Still I Cling

Published by Tibby in the blog So Far From Where I Intended To Go. Views: 322

I don`t remember the exact time I discovered this thing. This thing that made me feel better. This thing that brought me this strange form of relief. Even I know it`s a strange thing to do to yourself. It`s also weird that doing that to yourself takes you (temporarily) away from what`s going on in your head. It makes you feel better for a few moments. You think it helps you when in reality it hurts you. It leaves those ugly scars behind. Your wounds may heal but those scars will never fade.

I haven`t done it for a long time. I still have my box of tools though. It's a simple plastic box that contains my tools and the things I would need to clean up and bandage my wounds. I kept those things because even though I was harming myself I was afraid of infection and ending up at the doctor. I read horror stories online about how people like myself had been horribly treated when they showed up with self inflicted wounds. Also I just didn`t want to explain my scars and wounds. I`m still paying the price for what I used to do for myself . I 've now had to explain my scars many times.

I don`t know why I have held on to that box. I certainly don`t use it anymore. Maybe I hold on to it because I`m afraid I might need it again someday. Even though I don`t use what`s inside of that box anymore I still think about it. I still miss it sometimes. I look at certain objects like razor blades and lighters and think about what I used to do to myself with them. Like I said before it`s strange but I miss the relief they used to bring me.

I used to wait until everyone was asleep to hurt myself because I was afraid to get caught hurting myself. I kept it a secret for a while. Then my Mom and my older sister found out. I later told my psychiatrist. But anyway the night time was when I looked forward to the momentary relief this brought me. I don`t look forward to the night anymore. I started to get panic attacks at night and now I hate it. When it starts to get dark that`s when I feel the worst. Now I just pray and take my meds and hope to fall asleep as soon as possible. Perhaps I 'll feel better in the morning.
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