I Still Do Feel So Horribly Lonely
I still do. I feel so lonely in this illness. I celebrated a nice Thanksgiving with my family but I couldn`t help feeling lonely even surrounded by family.The thing is I felt alone because my sisters all have their spouses and kids and I don`t have any of that. I know that I don`t need anybody to feel complete but I still feel so lost and alone. Maybe I was made to be alone. They say there`s a lid for every pot but it hasn`t happened for me. Maybe I`m just destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I think my illness has taken all this away from me. It`s already taken my possibilities and dreams. I really don`t expect to much from life anymore. Maybe I`ve given up. I`ve probably done this to myself. I never put myself out there because of fear of getting hurt .It`s my fault I guess. I`ve just never felt good enough for anybody. I`ve always figured nobody ever would want me because I`m defective . My brain is defective and nobody is going to love someone like that.
I`ve written that I`ve stopped my self harm and I have but sometimes I miss it.I know that`s a sick thing to say but I do. It used to be like a friend to me. When I was holding things inside and just needed a release it was there for me. When I was feeling just awful it was there for me. I miss that feeling of relief that it gave me. I think I`ve found some healthier alternatives to self harm though. Sometimes I just get lost in music and sometimes I write or draw. Writing seems to help get some of these things out of my head. Sometimes my mind races and I can`t concentrate and it`s hard to get anything out. My mind usually races at night when I`m trying to go to sleep. That`s why I hate the night now. I also hate the night because it`s when I feel the most alone. My psychiatrist even asked me if I was afraid of the night I said no but maybe sometimes I am.
I feel sad most of the time I think. Other times I feel empty or numb.Other times I feel irritated or impulsive. They say I am bipolar 2. And bipolar 2 people it has been said spend most of time on the depressive side of the picture. I have experienced hypomania though. And my doc says I am a rapid cycler. When I`ve experienced hypomania I have been told that I talk to fast and I`m impulsive. I`m usually a quiet person who doesn`t talk very much. I`m much more of a listener .The impulsive thing still gets me when I`m experiencing depression or emptiness. I try to do things to make me feel better and sometimes I do them without thinking about it.
They say this illness is a life long thing. I wonder if I will feel like this forever. I don`t ask much from life. I just want to feel happy someday.
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