time's running out...

It's noon, and since this early morning, eventually, time is running out for him, the course has been set.

I called in sick today, so that I can spend his final hours with him together, even though, most of the time, he is hiding under the sofa as usual.
The vet will be here this evening, and tomorrow I'm carrying his body to the cremation site outside town. I talked to the owner this morning on the telephone, a Bavarian by accent, and he explained everything to me. I am sure, that my lil kitty's body will be in good hands.

Still, I am not convinced that euthanasia at this point in time is the only and best thing to do. I am not 100% convinced of my decision. I could be, if I changed my mindset and, like my mother is capable of when necessary, look at things only from a pragmatical point of view, or assume, that it is all in the best interest of the animal, which we cannot know. This perspective is surely helpful, but it lacks a dimension, which is also a part of me, and this dimension of course is one of sadness and uncertainty. So, at the end of the day, I will not know whether what I did was right or wrong, and together with the inevitable sadness, it will all develop into feelings of guilt.

For most people it is only important to know if he finally died to satisfy their basic sensational desires. And then the chapter will be closed for them. Their interest immediately dispersed into thin air. Nothing else matters, it seems. So, take note: November, 3rd. And now piss off.

After I had finished talking to the vet, and having arranged a time for tonight, feeling a bit better about the decision, he came crawling out from under the sofa. He teetered into the litter box that I had placed next to the sofa, and then meowed twice, before moving to his feeding bowl, where he started to eat ferociously. I mean, he was not just licking at the food, no, he opened his mouth as wide as he could, and then plunged his face into the meat, biting off large chunks that he swallowed noisily. And he meowed again, licking his mouth satisfiedly, staggering to the fountain where he drank the water. Though it is great to see him doing these basic cat things, I felt all shattered again.


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