Intimacy. Someone once told me that intimacy is in-to-me-you-see. You would think a blog is by it's very nature a platform for sharing intimate feelings and thoughts. But more often than not, it is actually a wall that separates self from world. It is a carefully controlled construct, a barrier to intimacy. If I tell you how I think before you ask, then you don't get to frame the question. It's overcoming objections before they arise.
However, I now want to share something personal. I feel hungover, though I have not had a drink in ages. It's an emotional hangover, after the month-long forums posting bender I'm coming off of. I forgot how fun it could be. I also forgot how dark it could end up. Old ghosts still haunt and taunt.
My blog is connected to the same server that hosts cryptic and not so cryptic disclosures... including accusations, insults, paranoid delusions... all amounting to what can be summarized as painful memories. The dark side is just an archive away. A search is all it takes, to take me back. Who knows if it is discernible to anyone who was not around at the time these things were written. Heck, I was clueless half the time. And so was everyone else. It was a psychotic playground without supervision. Some people are still here. Some have the same user name. Others have adopted new ones. Some have left for good. Some are now dead. And there are some who make me wish that karma was real.
I don't ever want to find myself in that dark space again. I am stronger now with a thicker skin. But I am also sensitive and compassionate. This makes me vulnerable.
How do we balance the need for intimacy and connection without giving away too much of ourselves? It is a struggle, but one that I thought I had figured out. Now I'm not so sure.
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