2-28-10
mood: effin furious
I have decided to start a "rage journal" since these attacks seem to becoming more frequent as 2011 unfolds. I'd say I totally flip out at least once a week now & I mean like real bad. As I write this, I realize that its possible that this is not as often as it use to be, who knows, before I came here is all now a blur. Just writing this has calmed me down some and if memory serves, music helps to so I think I shall put a CD, let us hope it does not make it worse.
music: a mix cd picked @ random, this one is called GM7, I had no idea the first track would be "Come What May"
Woa, just listening to this song is turning my anger to sadness, I guess thats better though than the way I was feeling, right?
I don't know, I just don't know about anything.
Anyways, what I was so mad about hardly even seems worth writing about now.
F*ck, I put the CD on random and wouldn't you know it, track 5 comes up, "Voices Carry" Its hard not to hear this track and think how I use to be a bastard not unlike the jerk in the video, OK, I was nowhere near that bad, but still.
Hey wait a minute, am I going to stop beating myself up over that night? The damage is done, she is long gone now.
Sh*t, can't I think of anything positive?
I know, I have not weighed myself in like a week, maybe I have lost some weight, I'll go check now.
Well, I am back now & I think the last time I weighed myself it said 222 pounds, this time the scale said 220 exactly, I suppose thats progress, hey, at least its not worse.
Oh yeah, and well, Wednesday will mark 5 months clean, so thats something I guess, what a hard 5 months it has been though man.
OK, its after 6 pm, time for me to go eat some dinner, that will give some small pleasure.
Wow, how qucikly my rage turns to a whine.
*=smilies added "in post" to make this fun for me to re-read
