Maybe This Year

I've been like this for years now. Ill that is. When I was first treated for mental illness I was treated for depression and anxiety. Now my diagnosis is bipolar 2 with panic disorder. I feel my depression more than hypomania. I've read a lot of people with bipolar 2 are also that way. I've also dealt with an eating disorder and self injury. For years I've been dealing with all of this. With bipolar it`s a lifelong thing. Now it`s a new year. I`m always hoping for a fresh start. I`m always hoping things will change one day. I would like things to change but I don`t know where to start.

First I would like to sleep better. I haven`t been able to sleep without meds for years. This is how it goes for me. If I don`t take my meds no sleep if I do take them too much sleep. I won`t lie about this but sometimes I like the sleeping too much part. When I`m not feeling especially well it makes the time when I have to awake and dealing with my depression and anxiety pass faster. I really don`t talk about my mental illness with too many people . I just tend to keep things inside of me most of the time. My psychiatrist wants me to try therapy again but I really don`t want to. I tried it and I felt it quite useless. Maybe it`s because I`m more of a listener than a talker. I really just found therapy completely unpleasant. At least I don`t deal with my feelings like I used to. Self injury used to be my release but I don`t do that anymore even though sometimes I`m really tempted to especially when I`m feeling really unwell.

I would like some good changes this year. I would like to be more self reliant. I`m scared to but I`d really like to learn to drive so I wouldn`t have to depend on anybody and so I could help out more. My anxiety seems to make that goal impossible for me most of the time though. I do still have things in life I`d like to accomplish but sometimes I think it`s too late and that the time for those things have passed. Maybe things will change this year and maybe they won`t . My only mistake is I`m hoping......


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