I am in a rut. Physically, emotionally, and psychologically. I hate to quote Dr. Phil as he is now a cliched buffoon—as far as I am concerned. But he does have one catchphrase which has stuck with me since he came onto the scene many moons ago: How's that working for you? My answer: It isn't. Nothing is working for me. Here is another cliched quote: The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. One more for good measure: When one closes a door a window is opened. I like that last one best. It has a measure of hope at its core. If I close some doors—which honestly should have been closed long ago—will windows open? That is my hope... my wish.
Change is needed badly, to say the least. I feel myself falling into that dark well—you know the one. The fear that I may be falling is enough to ignite panic. If I go there—again, I may never be able to crawl out once more. I was lucky the first time. What are the chances of surviving a second round? Slim to nothing. I am vulnerable. Always will be. I have to be on the lookout for signs. And do all I can daily to keep my mood in check... like an addict staying sober one day at a time. But I feel I am slipping back into another existential crisis... one which I suffered through for a painfully exhaustive six months, just two years ago. Standing at the precipice where meaning is threatening to leave is disheartening, frightening.
What's to do? Grasp and reach for a leg of hope? That is all one can do. Embrace hope then take action. Make a plan. What's in need of changing? Sitting still will do nothing to make things different, better.
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