I've been having sleepless nights. Nights are the worst for me. My mind races and goes through every worse case scenario. I hate when it starts to get dark now. It used to be quite the opposite. I used to wait for the night to come. I used to get a lot of things done. I also used to wait for everyone in the house to fall asleep so I would be able to self injure without getting caught. Now that I don`t do that anymore I have nothing to look forward to at night. Since I don`t self injure anymore I have to sit with those unpleasant feelings. My self injury used to be my only relief. It was definitely a release for me. I guess it worked for a time for many reasons. Like I wrote before it was a way to release everything that I couldn`t say out loud out as I tend to keep things bottled up inside. It was also a way to wake up and prove that I was alive. I sometimes felt so numb that I couldn`t feel anything happiness or sadness. I would see the result of my self injury and could say yes I AM STILL ALIVE.
I don`t remember making a choice to stop self injuring. I guess it just happened to go that way. It`s been quite a while now. Sometimes I miss it and sometimes I look down at scars and think "How could you do that to yourself? ". I said before that I don`t remember making the decision to stop and I really have a faint memory of how I started. I sort of remember scratching myself with my nails and I guess that`s how I began . I really don`t remember how I decided to use broken glass, razor blades and cigarette and candle lighters to hurt myself. I really don`t remember either how hurting myself became an acceptable form of relief for me. Now I really wish I hadn`t done that to myself. I hate having to explain my scars. I usually just say it was an accident. Most people are satisfied with that answer. I`m really ashamed for doing that to myself.
I saw my psychiatrist this week and it went okay. He thinks I am socially isolated and thinks I should try to do more to change that. He wants me to a mental health center with other mentally ill people. I've gone before but I`m so quiet and to myself that it really didn`t make a difference. I said that I would try it again though. He also wants me to go to therapy which I've also tried before but I didn`t find it to be that helpful. I also said I would try that again. I`m just not sure about all of this at all. I guess I`m just tired of being tired and tired of being me.
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