A Self-Portrait

Published by almareallymatters in the blog almareallymatters's blog. Views: 434


Despite what you might think I am not completely blinkered to the state of the world around me. I do actually exist outside my bubble of domestic bliss!


Sure my glass is generally half full but being married to a police officer for 15 LONG years, coupled with my obsession with radio news reports (I listen to about five before we even eat breakfast!) I realise that the world can be a strange and nasty place and has its fair share of weirdo’s and perverts lurking in the shadows waiting to strike if I take my eyes off my children for a heartbeat!

This is why I NEVER complain when a camera comes within 100 feet of my children at school and I have to complete a crumpled permission slip retrieved for the depths of their school bags to say YES they can be photographed and YES it can be used in the school newsletter/local paper/school website.

This happens a lot!

School plays, the school fete, football matches and various other tedious events! I dutifully complete the slip without hesitation and return it to school in the buff coloured envelope provided, secure in the knowledge that the school is out to protect my child from the aforementioned wierdo’s!


My son’s school has been selected to take part in an art project in celebration of the Queens jubilee.


Hundreds of children up and down the country will produce a painted self-portrait and then some clever arty type will make them into a huge collage of the Queens face!

This "work of art" will be displayed at Buckingham Palace or some other huge residence paid for at the taxpayers’ expense (I have no doubt the very same tax payers will then be expected to cough up an extortionate amount to buy a ticket to actually view the bloody thing!)

My son isn’t about to have an exhibition at the Tate anytime soon. Art isn’t really his bag but he wanted to take part as it meant he got to miss Maths! Anyway, as I’m sure you have guessed by now, I found yet another crumpled permission slip in his bag asking for my blessing for his image to be used as part of the Queens head!

Even I found this a trifle over the top as quite clearly the portrait will not resemble him in any way, shape or form! In fact it’ll be a blinkin’ miracle if it actually resembles a human being! Even I (over-protective mother of the year!) struggled to imagine some pervert thinking “God this internet porn is SO last year….I’m off up the palace to get off on those kids finger paintings!” I am then expected to believe he will buy the extortionately over-priced ticket, queue up for hours and then stroll around the grounds getting excited at a collection of finger paintings probably resembling aliens from outer space forming a giant likeness of a grey haired snooty octogenarian!

MADNESS! (but I filled in the slip anyway!)

So I was in the kitchen cooking last night when Dan comes in seeking out a pre-dinner biscuit (he didn’t get it!) when I remembered that it had been the day for him to paint his picture….

“So mate did you do your self-portrait then?”

“Yeah….but mines absolute RUBBISH!”

“Does it look anything like you at all then?”

“Nope!....it looks like Harry Hill….if his hair grew back….and he went to Optimax!”


Love Alma xxx
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