Suffering

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I`ve been thinking a lot about life and what`s the meaning of suffering and why we have to suffer. I don`t understand why we should have to suffer in this life when we are decent people. My Mother is more than a decent person. She is a kind, good, beautiful person. She has helped so many people in her life and does not deserve the hand life has dealt her. My older sister and her went out to lunch today and she told her she hoped God would forgive her for what`s she`s done to deserve her illness. It broke my sister`s and my heart. She`s the last person to deserve what she`s been going through.

I`ve also wondered why I`ve been struck with mental and physical illness. I feel sometimes I am at war with my own mind. It caused me to hurt myself, starve myself and make myself sick because I thought I wasn`t ever good enough or I needed to hurt myself to let out everything going on inside of me. Maybe I also hurt myself to make my outsides match my insides full of wounds and scars. Sometimes I wonder how I could do that to myself, sometimes I wonder if I didn`t do that would I still be here. I never did that because I didn`t want to hurt anybody especially my family. Living like that was f***ing unbearable at times. I remember praying for God to take me in my sleep because I couldn`t take it anymore.

I do believe in God but sometimes I get angry about the bad things that happen to us and the world. Why are we struck down with illness? Why are there devasting natural and man-made disasters? Why is there all this division in this world? I don`t know why God lets it happen. I still believe in him though.

When I was a kid, I thought I`ll never get old and sick and my parents will be there forever. You never think you`ll grow up to be batshit crazy and be a loser and do nothing with your life. You never think your parents will get sick and old. My childhood wasn`t perfect. My dad is a Vietnam Vet and I think he suffers from PTSD. He used to get so angry he would scare us and get verbally abusive but my Mom always defended us. He is not a bad person though he just has trouble expressing his feelings in a healthy way. He saw some pretty awful things in Vietnam.

I still don`t understand why we must suffer in this life.
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Tibby
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