Sick Down to My Heart

I haven`t been well physically and mentally. I`ve just not been feeling well at all. I am exhausted all the time and have trouble sleeping. My depression is really wearing me down and I have no motivation. I am just a useless thing taking up space. All I want is to feel better. When you`re sick they give you meds and those meds make you feel sick so then they give you another med to deal with the side effects.

I have been feeling like I haven`t accomplished much in this life. I know other people have it way worse than I do, and I hate to complain but my life has had it`s difficulties too. Since my twenties I`ve dealt with bipolar disorder (first diagnosed as depression) and eating disorders ,anxiety and OCD. I `ve basically been a f***ing mess since my twenties. I feel cheated and defeated. Oh yeah and for a long time I self harmed and have the scars to show for it. I`ve cut myself with razor blades , broken glass. I mostly used razor blades and burned myself with lighters. Back then I didn`t realize how f***ed up that was. I look at my scars and I really hate them and I think to myself what you did to yourself was really messed up how could have you done that. It was a release for me and since I don`t do it anymore it doesn`t get out of me. But now that I am older I realize that self harm doesn`t solve anything because that feeling of relief doesn`t last that long. It`s been years since I last self harmed.

I haven`t asked much from this life. My only wishes are that I have peace in my heart and head and that someday I will feel really happy.


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