Life Is Crazy

This week has been difficult. I could barely drag myself out of bed yesterday. I just didn`t have the will to get up and face another day. In fact getting by day by day is really difficult for me. Just simple everyday things feel like a monumental tasks for me. I`m always so tired and have no energy. Even though I`m always so tired it takes pills to make me sleep. No meds means no sleep for me. This has gone on for years now. I can`t see an end to this. It feels like this illness has been with me forever. I can`t remember what I was like before this took over me.

I miss the release I used to get with my former coping method. I guess that`s why I keep my old tools around. They are there in case I might need them again. I guess it`s my safety net. I stopped hurting myself a few years ago. I mostly stopped because I thought I might end up in the mental hospital if I kept doing it. I also stopped because I hated all of my ugly scars and I didn`t want any more of those. It was also a chore to keep my wounds hidden and to lie about why I was wearing long sleeves in the middle of summer. I`m mostly glad I stopped self harming but like I said before I miss the release.

I try to cope with my illness by listening to a lot of music. That seems to help me a bit. I also like to be creative and make things. Sometimes that helps. Sometimes nothing helps. When nothing seems to help I take my meds and try to sleep it away and hope things will be better when I wake up. My family keeps me going too. My mom is always supportive as are my great sisters. My nieces and nephews are also fun. My 12 year old niece has great taste in music and she says`s it`s mostly because of me so that makes me proud :):). I do have things that I am very grateful for. I know some people have it worse than me. I guess this illness just steals the joy from my heart and I can`t help but wish that things were different and I wasn`t ill. I wonder if my life would be different.


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