning, though, he woke me up early coughing. We had to wait a couple of hours before we could get to his doctor. She gave him his shot, but I was so upset and Alex was drained of all his energy by then. I asked her what I could do for him so this never happens again. I've been a little worried about the shots, anyway, because I've read they can cause diabetes in cats. So, she prescribed Theophylline 100mg. once every evening and then Prednisolone 5mg for when symptoms start again. I just gave him his first dose of the Theophylline and, my god, what a large pill to get a cat to swallow! Not an easy task.
I guess my fear is I'll lose him prematurely because of the asthma. I hate giving him pills. I worry about the side effects. All I want is for him to be happy, comfortable, and with me for at least another seven or eight years...which makes me tear up because that's not a long time.
Lately, I have had very little interest in anything. There is a reason. Many reasons, actually, but none that I care to discuss here. All I can say is, this has affected my life profoundly. My personal life as well as my work life. Luckily, I don't really have a boss that I have to answer to. I work as an independent contractor; my clients are my own, but with that, I still have to show up and do well. It's not easy at the moment, and even though I do feel a little better these days, I am still finding it hard to concentrate or feel enthusiastic. It sucks. I haven't been this low in ages and I am just so very tired.
Tonight was the first night in a while that I didn't just check email or my schedule for the next day or see if any real news has been reported on the front page here at solo. I'm actually sitting at my desk and working on my computer and not lying in bed with my iPad. Progress! So, I decided to look in the forums. I opened a thread about James Dean. Something about pictures that reveal a "softer" side. This made me chuckle because, first, it's not like these pictures have never been released to the public or anything. They're all Dennis Stock photos that have been published in books and magazines a million times now. And, second, I just don't get the whole "James Dean: hard-as-nails" concept. He made three films. In two of them he played a confused lonely teenager - hardly a rebel. In only one film did he portray an egotistical hollow bastard, but even at the core of this particular characters being was a tragic, obsessed, lonely man. Giant is my least favorite James Dean film. He struggled with character development. Mainly because George Stevens (whom he hated working under) provided little to no room for artistic growth and he despised acting along side Rock Hudson. It affected his performance and it is noticeable. But, anyway, the thread sparked life inside of me, and I have to thank the author of the thread for providing the link. I don't remember who you are at the moment, but it's appreciated.
After reading the article and looking at the Stock photos, I thought that I'd find quotes from people who knew him and add them to the thread. Quotes that also revealed the soft side of James Dean, but I couldn't find anything interesting, so I typed "William Bast" into the search engine because...who else would a Dean fan naturally turn to during a moment of need?
Well, I was shocked and very sad to learn that Bill had passed away back in May. I have met many people connected to James Dean. Family members and high school friends, but I never got to meet Mr. Bast, and now that dream is gone. Oh, but dreams have a knack of just not coming true...
In honor of William Bast and James Dean....AND because I, for the first time in 15 years, did not post an in-memoriam of sorts in my blog/journal on the anniversary of his death, would like to post a few of the things Bast wrote about Jimmy in his last biography, Surviving James Dean.
"When among new people, particularly those he seemed to like or admire, he behaved like a little kid trying to fit in where he felt out of place. He laughed a little too hard, listened a little too intently, and agreed a little too eagerly. At times, he was so attentive that he made me feel uncomfortable. And when he felt out of this depth or at a loss, he'd often smile guilelessly and utter the same meaningless phrase, "well, then, there, now." Evasive, but I found it at once endearing and oddly sad. I was actually growing fond of this guy."
"Here was this good looking kid of medium stature, a great build - except for a chronic slouch - with a boyishly killer smile, roaming the campus for months without a friend? Granted, he hardly ever projected himself beyond his horn-rimmed glasses, but when you got to know him, he could be a charmer. Maybe they saw him as just a simple, withdrawn Hoosier shit-kicker not too long off the farm, which in fact he was. But forget the "simple" part. He was far from simple once you got to know him. Light-years. Only, I was yet to learn that."
"At twenty-three, he was more gifted, more dedicated, more insightful than anyone I knew of our age. In obedience to Stanislavsky principles, he had opened his heart and mind, had consumed every course of life's sometimes bitter banquet that had been offered him without regard to personal or popular taste, storing its nourishment for future use. He had given and taken more than most, and, although I'd been slow to see it, he was, in his mindset, already far ahead of his century. Deep in his own thoughts for a time, he finally glanced over to catch me studying him and embraced me with his smile."
30 September 1947 – 16 September 1977
Sorry to continue on about Pete, but I feel it's important that you read this since you are so sure of yourself. Maybe next time you won't be so quick to judge?
Being a sufferer of great anxiety myself, I GET IT. But...can you see it in your heart? Can you delve so-low?
The Libertines Reveal Shows Canceled Due to Pete Doherty's Anxiety
Dates will be rescheduled
By Jeremy Gordon on September 14, 2015 at 10:59 a.m. EDT
On Thursday, the Libertines cancelled a show at the Electric Ballroom in Camden, London, after the show's scheduled start time. (A Manchester show set for the next day was also cancelled, as well as today's set on BBC Radio 1's Live Lounge.)
Today, the band's representatives have issued a statement explaining the cancellations. According to the statement, they were due to an anxiety attack suffered by Pete Doherty on the day of the London show. In particular, they said the decision to cancel the Manchester show "did not come from Peter it was made by management, who felt it important to ensure Peter’s welfare is a priority in line with any other ongoing treatment." Find the full statement below.
The band performed at Lollapalooza Berlin this weekend. Their upcoming shows haven't been affected. Find the list here. The Libertines are currently touring in support of their new album, Anthems for Doomed Youth.
For the loved and trusted;
Thanks for your invaluable support and overwhelmingly positive messages after last weeks events, particularly those at the gig who had every reason to feel hurt.
Peter suffered a serious anxiety attack during the hours leading up to the scheduled performance at the Electric Ballroom last Thursday. The ideal coping mechanism in this situation is to lock yourself away from the source of the anxiety and in this case he headed to a hotel near Coventry in the early hours of Friday morning, in order that he be close to friends in his support network.
Libertines Counsellor Dylan Kerr “Anxiety is notoriously subtle and greatly prejudiced against and sometimes there are no obvious outward signs at all. It purely a psychological experience and the person must do whatever is necessary to arrest those feelings. It is a good thing that Peter is trying to live a normal life, as these are the reactions to stress that you’re taught to use in rehab – rather than shutting yourself away. Avoid the stress and resume some normality.”
Anxiety is a condition affecting many thousands of people in the country. It is often not discussed or hidden by the sufferer for fear of stigmatisation and indeed the condition makes the victim hide away which worsens the condition. However with time it can be manageable to a certain extent and there are many wonderful organisations which can provide help and advice on the subject such as MIND.
The decision to cancel the show in Manchester did not come from Peter it was made by management, who felt it important to ensure Peter’s welfare is a priority in line with any other ongoing treatment. Obviously the time away from the spotlight enabled the band to meet their existing commitment in Berlin and the Albion sails on course….
Look out for an announcement very soon regarding the rescheduled dates as The Libertines are keen to make it up to anyone who felt disappointed.
I spent last week - all week - back home at the beach. Got to do everything that I set out to do and had such a wonderful time. It's not surprising that I've been homesick since returning and I cannot wait to go back again. I am planning on returning in July and August. I knew that I had been stressed out from the past two years or so, but I had no idea how much so until I felt relief from the dullness of everyday life here and forgot about almost everything while there.
Ah - the waves. These don't look very big, but they are when you're out there. Not as big as the ones on the West Coast, but big nonetheless! I've truly missed falling asleep to the sound of the ocean at night. I slept like a baby the whole time I was there. Even when I stayed up late!
Oh, and speaking of the West Coast
On one of the days, I spent time at the NC Aquarium. I posted a few photos of Jellies in the Daily Cell Phone Picture Thread, but honestly, the pictures do not give those little creatures the credit they deserve. They are beautiful and mysterious in every way with the electric light shooting through their insides. Ghosts of the Ocean. But, instead of showing even more photos of them, and because there's a limit in the blogs of how many photos we can post, I decided these little sweeties should hold a place here. Seahorses are quite fascinating as well. Well, I find sea-life quite amazing, anyway.
Behind the Aquarium is a nature trail where I found this old tree trunk. There's something quite delightful and enchanting about it.
The biggest highlight for me was spending a day at Carrot Island searching for Wild Horses. I also posted a picture of them in the Daily Cell Phone Picture thread, but I can't post enough of them really. I was only about 25 feet away from these horses and they didn't mind at all, though they kept a good eye on me. At one point I thought three of them had decided to follow me and, being alone, I was a little scared. I approached them very slowly, however, and I think they realized I was harmless. I took a video of them as well. The wind was blowing so hard that day, though, that all you can hear is whooshing sounds on the video and not much of them or anything else surrounding us. I can't express how much I enjoyed this moment.
So, yes. A wonderful time away from the hustle and bustle, indeed, indeed. I really must find the time to go back often.
The original would be fine without that horrible intro. I like everything else after that. However, I just found this on youtube and, well, James Dean and cats...nice! Thanks to Lesley Verbeek.
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