Razor Blades, Broken Glass and Lighters and The Damage Done

The bright red stripes on my arm are slowly fading. The scars are still clearly visible. I still have the marks all around my wrist that I burned into my skin with a cigarette lighter to form sort of a permanent bracelet. It was just something I did for different reasons. One of the reasons was because I needed a release from the torment that were my thoughts. It seemed to bring me some relief at the time. I would often do it at night after everyone had gone to bed because I didn`t want to get caught hurting myself. I knew it wasn`t a healthy way to deal with my feelings but as I am not one to talk about my feelings it seemed necessary at the time. I am much more comfortable writing about this then I would be speaking to someone about.it Now, when I look at my scars, I just really hate them and think they are ugly, and I think how messed up were you that you did that to yourself. I didn`t think I was trying to kill myself but my Mom said something that stuck with me. She told me that when I was hurting myself that I was killing myself a little at a time. Every cut and every burn was something I couldn`t express with my mouth so I carved it on my arm or burned it with a match. I guess that was my clearly f***ed up was of expressing my feelings.

I am still dealing with my illness and taking the meds. Sometimes I get a little itch and think it would help to self-harm again. I haven`t given in to that little voice in my head that says hey that would really help right now. Sometimes it gets hard to fight all the time, but I am still going and I`m going to keep trying.


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