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  1. I got in my car one friday night - drove to my local record shop - and bought 2 real live cd's (arcade fire and beck).
    I was transported... I can't remember the last time i bought a cd... it took me back - sitting in the car, peeling off the plastic. popping the cd out of of it's case (ok, well, in the case of arcade fire, pulling it out of it's sleeve...)
    popping it in the cd player...
    turning up the volume and just driving...
    oh the hours I'd spend... the best was at night - when the streets finally cleared up... just jumping on the highway, rolling down the windows, blasting the music - and just going...

    god - i missed that.

    living with the cd...
    learning to love all the songs....
    the hours I'd spend...

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    got tickets (or should I say - got *my* ticket) - to see morrissey in the upcoming shows... thought i'd pop my head around the door here in preparation.... it's been a while.

    the more things change, the more they stay the same...
  2. I find myself in limbo... I've taken a leap from one lily pad and am soaring towards the next and i'm frozen mid leap.

    I got a new job, quit my old one, squeezed in a nice vacation, found out that my new job has delayed my start date for a week and here i am.... In between jobs.... Feeling kinda useless and shiftless and jobless.... A feeling i should be enjoying.... But can't quite.... I'm learning though.

    I've had a job non stop since i was 14.... I lied about my age at that time and got a job filing papers at a car dealership.... Nearly 20 years later, the longest i've had off was when i spent 6 weeks in poland in '99....
    The time in between jobs right now is going to be around 3 weeks... 9 days were spent in honduras. That was quite all right...
    Upon returning and finding out that i have an extra week and a day off, most people are telling me things like, "wow! Lucky you!" Except to me it feels kind of scary...
    I'm trained and institutionalized to be a worker bee.... Free time scares me.... I dont want to fall into depression or anxiety....
    The nerves of starting a new job after 11 years at the old one, the interruption of plans, change...all that used to be easier to deal with.
    Good thing i bought some honduran xanax i suppose.... There if i need it.

    So i've been filling my days.
    Talking on the phone.... Running errands that have long been overdue.... Im hoping to clear out a few closets....
    I just worry about feeling isolated or kind of 'off'.
    My vacation was spent with no tv, radio, alarm clock , schedule or agenda..... 9 days of reading in a hammock, swimming, walking, fresh air and sunshine.
    And now back to the 'real' world and feeling very much in a twilight zone type place.... Neither here nor there.... Awaiting newness with a mix of excitement and dread that alternates depending on the time of day....

    The lesson here: never stay in one job for 11 years unless you love it or something.... The longer you don't change, the harder it becomes.... In the meantime, i'm going to try to embrace and enjoy my unexpected week and a day of freedom....

    And we just can't wait to make more mistakes and to fluff our breaks and to stuff our faces with cake....
  3. so anytime I'm watching the science channel or the history channel, a beautiful and powerful notion strikes me...

    I'm watching stuff about Columbus, or Henry VIII, or Copernicus or, hell, Jesus even (the historical figure) and I think to myself - my ancestors were around then... during all these times, someone related to me was definitely around...under the same moon and sun even.... all these things we read about didn't just happen on a page in a book, my people were there...somewhere...

    I am the result of hundreds of thousands of people, who all procreated, and nurtured helpless babies, and ensured the progression of our species...
    I can imagine all these people in various eras - toiling in the fields, living in huts, eating potatoes, killing animals, having families and relationships and then dying in various ways...

    all these people are the predecessors to me - my own little pile of molecules... and I think - Wow - I'm the result of successful gene mixing and successful procreation since the beginning of time...
    chemical reactions and cell multiplication generation after generation with successful results.... I'm tremendous!

    even back in the primordial soup somewhere, a tiny speck of the future 'me' existed...
    Evolution has changed the cells and the arrangements and the result - me...

    it's awesome, in the classic sense of the word....I'm on a rock hurling through space, i am but a fleeting moment, yet i am one link on a chain stretching back to the beginning of 'time'....
    for a moment I feel like the world is mine - I do belong here.... I've been here all along....

    and then i wander out onto the streets, and look at some of the wastes of space or the mean or the hurtful..... or Donald Trump, and think.... oh yeah, they can all say the same thing.....

    kind of loses some of that ethereal glow....
  4. so i have a friend who's got 2 boys - about 7 and 4 or so-ish... I'm not good at ages.
    she asked me if I could watch them last saturday night and since I hadn't agreed to watch them in a while, I told her to bring them over...
    the 7 year old is very rambuctious... he's all about fighting and climbing and running, etc. the 4 year old is this sweet kid who, last time he was over, spent much of the time swamped by my giant headphones, listening to the ipod... and dancing... he also went through all my nail polish (i've got roughly 40 different shades), asking me to read each of the colors out to him...
    Obviously, the boys have different personalities... as they should... talking to my friend about her boys, i've noticed that she sometimes will refer to this difference with hesitation. She'll be talking about christmas decorations and how the younger one, N, helped her decorate, but she says it in a worried tone. Or how N helped her wrap presents or watches her put on makeup, and she talks about this with hesitation... last time she picked up the kids I said, 'N really knows his music! he knows singer's names, song names!' and she just nodded, looking worried....

    basically, I know that she thinks N might be gay... because he likes arty things and music and 'gentler' play than the older one.
    now - i'm no expert, but if he is gay, preventing him from liking these things won't change that, neither will encouraging him in these things somehow 'encourage' him to be gay... two separate things... i have a feeling her husband doesn't agree...

    so last saturday, the boys arrived and played a bit, we went to the store where I got them some sort of collector cards that are all the rage around here, we rented a movie and came home. The older one started playing the wii... meanwhile, the younger one went right for the makeup bag full of nail polish i keep on the coffee table shelf... he opened it up and started taking each bottle out, handing it to me and asking me to read him the 'official' color name...
    "Flamin' Fuschia" - i said to him, handing back to him a red one...
    "Blushing Bride" - i said handing back a pink one...
    "Midnight Ink" - a dark blue...
    his big brown eyes would light up as he repeated the names, giggling...
    After we went through each and every bottle (including the very inspired "Top Coat" and "Base Coat") he looked at me bashfully...
    "Can you paint MY nails??" he asked....
    now - this was an interesting moment... it's one of those crossroad moments where a kid kind of stumps you and you have to think fast- me personally? I have no problem painting his nails... would my friend care? probably... her husband? very likely...
    My mind spun through these magic 8 ball answers...
    in the silence, the older one teasingly calls out - "Haha! N wants to paint his nails!!"
    So I said, "sure - I can paint your nails. How about this, I'll paint them, and then we'll just take it off before you go home today, ok?"
    he nodded excitedly...
    I told him to pick the colors he liked the best...
    "Can we do designs?" he asked...
    "Sure..."
    then he looked at me, suddenly worried, "But we'll take it off before my dad and mom see ok?"
    "ok.... N- there's nothing wrong with painting your nails, but we'll take it off since I don't have your parents permission and we didn't ask them if it was ok. That's why we'll do it, and then take it off... but there's nothing wrong with liking pretty colors... and nail polish isn't permanent so it's really not a big deal."
    so he picks a different color for each nail and then asks for a different design on each nail - a stripe, white dots, a black heart... poor kid didn't realize that I am not a manicurist - but we make do...
    one nail is a sparkly purple - he looks at it and gasps "Beautiful!!" we add a silver glitter stripe down the middle...
    in between coats ("what's a coat?" he asks...and listens intently as I explain) he stands up and waves his arms around.. "That's how momma does it!"
    when we're done he runs around the house looking at his nails...
    we play a bit more and soon it's time for pj's....
    "Let's clean off your nails...."
    he looks sad as each nail is swiped clean with nail polish remover and a cotton circle... we get to the purple nail with the silver stripe.
    "Maybe we can leave this one?" he asks...
    "Would you like to keep that one?"
    he nods.... hesitates... "maybe you should clean it. daddy would be mad..."
    "there's nothing wrong with painting your nails but, yeah, usually, boys don't paint their nails. also, you're pretty young for nail polish anyways... let's paint these same designs on paper, that way, it's off your nails but you can still take them with you."
    doe-like eyes immediately light up...
    so instead of bed (i'm a total pushover) we spend another 20 minutes recreating the nail polish designs on a white sheet of paper...

    an hour later, his parents came... back from their party, they came up for a drink and a chat before collecting the sleeping kids...
    i sat with his mom on the couch discussing how her party went.. she eyed the white paper with the colorful circles on the coffee table... "N?" she asked..
    "oh - yeah... he got into my nail polish so we decided to paint with it.."
    she just nodded... looking worried...
  5. ugh - I didn't know how good I had it.... I used to get depressive moods, periods, whatever. And those weren't great, but they weren't debilitating. they weren't very scary.... they were just low moods, dark periods, that lingered for a while and then lifted.
    Anxiety on the other hand, really sucks.
    I'd been flippant when people talked of anxiety issues.... no more. it's debilitating and scary is what it is.
    I think anxiety is happening to me because it's depression plus stress - in my case, that equals anxiety.
    Rationally, i know that my stress is stupid (it's work related) and i know that physically there's nothing wrong with me (thanks to the kind e.r. people when I checked in thinking I was dying) - so in theory, I should be ok. but every now and again, i get a real, physical reaction and I think i'm gonna die. My heart pounds, i feel like i'm gonna pass out, my hands shake...
    I'm having trouble sitting through meetings some days.... going to relative's houses.... driving.... it's wierd. and it's getting ridiculous.
    I'm having trouble drinking nowadays (and that's where I draw the line - I mean - come on...) but a hangover these days is me, nauseaus, dizzy, lying on the couch unable to move with my heart pounding out of my chest. And this lasts for hours... sundays have become scary (since i've limited my drinking to the weekends only - saturday nights are my night to imbibe). i can't even leave the house on days like that - and then as evening falls, the fact that I've been indoors and stagnant ALL day makes me anxious....
    insomnia - never knew the meaning of the word. i was always asleep before my head ever hit the pillow..... nowadays, i never know. Some days I sleep fine, other days I've got racing thoughts that i can't turn off and i toss and turn for hours.

    maye i'm getting old?
    i dunno... i'm taking herbal concoctions for now and they seem to help but they're not completely reliable.... i'll hang in there though.
    Yesterday I had an episode at work just after eating lunch... i popped my herbs and went for a walk in the hallways. I thought I was going to pass out... the carpeted floors seemed closer than usual.... i started getting angry.... i yelled at myself in my head - "just f*cking pass out already if that's what you're gonna do... who cares?!" and it slowly eased...
    I just hate that I feel physically ill and that i have a real physical reaction to stupid irrational sh*t in my head. I know better than this... I don't care about my job so why am i letting them get to me? ugh...
    and I can't even pinpoint what triggers it - all I know is suddenly, I'm drowning.

    I need other things in my life - work has tipped the scales in one direction with nothing fun being added to the other side.
    in other news - life trundles on...

    I'm trying to increase my exercise but my mind is not having it.... i try to do 4 miles a day, mon-fri. it's finally getting warm enough to run outside soon and that always helps since it's like meditation. but i'm just going through the motions at this point. I can't get to that phase where I'm really enjoying working out and giving it my all...

    I've downloaded amy macdonald's new album - i love running to her.
    but even with running, in the back of my head, i'm thinking i'm gonna be one of those people that drops dead running... black cloud :)
  6. (psssst - i miss my old journal :()
    but as with everything else in the world, time waits for no lost soul.... progress....

    in that vein, my mom called me up a while ago, very ill with the flu.... I jumped in my car, armed with some left over tamiflu I had gotten filled last year, some nyquil, a thermometer (mom didn't have one), some soup I had made meself, and some other goodies and I made my way to her house...
    I called my sister and told her to come down and collect the goods...
    "You're not coming up??" she said in the lobby of her building... what? walk right into the flu? no thanks..
    "Oh, you and your germaphobia..." she said to me as I handed her the bag and proceeded to push the door shut.
    So she pulled and I pushed and we watched each other through the glass...
    "What is it? I want you to see my hair -I got it done..." she said.
    "I can see perfectly fine through the glass - looks great...." I replied, still pushing the door.
    "Why are you being such a freak??"
    "You're contaminated too!" I cried....

    she shook her head at me as I drove away.
    the next day?? she called me saying she had a fever of 101..... and she's student teaching now so that means she can't miss more than 2 days, AND her teacher was coming to observe her and grade her in 2 days, and here she was, in the throes of the flu.
    I told her one of life's tough lessons.... you just can't afford to get sick in this town... she gets sick for more than 2 days and you're out of your class. you're out 16,000 dollars and 6 months and you don't graduate and your life is ruined... all by the flu. there's simply no good time for the flu...

    Recently, we had a blizzard... 2 feet of snow - overnight..... ONE day my work was closed. One day, and everything was back to normal, everything was shovelled, streets were cleared. We spent that one day home shovelling our cars out for hours, all to get to work the next day...
    and I read comments from England (where 2 feet of snow would shut them down possibly until the spring) and people were all:
    "Look at the states, all up and running so fast! meanwhile, we were home for a week with MUCH less snow!"
    and I say - it's all a scam! the real reason we clear out so fast is that we must get to work! work, work, work... nothing will stop us.... we'll drive through snow and sleet and hail. no rest for the wicked. nothing can stop us.

    i tell mr. lost - we're in a labor camp.... it's work and home, work and home, with short reprieves of fun, mainly of the chemical variety.
    no time.... no play.... *everything she wants costs money....*

    but there's vacation... ah, the one real luxury I afford myself. at least every year, I must go somewhere!
    last year, the work and all the other crap ground us down so this year - I figured, with the crap year we've had - we're going to do the unthinkable... we're going on a 2 week vacation.
    2 weeks?!? but that simply isn't done in the states!
    "you'll be bored" people warn me....
    yes. 2 weeks. I've got a rare job that provides me with a lot of time off (well, I *have* been there nearly 10 years now) and mr. lost is sort of in between gigs so yes.... I'm off for 2 weeks.
    so I went to my new bosses office today...
    "You know how I've been saying I'm gonna go on a trip soon? well, I'm gonna head out for the first 2 weeks of april." (you know - I'm coming in with a whole month warning).
    her - blank stare - "2 weeks?"
    me - "Well, yeah, 2 weeks and 2 days actually, you know, long flight and all..."
    her - "2 weeks and 2 days?? But, aren't reports due that week?"
    me - "Yup - i'll handle what I can before I leave and then my team will handle the rest...."
    her- "um..... wow.... but what if any unscheduled reports come in?"
    me - "well, that's gonna happen no matter when I'm ever out, so yeah, we should probably think about how to handle those...."

    and then, it continued..... she talked to HER boss, and she called from her cell phone after already leaving for the day, "Well, aren't the quarterly reports all due then??"
    "yes... there are x number of reports - I'll handle 1 of them on Monday, 3 on tuesday, and leave them the remaining few for wednesday."
    her - "oh ok..... well, we'll have to send out an email to let everyone know you'll be out..... i mean, what if something comes through?"

    grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... we're a team of 3 - it's not like it's just me doing this job.... and I'm the supervisor, so it's not like I actually have to DO any of the reports - just supervise - but I DO do them, because I'm cool like that... and I don't like being bored.
    you know what really really gets me though?? they give us very modest raises, but we all stay because of the time off benefits, and then when you want to use that time off, they make it seem like they can't function without you. I'm not getting paid like someone who is a total necessity so don't act like if I'm not there, all hell will break loose.
    and don't keep coming up with excuses - it's like she wants to tell me not to go but can't do that, so she's trying to guilt me into, what? not taking time off? taking only the time she deems appropriate?
    at first, I was upset. all my excitement at my travel plans went out the window and my stomache tied in a knot.
    but then I composed an email, outlining my coverage plan, in an effort to ease her fears; and then I checked tickets and fenagled the dates again and I actually paid $200 more for a flight a few days later (which would ease their concerns about the quarter end) and I came home and I booked my tickets.