Some Stuff I Was Thinking About

I think I hate this feeling of emptiness more than the depression. No....I think I hate both equally. I feel so empty inside right now. I wonder what my being on this earth is for. I feel like I don`t contribute anything. I feel so worthless. I am nothing ,nobody . Sometimes it takes everything inside of me just to get of bed and do normal everyday things. It`s a struggle when all you want to do all day is lay in bed and stare at the wall.

I wonder how long this will go on. How long will I have to live like this. They say I`m bipolar so I guess it`s a life long thing. But I`ve read that some people have normal moods during certain periods of their life.I`m bipolar 2 . I`ve also read that people with bipolar 2 spend more time in depression rather than hypomania. I am living with depression right now at this moment. But sometimes I cycle to irritability. Yes I do have my okay days but I also have my very bad days. I still enjoy things like music and reading (though my concentration sucks and I have difficulty getting through books sometimes). Some days it`s difficult to even enjoy the things I love . Some days the things I love are the only thing that gets me through the day.

I do count my blessings. I`m lucky I have a family that helps me. I don`t know where I would be without them. At first they didn`t totally understand all the things that mental illness includes. But they have learned to understand it more and more. And I am totally grateful for them. My Mother has always been the most supportive and understanding. And I have my dogs that always give me their unconditional love.

Sometimes it`s hard to live inside this brain. Some days anything will bring me to tears and some days I feel I would like to jump out of my skin. Sometimes I wonder if I went off all the meds would it make a difference? To be honest I probably wouldn`t get much sleep without them. I can`t help but feel so alone and lonely in this. I hate when the night comes. When it gets dark it makes my depression feel even worse.When I lay my head on the pillow my mind just races.It goes over and over all the things I`ve done . That is the worse time of the day for me. I wonder if I will ever just enjoy life.


Thanks realitybites.

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