All day I was up and feeling up. I was excited about the show next week. I was laughing out loud and being friendly, for God sake. And when I'm like that I always hope that it's for a long time. But when trying to go to bed tonight, every haunting thing that I could image leaped right at me. I kept thinking, oddly enough, about my poor little Shih Tzu who died in 2003. Oliver. He was so old when he died and so miserable. I couldn't stand the pain he was in, but I couldn't stand the thought of losing him either. Of course, I didn't want him to be in agony. I was told he had a murmur in his heart and most likely wouldn't last but possibly a week. I just can't stand saying goodbye. So, that's haunting me for sure.
Then there's Alex. My sweet, sweet boy, gone way too soon and so unexpectedly. I still can't really talk about him. He was my baby. Not a familiar, but a very deep connection. Familiars aren't meant to be your friends.
Oh, dear god, why right now? I have to be up early for work. But this is what happens to me. Up, down, up, down, up, down. And yes - you're right. But on most days, I can handle it.
Then there's Nigel. I think of Nigel constantly. Sometimes I can laugh about things we talked about. Silly things like, pickles. During our last conversation, I told Nigel about how I've been craving Kosher Dill Pickles. So, he went out after zoom and bought three jars! He died about a day after that, so I hope someone took those pickles home. And, then I think of the really sweet things he'd say to me and just burst out crying. I've never lost a really close friend before; I don't have many. His passing has left me feeling empty and so sad. I have his last email. I read it all the time. I just wish that once I’ve read it everything will be normal again. I’ll be able to email him back and then see him in zoom on Saturday. But no....
'Tis Halloween - perhaps he'll come and visit? This is my favorite Holiday. Always has been. The veil between us and the afterlife is thin.
This feeling I have right now paralyzes me. It's what stops me from taking the next step. I can't describe it. It's frightening and I feel hollow and my heart beats very fast. It’s not exactly like a panic attack or like anxiety. I can't concentrate. I will be communicating with Doctors and Nurses about patients/clients tomorrow. I can't call in sick because there is a strict policy about absences. When I feel this way I don't sleep, either. Even when I take Ambien and two Xanax.
Both of my parents are 79 years old. I swear to God only yesterday they were in their mid-fifties. I just don't know what to do. They both seem to be in great health, but you never know when a stroke can happen, or a heart attack or Cancer can return - GOD FORBID. My Dad has so much on him right now. He’s trying to take care of his own wife who is barely alive herself. I went to see him on Sunday, and we were talking about snakes (living in the country I've seen a few). He said, "did you know my dad was bit by a water moccasin when he was nine years old?" and I replied, no. He began to tell me the story and then he stopped, and tears just fell from his eyes, and he had to excuse himself. I've NEVER seen my dad like that before, and it floored me. My Dad is tough. When he came back in, he said that his father's leg had turned black and the doctor said that if his friends hadn't cut his foot open so the poison could drain out that he would not have survived it. He started to cry again. I said, "Daddy, what's wrong?" and he shook his head and said, "it's the blood pressure medicine - make me emotional". Say what?
Yes, living in the country - I HATE IT HERE - snakes, snakes, snakes. One night we let Ever, my dog, out. She was dancing around a little bit - in a funny way, so I looked around the corner and there was a snake. I grabbed her by the collar and dragged her inside. Told my mother to stay inside while I took a look at the snake. He was large. Grey and black with a white belly. I could see his eyes blinking at me. He was coiled so I figured I'd better stay away. What the hell was I gonna do anyway? Then the next day, we went into the garden where we had a few vegetables growing along with mom’s beautiful plants and my Roses. My mom was looking at the herbs when I saw this black shiny thing resting beneath the cucumbers. I looked closer and there was ANOTHER black snake - most likely a Carolina Black Racer. Those assholes will chase you! So, again I told mom to take Ever inside and let me deal with it. I turned the water hose on him, and he came out from under those cucumbers like a bat out of hell. I've never seen a snake lift nearly his entire body of the ground and "run". Scared the hell out me because all I could think was, he's going to turn and come straight for me.
Please get me out of here.
I'm set to see Morrissey on the 9th. I won't be in the Pit for the first time in nearly 40 years, so that will feel strange. I'm looking forward to it, but I think because everything that's happened this year, I just feel numb. Nigel had asked me to get photos and videos for him. I 'll still try to do for solo. If I can figure out how to upload them...I'm not tech savvy. I wonder if he'll change the set list a little. I'd love for him to play Maladjusted, or is it Southpaw
. One of those was Nigel's favorite Morrissey song. I wonder what he'll wear. What does he smell like these days? He would knock me down to get his hands on my Frankincense and Myrr. It smells so good. That's a fact! I should take a bottle for him. I really do think he’d love it.
I feel a little better getting this out of my system. Maybe I can sleep now. I only have three hours left…
Update should anyone care - I wrote the above during a Benzo Haze. I tried to clean it up a bit
Then there's Alex. My sweet, sweet boy, gone way too soon and so unexpectedly. I still can't really talk about him. He was my baby. Not a familiar, but a very deep connection. Familiars aren't meant to be your friends.
Oh, dear god, why right now? I have to be up early for work. But this is what happens to me. Up, down, up, down, up, down. And yes - you're right. But on most days, I can handle it.
Then there's Nigel. I think of Nigel constantly. Sometimes I can laugh about things we talked about. Silly things like, pickles. During our last conversation, I told Nigel about how I've been craving Kosher Dill Pickles. So, he went out after zoom and bought three jars! He died about a day after that, so I hope someone took those pickles home. And, then I think of the really sweet things he'd say to me and just burst out crying. I've never lost a really close friend before; I don't have many. His passing has left me feeling empty and so sad. I have his last email. I read it all the time. I just wish that once I’ve read it everything will be normal again. I’ll be able to email him back and then see him in zoom on Saturday. But no....
'Tis Halloween - perhaps he'll come and visit? This is my favorite Holiday. Always has been. The veil between us and the afterlife is thin.
This feeling I have right now paralyzes me. It's what stops me from taking the next step. I can't describe it. It's frightening and I feel hollow and my heart beats very fast. It’s not exactly like a panic attack or like anxiety. I can't concentrate. I will be communicating with Doctors and Nurses about patients/clients tomorrow. I can't call in sick because there is a strict policy about absences. When I feel this way I don't sleep, either. Even when I take Ambien and two Xanax.
Both of my parents are 79 years old. I swear to God only yesterday they were in their mid-fifties. I just don't know what to do. They both seem to be in great health, but you never know when a stroke can happen, or a heart attack or Cancer can return - GOD FORBID. My Dad has so much on him right now. He’s trying to take care of his own wife who is barely alive herself. I went to see him on Sunday, and we were talking about snakes (living in the country I've seen a few). He said, "did you know my dad was bit by a water moccasin when he was nine years old?" and I replied, no. He began to tell me the story and then he stopped, and tears just fell from his eyes, and he had to excuse himself. I've NEVER seen my dad like that before, and it floored me. My Dad is tough. When he came back in, he said that his father's leg had turned black and the doctor said that if his friends hadn't cut his foot open so the poison could drain out that he would not have survived it. He started to cry again. I said, "Daddy, what's wrong?" and he shook his head and said, "it's the blood pressure medicine - make me emotional". Say what?
Yes, living in the country - I HATE IT HERE - snakes, snakes, snakes. One night we let Ever, my dog, out. She was dancing around a little bit - in a funny way, so I looked around the corner and there was a snake. I grabbed her by the collar and dragged her inside. Told my mother to stay inside while I took a look at the snake. He was large. Grey and black with a white belly. I could see his eyes blinking at me. He was coiled so I figured I'd better stay away. What the hell was I gonna do anyway? Then the next day, we went into the garden where we had a few vegetables growing along with mom’s beautiful plants and my Roses. My mom was looking at the herbs when I saw this black shiny thing resting beneath the cucumbers. I looked closer and there was ANOTHER black snake - most likely a Carolina Black Racer. Those assholes will chase you! So, again I told mom to take Ever inside and let me deal with it. I turned the water hose on him, and he came out from under those cucumbers like a bat out of hell. I've never seen a snake lift nearly his entire body of the ground and "run". Scared the hell out me because all I could think was, he's going to turn and come straight for me.
Please get me out of here.
I'm set to see Morrissey on the 9th. I won't be in the Pit for the first time in nearly 40 years, so that will feel strange. I'm looking forward to it, but I think because everything that's happened this year, I just feel numb. Nigel had asked me to get photos and videos for him. I 'll still try to do for solo. If I can figure out how to upload them...I'm not tech savvy. I wonder if he'll change the set list a little. I'd love for him to play Maladjusted, or is it Southpaw
. One of those was Nigel's favorite Morrissey song. I wonder what he'll wear. What does he smell like these days? He would knock me down to get his hands on my Frankincense and Myrr. It smells so good. That's a fact! I should take a bottle for him. I really do think he’d love it.I feel a little better getting this out of my system. Maybe I can sleep now. I only have three hours left…
Update should anyone care - I wrote the above during a Benzo Haze. I tried to clean it up a bit
