Yes, still here...monitoring from beyond...

Since the changeover from the old Journal system, I'm not really sure who is reading this or where (or if) it shows up on the news feed.

I don't know what to say about my life. I used to know what to say. I remember a decade ago when I used to report every little thought, every little stomach bug, everything little thing said to me.

Now, it's this amorphous mass of where I go to work, do my job, stay fairly insulated in my little office all day, and then go home to TV.

I actually started listening to some top 40 radio. Oh yes. When you have a brief friendship with a person about a decade younger, you actually get to hear Lady Gaga and find that it's not too bad.

And no, I don't mean a "friendship."

I guess I need to arrive to the point where I accept where I am.

I'm doing well at work....thus far. Between that, the economy, the fact that the work suits me immensely, and my now phobia of working for anyone else, I don't ever feel like I will ever look for another job.

I think this is the sort of thing that I envisioned when I went to law school.

Beyond that....I feel pretty friendless.

Which is not new. I haven't even really tried dating yet, even though I had long made the excuse that I wouldn't start until I got settled somewhere.

It's hard to shift out of that mode.

It also doesn't help when I'm of such distance to create an idealized version of Robo and just hold onto that.

Yes, a person who never really existed, but several hundred miles away, I could just string together the highlights and play them over and over again as a reel in my head. One day, I could be reunited with Ideal Robo, and we'd run along the beaches. It was going to be like one of those epic stories like Cold Mountain.

Instead, I am reminded of the story of my great-grandpa. When he came over from the Czech republic, he could not get enough money to send for his wife, so he married someone else.

Yes, that's bigamy, but what is 1870's America going to say about it?

It's not like today where every part of your life is documented and put under a microscope. You just showed up and suddenly you were someone else.

Who knows if he had children over there?


This new journal is wierd and it doesn't help that I have a hard time finding it *every* time.... Is it just me?

I've always thought that the end of relationships are all about timing as well, not just the beginnings... If it ends on a high note for *you* - that's very bad - because you tend to ignore all the bad stuff and focus on all the good stuff, even making it much better than it was in reality (and by you I mean everyone, not you personally).... my sister in law has this imaginary version of her ex that no one else can live up to and yet he was a total jerk who packed up all of his stuff and literally took off across the country leaving her with a house, bills for all the furniture and house stuff they bought - which drove her into bankruptcy - and she STILL thinks he's the greatest... had they stayed together, I'm pretty sure it would have gone sour of its own accord and then she'd be more fine about the breakup, but the timing was way off - she was in the throes of making a home together with all these hopes and dreams and then bam, he left.
As someone looking in you think - damn girl - don't you hate that guy yet?? can't you remember all of the bad stuff? but it's not that simple since it's very real to her.... her next boyfriend was an all right guy but she never gave him enough time and attention, she was still hung up on the ex, especially when he got married and had a kid a little while later.
Yes, finding the Journal section is very convoluted. I have to click on my profile and then the blog, and then find other blogs that way.

I hope I'm not that bad as what you describe. I think that's what kept me from relationships for so long. For all of my talk, I know that I'm not going to settle on a nice, normal guy.

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Currer Bell
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