Where The Light Won`t Find You

It's been a while since I last wrote in my blog.

I haven`t gone anywhere or done much of anything. I guess you could say that I`m simply existing. There`s a lot going on with my family. My Mom`s illness is taking a toll on her. She has fallen a couple of times. Thank God she didn`t get seriously hurt but I worry about her falling again. I`ve been doing the best trying to help her and my dad. Sometimes I feel like I`m not doing enough because of my illness. I have my mental and physical issues. Sometimes I lack the energy to do anything.

Everyone says I need to get out more. I find it difficult to leave the house, but I do get out occasionally. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, and he took me off one of my meds. It made me a bit manic and at the same time made me feel numb. The feeling numb part was good for a while. I liked not anything making me upset or emotional or making me cry at the drop of a hat. That was good for a while it lasted. Now, it`s kind of like before I just cried while watching a music video because it made me realize I will always be alone and watching that video made me feel like I wanted someone in my life. Then again, sometimes I feel okay with being alone and not having a romantic partner. I really don`t think I was made for that because I don`t like being touched or other people touching or moving my things. I suppose it would be odd for me to be in a relationship.

Last year I spent the majority of the year being ill and not knowing what made my stomach hurt and why I felt so tired all the time. This year so far has also been challenging. Seeing my Mother ill and dealing with things here at home. I`m trying to help my parents with anything I can help them but I feel I always fall short. My sisters help as much as they can, and they do a lot because I don`t drive.

Sometimes it just hurts to exist like this every day but I try to look for happiness in life in the small everyday things. I think most of us take the small things for granted and don`t realize how important they are until we look back. I am grateful for those things.
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